About Me

I am a 33 year old mum of two who has spent her entire teenage and adult life struggling with her weight. I am not going to struggle with it anymore. I am in charge!

Saturday, 22 October 2011

This would be so much easier if.....

I was never bored, hungry, tired, sad, happy, celebrating, commiserating .............

The list is endless.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Weigh in

Well I haven't done this for a while!

Weight - 11st 4lbs- This is 1lb up on the last time I weighed in here BUT I am happy with it because it's 2lbs less than Monday!!!
Body fat - 35% - 1% up since last time I weighed in here/5% total loss.
1/2in gain from chest since last time. (I really don't need to keep saying that do I? You get the idea) .
1/2in gain on waist.
1/2in gain on hips.
11 1/2in total loss.
I am kicking myself that I have spent the last 6 weeks stalling and the last 13 weeks making no progress at all but I know that I didn't really feel it in that time. I am going to focus on the fact that in that time I easily have re-gained everything I had lost (and more). In the past that is what has happened. So I am going to convince myself that this is a positive thing. I have managed to sustain my weight loss for 3 months. Now it's time for the next attack.
I have 5 weeks till my birthday. I AM going to be reach the new low weight I talked about by then. The lowest weight I have been at in the last 12 years is 11st 2lbs (156lbs). That means my very lowest aim is 3lbs in the next 5 weeks. That is a very low pressure goal.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Two posts in two days. That hasn't happened for a while!

Yesterday was a good day. I stuck to my food plan and did manage to go out for a run in the evening. My short, fast run consisted of 1.01 miles and took me 9m 56s. To say I am chuffed to bits at being able to run a mile in under 10 minutes is something of an understatement.

I think it is going to take me a fair bit of effort and determination to get back on my journey but for now my main focus is trying to make sure I get back to eating properly rather than grazing all day long. Grazing all day would probably be fine if I were eating sensible things but when it is mostly cakes and chocolate that I am grazing on that's not so good!

Today has been a good day too. Mostly. I did eat an un-necessary and un-planned chocolate bar at lunchtime but it was a 15g bar of good quality, dark chocolate so I will go easy on myself there.

One thing that I have noticed since I started this journey is how much of a good impact it has had on my children. They have always been healthy and active but are now even stronger, healthier and fitter than ever before. For that I give myself an A+.

Monday, 17 October 2011

Sneaking back in

I have tried several times in the last month or so to get back in the swing of things but it hasn't been happening. I am considering myself VERY lucky that I haven't gained more than I have. I have gained 3 pounds since my last weigh in post. That has taken my current weight back up to 11st 6lbs (160lbs). This morning I have woken up feeling ready to get back on the road. I'm not sure why the change but I do know that every part of me is screaming that I am so not ready to settle here.

As for what has been happening for the last month (probably closer to two in actual fact) I haven't strayed too far from what I am aiming to achieve. I have managed to keep up the running (bar a rest for over training and a cold). My running time has slowed down a little but I can run for longer. Food wise I have not been eating the best way but I have (mostly) stuck to meal times.

I have planned my meals for today and evening meals for the rest of the month. I am going to work on a day by day basis for the meals during the day, partly because we are trying to make sure that we don't spend quite so much on food and eat what we have in unless we REALLY need to shop. If I can combine that with losing weight then I will be a happy bunny.

One thing the last couple of months has shown me is that I can do a reasonable job of sustaining a weight.

Another thing I am going to start doing again is blogging most (if not every) day. So I apologise for the random drivel that will be finding it's way into your blog feed.

First of all I am aiming at getting back to losing weight. Next goal after that is to get to a new low by my birthday. That gives me about a month to lose at least 4lbs. I'd love to get down to 10st something but I am not going to approach this with any pressure.

Have a marvellous day everyone.

Thursday, 29 September 2011

I haven't disappeared in a puff of smoke

Lately I haven't had time to spare to sit down and update this blog. I haven't gone too far off track. I am still 20lbs down, I am still running, I am still here. When life calms down I will be back more often.


Thursday, 8 September 2011

So my legs need time to recover

I liked finding that I could run 5k non stop in August. I liked it so much I have done it several times since. Not every day but because I have done other things on most of those in between days I haven't really given my legs a chance to recover. Last night they decided that if I was going to ignore them then they were going to shout louder.

I took part in a local 5k race. It's a regular thing and husband talked me into it. It is very hilly and as a result I found I couldn't run the whole thing. I tried, oh boy did I try, to keep making them start running again but just over 4k in I had to walk for a bit. I kept starting running again but it didn't last and that last 1k was walk/run the whole time. I did make myself run up the last hill though.

This morning my legs ache. I knew they would. My last three runs have been tough going. I have had to force my legs to carry on. Husband (he who never rests) has told me he would suggest I take a week off running. I can do other things; gently cycling, swimming and core/upper body workouts but rest the legs is the general message.

My first thought was genuinely "No running for a week! That's a long, scary time". But I know from the way my legs feel that if I don't do this I will regret it. Then I actually chuckled at the thought of me being bothered about not being able to run for a week.

Watch this space because I expect my next run in a week to be damn good. Then I am going to start building my way up to 10k ready for May.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3lbs- No loss since last week making 19 1/2lbs loss total.
Body fat - 34% - 1% loss since last week/6% total loss
1/4in loss from chest
no loss on waist
1/2in loss on hips
13in total loss
So I didn't lose any weight this week and I was a very bad blogger. Time kind of melted away and something I was vaguely involved in kicked off and I became more involved equalling lots more time needed than I had. I did lose inches and fat though. That I am pleased about.
I haven't really given a lot of thought about my plans for the next week but I would like to shift the scales further down. I am going to set some time aside to dedicate purely to giving some thought to how I am going to achieve that.
I am running a 5k race FOR FUN tonight. I will be doing it with my husband while we abandon the children to the fate of the grandparents. A year ago the suggestion that I would do that would have had me rolling on the floor clutching my sides.
One thing I have continued to find time for is running. At the weekend I went out by myself and ran my furthest/longest run so far. It was only a little more than previous times but I was really pleased with myself because the whole time my legs were very heavy and I had to push to keep going. The idea of doing that made me feel very proud of myself.
This is a strange bitty post. I apologise for that but it kind of reflects how my thoughts are in my head right now. I have a lot going on and no real sense of order to it.

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3lbs- A loss of 1/2lb since last week making 19 1/2lbs loss total.
Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss
No change on chest/waist/hips
  I think I shall consider that a success given the hunger episode and the fact that TOM no longer seems to give me the losses I used to get with it. I don't know if it is eating properly or the exercise but what used to happen when TOM was here was that I could expect to drop a couple of pounds. Now that doesn't seem to happen anymore.
  I have allowed myself to be talked into doing a 5k cross country next week. I have now run just over 5k a few times since the race. I have beaten the hill that was causing me trouble at the end of my run route and yesterday I ran to and from Bookworm's lesson while she and Hyperboy cycled. I was pleased to find that if anything I could have done more, were it not for the fact that it would have meant leaving the children behind!
  I haven't quite managed to get completely back on track with eating right but I am making sure that what I am eating is far more balanced and within targets on myfitnesspal.

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

A weird change

Last time (not last month, TOM doesn't call that regularly) I had a weird experience at the beginning of it. On one of those days I went through a period of a few hours where I experienced extreme hunger that just would not be satisfied. The only other time that has ever happened to me was during my two pregnancies. I put it down as a one off and ate every half an hour or so until it was satisfied.

Well now TOM is here again and the exact same thing happened last night. All of a sudden I felt hungry. We are talking ravenous, belly aching, could gnaw my own arm off hunger. I had already eaten a decent days food. There was no reason why I should be hungry. So I drank a glass of water (I already drink plenty but just in case thought it was worth a try). 20 minutes later there was no change in the hunger and I was starting to feel sick and faint. So I started looking at what I could eat that would a) satisfy my hunger and b) not sabotage my week. I should have concentrated on 'a' because by the time I had eventually satisfied the hunger I had eaten almost another meals worth of food. I was eating then waiting to give it chance to register. My body wanted/needed food. I probably would have been better off if I had just had a 'meal' in the first place but I was hoping there would be a chance of easing it with a little snack.

Has anyone else experienced this? It was really strange and if it's going to be happening every time TOM pays me a visit then I would like to be able to plan for it but that is not easy because of the lack of regularity.

Friday, 26 August 2011

I ran it off

I decided to give something new a go to deal with the frustration last night. When husband got home I went out for an unplanned run. I had no idea if it would actually work but I felt like I needed to do something. I wasn't sure how it would go because I already did level 2 of 30 day shred (I still don't like that level but I can do it with something approaching ease now). After the first 1k of my normal route I decided to come back a different way and that way is all up hill. I ran the first 1.5k at just under 10min/mile pace. I was rather pleased with that as it didn't feel hard to do it. It was only a very short run of just under 2k but it was enough.When I got back I was in a much better mood. Running had helped.

I don't know if it was the exercise itself, the fact that I was concentrating on the running or that I was really pleased with how much of the up hill bit I managed to run. Do you know what though? I don't care. I am now the sort of person who runs, not just for exercise, but also for relaxation and fun. I have mocked my husband (mostly through lack of understanding, partly through that being the kind of relationship we have) for years about his love of exercise. Now I think I am beginning to understand and feel a little bit bad about the mocking.

This morning I have muscle aches in my butt and upper legs. I am recognising that feeling now as my body getting stronger. I used to hate that feeling. When I hated it before it was way back when I would work out maybe once a week for maybe 3 weeks. Now I have worked out no less than 4 times a week for 4 months. Most days I don't get that ache anymore and when I do it passes quickly.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Throwing frustration in the bin instead of stuffing it down my mouth!

OK, I said earlier I was going to make myself be more aware of why I was eating. The challenge arose rather more quickly then I anticipated. This afternoon something has happened that caused me intense frustration. It coincided with a tray of cookies that Hyperboy made cooling on the side. BIG, BAD COMBINATION.

I convinced myself that the first cookie was OK because "I was being a good Mummy and checking out how he had done".
Second one "This isn't good but they are yummy".
Third one "What am I doing? Surely one would have been plenty".
Fourth one "Oh yeah, I am meant to be thinking about this and working out why. OK, I am in a bad mood, I am annoyed and there is nothing I can do about it. So I have eaten these instead.".

At that point I still had half a cookie left in my hand. I stood there staring at the cookie. Then I threw it in the bin. My frustration hasn't eased any, I am still really angry but I have only made it 3 1/2 cookies worse rather than an entire tray full.

I can still salvage today by replacing part of my tea with salad and still making sure I get a decent healthy meal. I have work to do on this. A lot of work. But I will get there.

Back on the road - day 3

So yesterday didn't go too well. It started off OK, I was OK with my weigh in. I had planned my food. I had planned my exercise. My stumbling block came after lunch. I had 3 squares of chocolate. Not a big deal. A sensible amount. The rest went back in the tin. But THEN, I am not sure why, I blocked out any thinking about it, I decided to have a bowl of ice cream and sauce. If I'd left it at the chocolate it would have been fine. But oh no, ice cream and sauce to top it off.

But wait, it gets even better. We met some friends for a picnic (picnic part for the children). I packed food just for the children. But whilst packing I pinched a couple of the mini sausage rolls I'd cooked. Not bad on their own, lean sausage meat all made with good stuff. But on top of the chocolate and ice cream. D'OH!

On the way home from the picnic I was quite psyched up about going for a run. Then I started to feel rough. It came out of nowhere. I waited to see if it would pass but it didn't. I felt bad and very tired. I decided to make yesterday a rest day. At no point did it occur to me that maybe I was feeling rough because of the extra sugar and fat swimming around my body. That light bulb moment waiting for this morning. Which is why after tea, when husband decided he fancied some ice cream and sauce I joined him and had a second bowl. I neglected to mention that I had already had some earlier in the day.

So I didn't do a great job all round yesterday. I did track it all, and looking at the figures it could have been a lot worse. The thing that bothers me most about yesterday's eating is that I didn't allow myself to be aware of the thought process in doing it. I deliberately blocked it out. I need to make sure I am listening to what is going on in my head because not doing that is a very slippery slope for me into re-gaining all the weight I have lost and a lot of binge eating. I have been there before and I know damn well that I am not going back. I am not going to let it happen.

Today is a new day and I am not going to make the same mistake today. Today will be better, it will be on track and I will stick to my plans. Half way through the day all ready and so far so good.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3 1/2lbs- A gain of 1/2lb since last week making 19lbs loss total*.
Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss
No change on chest/waist/hips
*Any other week that kind of weigh in would probably have had me feeling down and trying to figure out how I was going to remedy it. Not this week though. I tell you why.
On Monday morning I was 2lbs heavier than I am today after a week of eating whatever I could get hold of. My head was in 'I'm on holiday' mode. I said in my post on Monday that the only reason I didn't gain more than 2 1/2lbs is that I was still exercising. I have been thinking more about last week and I know that had it not been for the running, mountain biking, walking and exercise DVDs I could have been looking at a much bigger gain. I guess I was half way there to a new 'I'm on holiday' way of thinking.
I put a halt on the eating junk after Sunday night and have done my planned workouts with gusto. Seriously, yesterday doing BFBM I was dripping sweat onto my mat while I was doing to plank positions. Gross but true. I have eaten really well and have been drinking plenty of water to flush out as much rubbish as I can. So yes I am up 1/2lb on last week but I will take that. I will take it and I will carry on what I have done for the last two days and I will be aiming to reach a new low next week.
I am finding I have strength I could never have imagined before. When I work out I am so much stronger and am capable of pushing my body harder and for longer than I have ever done. Yesterday my legs were so tired that I really didn't feel like working out. But I did it (eventually!). I did the whole BFBM workout, which totals about 50 minutes and I pushed myself. At no point ever in the history of me have I exercised for as long as I am capable of doing so now.
I am on fire at the moment. It is my time.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Back on the road - day 1

Writing the blog post yesterday was really helpful for me. Sorry it was so long! I think one of the most helpful parts was posting the pictures. OK so you can't see my face but I could see the difference between those two pictures. I liked seeing the difference. That was on my mind all day and having got that far I am fired up to carry on now.

I did level 1 of 30 day shred yesterday morning and I still can't get over just how much easier it feels now compared to when I first started. I am no longer a huffing, puffing, sweaty, aching mess when I finish. 2 minutes tops and I feel almost back to normal. I am not sure today's recovery will be quite so quick. I am going to do the banish fat, boost metabolism workout which is twice as long.

Planning my meals and snacks was a big help, I knew it would be. Doing that meant I didn't have to think about what to eat and knew that the right choices were there. I logged everything (a much easier task when you know you are eating right!). For this week I have decided to do a sort of South beach, phase 1/2 mixture. I need it to get myself out of the sugar bowl I seem to have been swimming in lately. After that I will do what I was doing before, plain and simple eating a little bit of everything and not too much of anything. It was working so well for me until I stopped planning and tracking.

Husband pointed out another change in my body last night. Apparently my shoulders have lost weight. He says the sweetest things.

For such a long time now I feel like I have been cruising. Last week was a fork in the road and it could so easily have been the start of heading off down the same route I have taken so many times before. I have seen that path before though, it's boring now. I am ready for something new. Bring on today. :oD

Monday, 22 August 2011


I think this blog post needs to start with a hello because I kind of feel like I have turned a corner when it comes to 'getting there this time'. I have spent weeks now talking about how I am not really feeling it and can't quite get my head into the right place. Well today is a new day and it feels different. How much of that is down to having some much needed time for myself last week I don't know but I would guess a LOT.

Bookworm and Hyperboy spent a whole week with my parents. Husband and I got some evenings and 1 1/2 days to ourselves (he had to work the rest of the time). When he went off to collect them, spending a couple of days with my family (I am glad they get on so well), I spent an evening and morning with my friend who has been abroad for a couple of years. After that I got a whole afternoon, night and morning All To Myself. Do you know how often that happens when you home educate? Hardly ever. Yes I missed my children and husband but man it felt so good  to just be by myself.

So what did I do with my time? Well, yes I ate chocolate, and way too much of it. I am going to be completely honest here and say that the reason I hardly blogged last week was because I knew that was what I was going to do. If I blogged I would have to be honest that I knew it was going to happen. Go figure! Hang on though, before you stop following me. Guess what I did on my Sunday morning. clue - In the past having that time to myself has always, without exception, meant watching rubbish, wasting time on the Internet, stuffing myself silly and generally being a lazy glutton.

I went for a run.

That's right, I CHOSE AND WANTED to go for a run. I was so glad I did. I set out on my 5.12k route. The one that I had never completed because the first half of the last km is uphill. Yesterday I ran the whole thing. Every last metre. I was so hyped up when I got home that I felt like I could do more. I didn't because I had the calling of a quiet house. I stopped on a high and had a very long bubble bath. With no one coming in to use the loo or arguing or wanting to know how long till lunch. Bliss.

The damage I did last week with copious amounts of chocolate, cake, ice-cream (spot the recurring sugar theme here) and anything else I fancied was limited a bit (thank goodness) by the fact that husband and I took the chance to spend some of the child free time running and mountain biking. Yes I lost my mountain biking virginity. 1 1/2 hours of non stop cycling. Dirt tracks, mud, woodland, tree roots and branches will all make cycling on the road seem a breeze from now on. It was scary, muddy, fun and a damn good workout. It poured with rain for a lot of the time too so were were soaked as well as muddy.

I am informed this is known as 'mountain bikers ankle'.
 The runs were tough. We did hills in the woods one day. OH MY GOODNESS! Man that was hard. The last hill was very steep. I didn't think I could run all the way up. When I reached the point where my legs refused to move I decided I wasn't going to walk the rest. I stopped for 20 seconds and then ran the rest. Despite all the exercise I still managed to gain 2 1/2lbs in the last 1 1/2weeks. I am not considering that official though. My weigh in day is Wednesday and I hope to have lost some of that by then with careful eating and letting my body release some of the junk!

I have gone off on a tangent here. I sat down with the intention of blogging about how I have planned this week and how I feel a renewed enthusiasm for getting where I want to be! My last blog post was all about how I was going to handle the reasons I had been struggling. I have done what I said and planned every meal and snack for the next week. I am also going to track in myfitnesspal all food and exercise. I haven't taken direct comparison photos. In the end I didn't need to. Husband took a picture of me on a day out in London and I took one look at it and could see where every pound and inch had gone from.

You will have to trust me when I say that the size isn't the only difference between the two pictures. In the first one I look so unhappy. In the second one I am grinning like a Cheshire cat.
In the first one - 12st 11.5lbs (179.5lbs), chest, 45in, waist 41in, and  hips 46in. (3 1/2lbs heavier than when I started this blog.) 
In the new one-  11st 3lbs (157lbs), chest 41.75in, waist 34.75in and hips 40.5in.
Picture and numbers to remind me how far I have come! Thanks to Chris for making me give serious thought to adding photos. That woman is AWESOME!

As for today. Well the first thing I did was exercise. I no longer feel like I need to build up to it. I can get up and kick butt without needing to psych myself up. I am so proud of myself for not letting the last few weeks lead to a big gain in weight or a big decrease in activity. I have maintained for a few weeks now but the fire in my belly is burning strong again. This is far longer than I intended so I will force myself to stop rambling.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

After my post yesterday I decided that having given some head space to what is going on with why I am stalling it would make sense to go through the reasons I highlighted and start making a plan for changing and getting back on. So here goes.

I have become complacent.
This has two parts to it really. The food part is that I have stopped planning stopped tracking everything. The exercise part is that while I have still been doing it I know it means I can eat a little more and not gain (much). I am not ready to stick where I am. If I stay the way I am with food and exercise that is exactly what will happen. Resolving the food part is so simple all I have to do is sit down for an hour once a week and plan a weeks meals. That and logging everything I eat again. The exercise part isn't a big deal but I know that if I stick with what I am doing I will not only continue to get stronger and fitter but getting the food bit back in check will mean that I will get back on that journey to losing weight as well.

I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!
Well I sure as heck don't want to go back to sitting in the corner and occasionally being noticed because I am turning into a blob. I know that doesn't sound nice but please know that this is not how I see other people. It is purely how I saw myself 6 months ago. If I think back to then my mind is not a happy one. So as for this bit I will just have to suck it up and trust that when the time is right life will bring smaller clothes, or the funds to buy them, my way.

My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago.
Part of me wishes I had kept just one of my big outfits. If I had I could try it on and see just how much difference there is. But I didn't so tough luck. I do have some photos that I took last time round which are about where I was when I started this time. If I dig those out, take some new ones and stick them somewhere (probably inside my wardrobe) that I will see them often as a reminder of how much I have changed.

I am scared of everything changing back to how it was.
This is where I just need to grow a pair really. The only way that is going to happen is if I let the current state carry on and change back to doing nothing and eating the way I used to. I think the first solution of planning and tracking should take care of that.

I am worried about what to do when I get there.
Well this one is kind of pointless to worry about at the moment. I am not there so I don't know what approach I need to take once I am. I won't know what it is like if I never get there. So my plan is
1) get there first
2)decide if I like it
3) if the answer is yes then work out how to stay there, if the answer is no then I can always eat a bucket load of food, stop moving my massively smaller butt and head right back up there to 12/13 stone +.

So this is where I go from here;
Sit down for an hour once a week and plan a weeks meals and log everything I eat. One other thing with food that I know is that I have let too much chocolate back into my day. That first week needs to be very low on sugar to get my body used to eating it little and very occasionally.
Trust that when the time is right life will bring smaller clothes or the funds to buy them my way.
Dig out some old photos, take some new ones and stick them inside my wardrobe

I am not going to post a weigh in this week. I know that I have gained half a pound since last week, I know that is because while the children are away the parents are eating out more while we get the chance, if I post it here I will head into beat myself up mode. They come home on Sunday so while it smacks of 'the diet starts Monday' I am going to plan a weeks meals from the point they come back. I will weigh in as normal next Wednesday and take what is thrown at me after this weeks relaxed eating.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

The Make-up Fairy made me do it.

 Okay she didn't really but in response to my last post The Make-up Fairy said she thought it was really important to think about the reasons why my heart hasn't been in it recently. So here I am, sitting at the back of the class writing my essay.

 You know when you were in school and had homework to write an essay about something you hadn't really paid attention to. Well that's how I am feeling right now. I don't really know where to start because I think the main reason I haven't been doing so well is because I have got lazy. When this was going really well and I was making good progress I was planning my food every week, tracking my actual food every day, planning my exercise every week, tracking my exercise every day, thinking carefully about if I actually wanted/needed to eat x,y,z and thinking about why I was trying to lose weight. I have become complacent.

Oooh, hang on, something just went ping in my head. One reason why that has happened is because I have reached a point with my weight where I am at a lower point than I have been at any point over the last 12 years. That means I am at the same weight I was at when I was 21. I also know that I am a lot fitter than I was back then. When I think about where I have got to now my over-riding thought it one of "Well heck, I have done so well. I deserve a bit of a break from this".

I have also reached the point where my two sacks of too small clothes have shrunk to two pairs of trousers and a shirt. The stuff that fits me now is pretty much it when it comes to clothes I own fitting well. Some of it is already starting to feel too big. That scares me. I know it sounds ridiculous but once those things are too big I have to make do for a while. We can't afford for me to be buying more clothes right now. So if I get smaller then I have to be smaller in baggy clothes. Now that shouldn't bother me but at the moment things fit nicely, I don't look too bad and it's not like I am the type of person that is too bothered about how I look. At least that's what I thought. Over the last few weeks I have begun to quite like what I see in the mirror. I have realised that for pretty much the past 10 years I have worn clothes that I consider don't make me noticeable. I hate standing out at the best of times. Standing out when I was very overweight really didn't appeal. It wasn't a conscious thing I just had a wardrobe full of generic jeans and tops. Feeling happier with me has meant that my wardrobe has a little more colour. I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!

In some ways I don't feel like anything has changed. My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago. If I need to convert my weight from stones and pounds to pounds then I always find myself first of all multiplying 12 by 14. Then I have to start again because I am not 12 stone anything. I am 11 stone something. That seems pretty stupid to me because I am actually only a few pounds away from being 10 stone something and I can't even get my head round 11 something. If my head is still stuck in the 12's then no wonder I am struggling to get stuck into the eating ways of my new life.

Here is a big one. I am scared. I am scared that something is going to come along and change it all back. What if I get injured and can't exercise, what if I wake up one morning and have suddenly gained back all 20lbs, what if I can't do it. I will have seen and felt what it is like to weigh a lot less than I used to and know the pain and misery of not succeeding. That scares the crap out of me. I think part of my head thinks it would be safer to just go back to that safe little cocoon I had and just be the quiet, fat girl sitting quietly in the corner.

I am worried about what to do when I get there. So when I get to that healthy weight where I am also happy with the way I look. What do I do? Will it be a constant battle to stick at it? Will I end up only being able to maintain it if I eat next to nothing? I don't like the idea of that. Not one little bit. To me that screams not healthy.

The exercise is the one thing that has stuck with me. I don't find it a struggle (mentally) to do it. I actually enjoy it.

So there we go. That is some of the stuff that has spewed from my head because The Make-up Fairy made me do it. Now I will admit that I would never in an entire lifetime come across her blog if it wasn't for the fact that she is working on losing weight as well. Make up for me is something that I wear once in a blue moon. She would be horrified that I still have make up kicking around some where from when I got married. That will be 10 years next year. That woman does things with make up that I can't even begin to imagine knowing how to do. In that respect we couldn't be more different. But that woman talks sense. She told me it was important to give thought to the whys. She was damn right. Looking at those things I have highlighted I feel like I can start working out how to deal with them. If you are less make-up challenged than me go and check out her blog. She is giving away some goodies right now so as well as coming away from her blog with useful advice you might well end up with some make up too.

Friday, 12 August 2011

Losing the will rather than the weight.

I am not doing a great job right now of sticking to my aims and goals. I have stopped tracking food, stopped blogging all my thoughts and stopped planning meals. The result of this is that my weight is sticking. There is just enough thought going on in there to stop it from going back up. I don't want that. The only thing still going on properly is the exercise. I think that is my saving grace.

The worst thing at the moment is that I don't really feel the inclination to get back on top of it. I know that deep down I want to I just can't quite make that final push.  I keep coming up with reasons why it might be that my heart isn't in it at the moment. I am not going to go into them right now. They don't deserve the head space.

This whole blog is supposed to be about getting there this time. I am not THERE yet. That I do know. But I have become complacent. I've left the land of obese and am down to overweight, I have got into regular exercise, I have lost 20lbs, I have shrunk out of so many clothes and most of the time (dressed) I don't look in the mirror and look terrible. I have achieved so much and I am happy about that BUT I am not going to settle for half way there or nearly there.

I feel like I need to have some space for me to sort my head out and come up with a plan. Luckily I get that chance next week. Bookworm and Hyperboy will be with their Grand-parents for a week so I will have some child free time.

Before I get that chance if there is anyone reading this who can relate and has any wise words for me let me know.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3lbs- A gain of 1/2lb since last week making 19 1/2lbs loss total.
Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss
No change on chest/hips
1/4in lost from my waist.
I am stalled at the moment. I know I could be doing more to change the way I eat and have tried to be a little more aware of it. For the week before my 5k on Sunday I chose to not cut back at all. I set myfitnesspal at maintain. I didn't want to get to the race and be low on energy. I had 4 days before the race and 1 day after without exercising so my legs would be fresh for the run and could recover. Now that is out of the way I am going to change myfitnesspal back and get back on it. I want to see the back of the 11's.
This weekend I will be seeing a whole load of people I haven't seen for between 1 and 12 years. It will be very strange. Those I have seen more recently will have last seen me at nearly 13 stones the ones I haven't seen for longer won't see anything different because I last saw them at the size I am now. Bizarre!

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

I just want to say

That I am absolutely disgusted at the behaviour of the mindless, selfish, stupid idiots who seem determined to ruin the lives and livelihoods of people. There is no excuse for the appalling behaviour that has taken place over the last few nights. And if you are reading this and have been taking part in it then be truly ashamed of yourselves. You should probably also know that you have been scaring small children. My son has been asking today if we live in any of the places you seem intent on trashing. Congratulations. You are capable of scaring a small child. Does it make you feel big?

Monday, 8 August 2011

My first ever 5k race.

I was in a vile mood from Friday afternoon until we got to the park for the 5k. My poor husband bore the brunt of it and I am ashamed to say I snapped at lots of stupid little things that I would normally not even notice. I was extremely nervous and just wanted the whole thing over and done with.

Saturday morning came and I managed a home made cinnamon and raisin bagel (see how little my husband deserves snapping at. He makes me home made bagels!) and that was it other than plenty of water. I was able to do little more than get myself ready which meant that getting Bookworm and Hyperboy ready for the day was down to my husband. They were going to do the 1 mile fun run. Bookworm, as her name suggests loves reading and doesn't run if she can help it. Hyperboy is the complete opposite and will run as often as he can. Much excitement was coming from them at the prospect of their 'first ever race'.

We were walking to the race because it's only a mile from home. When we got their I headed straight for the loos (to be repeated several times before the 5k started!). After getting registered, and meeting up with my mother in law, the children did the warm up with a chap from the local gym and it was time for them to get started. We had already chatted with Bookworm (8) about how if Hyperboy (4) decided to run ahead then Daddy would have to go with him. She is old enough and sensible enough to follow the marshall's instructions and ask them for help if she needs it. Once they started I noticed the queue for the toilets was building up so I went to wait there. While I was waiting the first fun runner was on their way back round then to my genuine shock I spotted husband and Hyperboy on their way. My 4 year old son was going to have finished the mile in less than 10 minutes. He was also in the first 10 back and in front of a lot of older children. I guess the nickname is appropriate. He ran the last bit to the finish line on his own while husband waited for Bookworm. Once they were both finished (and I had finally made it to the loo!). I went over to find them after the finish. It turned out that Bookworm had run the whole thing and Hyperboy had only walked for 20 seconds. I was brimming with pride that my Bookworm daughter had run the full thing and Hyperboy had done so well on his 4 year old legs.

Then it was my turn. I was still very nervous and opted to join in the organised warm up to distract me. Then to the start line. I had borrowed husband's stopwatch so I could time myself and get an idea of how I was doing. I started it as I crossed the start line and didn't look at it again until the 1k marker. 21s, um either a new world record or I had knocked the button. Knowing it was the latter I started it again. I had seen my little support team about 200 metres in.
About 1 1/2k I started to feel it was getting easier. Then I saw husband which boosted me. At 2k I checked the watch again and knew I was doing slightly quicker than I had planned. I slowed down a little, I wanted to get to the finish running. The route was two loops so it was past the finish line then carry on. Not long after that I heard the PA system announcing the first finisher in 16m something!!!!
There was no 3k marker (or I didn't notice it) so the next marker was a long time coming. By the time I got to 4k I was starting to struggle. I was really having to push to keep running. Not long after that husband appeared and cheered me on and asked how it was going. I managed to say bad and gestured for him to run along side me. I needed a boost and that helped distract me just enough for a hundred metres or so and get my focus back. When I came round the last corner and headed for the finish line a marshall said "You are doing well ladies" then "go on, push hard and you can catch her". As there was no one in front of me I knew she was talking to the woman behind me. Competitiveness kicked in and I thought "No she bl***y well can't" so I pushed it to stay ahead. It worked and I crossed the line ahead of her. After getting home and checking out the photos husband took it turned out there was actually a group of 7 people behind me. There was also a great shot that my mother in law got that showed the woman right behind me pushing really hard but with me in front grinning because I had just finished. So I got my medal and my children rushed over and hugged me. Husband came and asked if I knew what time I'd done. I told him about the watch problems and he said he knew because he'd stood next to the timing man at the end.

I had finished my first 5k in 31m 50s.

I was amazed. Not only had I run 5k for the first time ever, I had run for longer than I ever have. Thinking back to when I first set myself a time target I had beat that first target (it got lower as I got better at running in the build up) I had beat my initial target by 13m 10s.

I was buzzing for the rest of the day. We had a quick lunch when we got home then a delicious roast dinner later. Followed by a well deserved piece of chocolate cake in the evening. Today my legs are tired but not aching as such. I plan to give them a day off then I am aiming to get back into 30DS most days and running a couple of days a week. Now I have to start building up towards 10k for next May. It's also back on the journey to meeting my goal. I did the 5k at 20lbs down from my starting weight. I plan to lose at least that again before the 10k.

Friday, 5 August 2011

48 hours from now

I will have, one way or another, come to the end of my first 5k. I am a little nervous. I am only at the stage of "I think I can run that far". I guess all will be clear by the end of the weekend. I really want to run the whole 5k.

Whatever happens I am proud of myself for having made a start on running and been brave enough to sign up to a 5k when I was still only running for a couple of minutes. I am saying this now because if it doesn't go as well as I hope I will need to remember that.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 2 1/2lbs- A loss of 1lb since last week making 20lbs loss total.
Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss
No change on chest/waist
1/2in lost from my hips making 4 1/4in total loss
I should be feeling very cheerful and excited this morning. My weigh in today takes me to 20lbs lost. That makes me the same as I was when I was 21. For some reason though, that I have yet to put my finger on I just feel flat. The calendar tells me I might possibly have TOM soon. At least I would if my body knew how to do anything to a routine, as it is that could be this week, it could be next week, it could be a fortnight from now.
Anyway, good things. I am continuing to lose weight and inches. I have continued to run. I have had a slightly tight hamstring but nothing that a good massage won't cure (hopefully). I am counting down the days to my first 5k race (notice I said first 5k race, I am already thinking about doing some more before the 10k I have booked next May). I still haven't quite managed to run 5k in my training runs but I am now up to 28 minutes of running and have covered 4.48km before needing to walk. I will be going out for my last training run tonight. Obviously that has been a cue for some of the hottest weather we've had for a few weeks and so far the forecast for the day of the race is thunderstorms!!!!!!
I have noticed a sudden increase in my activity levels over the last week. Our garden needs some serious attention. It has been getting it from me (with a little help from my husband at the weekend). Things have been tidied, moved, thrown out, retrieved from the undergrowth AND most spectacularly of all we have finally put up the climbing frame we bought the children 2 years ago. Having the energy to do things like that is very nice. It is also very rewarding to see the result of it. Our garden has been very neglected over the last couple of years due to a triathloning (!) husband and a lazy, dis-inclined me.
I am noticing my clothes getting looser again. Some of the ones that are getting looser are UK14's. This is heading into strange territory for me now. I am starting to look at myself in the mirror and quite liking what I see. Yes a lot of areas are still nowhere near how I would like them but dressed I have felt that I am no longer looking just plain old fat. I have a few pairs of jeans that I really need to get rid of. They are ones that are still in really good condition because I bought them between starting this journey and now. I am hoping to sell them on eBay. Even a little bit of money for them will help towards getting me something else that fits nicely. I have noticed that the days I am most complacent about what/how I eat are the days when the clothes I am wearing are the loosest. I would like to be able to just give them away to someone who is a little bit further back on the path than I am but I also know that I need to replace them and that takes money.
I plan to spend some time catching up on blanket squares this week. After I run tonight I plan to give my legs a rest from exercise for a few days ready for the 5k. I will probably be back here before the 5k but if not I will definitely be back to post about how it goes.
Happy Wednesday everybody.

Friday, 29 July 2011

Finding a new target.

I am hovering at the moment. My weight is hovering up and down between 11st 3 1/2lbs and 11st 5lbs, body fat between 34% and 36%, food to stick at just about those figures and exercise is hanging in there at about 4/5 times a week. That has been fine for a while. I have been ok with just sticking at those numbers.

In 9 days I will be doing my first 5k race though and I want to start thinking about what I am going to do after that. I don't want to make any major changes before then because my body seems to be working quite nicely as it is. But I know that 11st 4lbs isn't where I want to settle at.

I also know that if I don't decide what I am going to do afterwards soon that there is a pretty good chance that I am going to just gradually let things creep back to the old way. Of everything that is the one thing I don't want. I need to take charge of it and get a head start on it.

I think one of the first things I am going to do is set myself up on another 30DS full 30 days. I will start it on 15th August as that will fit in nicely with a few other plans I have and will finish the day before one of my weigh ins.

While I am doing it I am going to continue to run at least twice a week. I am not going to try to increase the distances at all while doing 30DS everyday. If it turns out to be too much then I plan to run instead of 30DS on those two days.

I think I need a short term target as well. I don't do well with long term ones. So I need to pick some dates from my diary and set a weight target from them. The end of August works quite nicely being a Wednesday so I will have that as my day. I am not going to give myself a specific weight to aim for by then but I am going  to set myself the target of weighing under 11st. That should be do-able. It gives me 4 1/2 weeks to lose 4 1/2lbs.

I've said before in my blog that I wasn't going to set specific goals this time around because in the past when I have done that it hasn't worked well for me. At the moment I feel like I need them. I am happy for the weight to come off slowly. For the last few weeks I have been happy to maintain around the same point but that is coming to an end. Time to get back on the journey.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3 1/2lbs- A loss of 1/2lb since last week making 19lbs loss total.
Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss
No change on chest/hips
1/4in lost from my waist making 4 1/4in total loss.
I wasn't expecting to lose anything (weight or inches) this week so to see losses on weight and waist was great. I am so close to weighing less than my husband. Crazy goal but for such a long time now (about 12 years) I have weighed more than him. Anything up to 4 1/2 stone more. He is 6 inches taller than me so it shows. So no matter how crazy that is my next goal. To weigh less than my husband. His weight varies depending on how much triathlon training he is doing. At the moment he is in a not training much state which means he is at the upper end of his normal weight. In another 4lbs I will be less than him (unless he starts full on training again before then in which case I am frying all his food and making him eat cake after every meal!). The lower end for him is about 10st 7lbs. Once I have got to less than his current weight I will be aiming for that as my goal before moving on to the next one. 
I ran last night. I was going to swim but while Bookworm had her lesson I took Hyperboy swimming. I really didn't want to have to get back in my wet costume after getting dressed to hand children over to my husband to take home so decided to head straight home then run. I covered just over 4km in 26m 15s. I felt so good about that. It was 2 minutes faster than the same distance last week. The last part of my run is a long incline and my legs just won't do that at the end yet. I covered the whole 5.12k route from home to home in just over 33m with only 4 minutes of walking. Go me.
I have 1 1/2 weeks to go until the 5k I have entered.When I entered it I had an aim in my head of completing it. Once I realised I was definitely going to be able to do that I decided that I would be happy with being able to finish it in 45 minutes. As I realised that was going to be easily do-able I decided that I am aiming for running the whole thing. While I haven't quite covered that distance yet I really feel that I can and if I can do it in under 35 minutes I will be over the moon. I find it much easier to keep on running when I have someone to follow. Last night if you were running round my local park with your other half you may well have had a heavy breathing, red-faced woman following you for about 1k. I'm not a scary stalker person, I was just using you ahead of me as my focus so I could keep going.
Food is still a bit up and down at the moment. I start each day with the intention to eat right but I am finding it hard to keep away from chocolate and cakes. The only reason I am still losing is because of the exercise. I know that I will get back to the state of having the eating going right but for now I have set my weight loss goal on myfitnesspal at maintaining. I may not be able to stick at the losing goals right now but there is no way I am reversing back up the road away from what I have achieved so far. The place I have reached for now is too damn nice to throw it all away. 

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

I don't care if clothes sizes have changed

I have heard so many people say that clothes sizing has changed. It is undoubtedly true. They also vary hugely between shops. I probably should care because it means that a size that fits me now wouldn't have fitted me 20 years ago. What I am more interested in is why I don't care.

I don't care because I am more interested in how it fits me than the number on the label. In my draws/cupboards I have clothes that range from a UK10 to a UK 18.

The 10 is a cover cardigan that my Mum bought for herself and decided it didn't work on her because she has no butt. As she so beautifully put it "I bought this and the sizing comes up really big. It doesn't suit me because my bum is flat but yours is..... um, er. Well try it on and see what you think. If you like it you can have it". She has a way with words as you can see. Anyway I tried is on and it looked really good so I kept it. Now I could be all woohoo because something in a 10 fitted me. But I'm not fussed either way. It looks good and let's face it there is no way that with these boobs I am a 10. Not sure what the shop were thinking when they sized it but they were way off.

The 18 is a tight mock wrap top that I bought years ago and never wore because it made my middle look huge. Now it fits just nicely and doesn't look crazy. I could be all boohoo (see what I did there!) about the fact it is an 18 when most of my other clothes are a 14 but I'm not. It looks good and lets face it with these boobs certain things are just not going to get round them at less than an 18. It just means I have to be sure to try things on because what fits on the boobs (which measure 42in round) isn't necessarily going to fit on the middle (which measures 35in round). Incidentally the boobs are now smaller than the middle was 4 months ago.

One thing I do know is that my body has shrunk massively over the last 4 months. I know that without doubt because;
Clothes that were as tight as it gets before they didn't do up have had to go because they are way too big.
Clothes that just about did up are now too big but just about hanging in there (with the aid of a belt!) and some of them have had to go
Some things that I bought recently when they fitted nicely have had to go because they stopped fitting really quickly.
Clothes that didn't do up now fit nicely.
Clothes that weren't even going on let alone doing up are now doing up and almost fit.
Clothes that I haven't worn for 10+ years have had to come back out of the cupboard.
I had two sacks of 'too small' clothes stashed. I now have 3 things left that are still 'too small to do up' and 3 things in my wardrobe that are nearly there. It gives me such a buzz that before I know it they are going to fit and I am going to have to be buying more new stuff because everything else is swamping me.

There is only one thing I am gutted about never fitting me (not that I was going to wear it again anyway but still..). I am now 14lbs lighter than I was when we got married. That means my wedding dress would be big on me. S'ok though. The marriage is still there and if I keep putting the same effort and belief into my journey with weight loss then I will get to where I want to be.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

My poor legs.

I had a good idea this morning. After dropping Hyperboy off at playgroup I said to Bookworm "Do you fancy a bike ride?". "Ooh yes". So she got her bike out and herself ready and I got my running things on. We set off and the plan was my 5 (ish)k route. Cross the road and while she cycled I started to run. I carried on running for 28 minutes. Take that Michelle of a month ago who was bitching about not being able to run for 3 minutes. After 28 minutes we reached the point where the journey home starts to go uphill so I walked from there.

How amazing did I feel when we got home? Pretty darn good. At that point I knew I had run for 28 minutes but I didn't know what distance I had covered. So I got on to womensrunninguk which is where I have been tracking my running progress and plotted the part of the journey I had covered. 4.12k. 4.12k. I was amazed. So close to 5k. Close enough that if I had a finish line ahead I feel like I could force myself to carry on running (barring illness/injury/natural disasters).

A little while later I had another realisation. My longest run until this morning had been 23 minutes. I had added 5 minutes to that this morning. I know you could have done the maths but I like saying it. :oD

Fast forward to now, 8 hours later and my legs are very tired. My left hip is a bit sore but not too bad. I went out this morning hoping to do a couple of 10 minute blocks. I did 30DS level 1 yesterday and I really kicked butt so the body was already tired.

Yah boo sucks to the weight I have lost, the times I went out running and was struggling a few months ago. I am a runner.

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Weigh in

It's been a strange week. My head is still all over the place and I have been trying to take things one step at a time. Instead of thinking about the whole week I have just focused on the right here/right now. I haven't been able to get out and exercise as much as I would like because Bookworm has kindly shared a cough that she brought back from our camping holiday. Most of my eating has been ok but I am not making the best choices all the time. I'm not going to pressure myself about it but I am making sure I am aware of it. If I am making choices with food that aren't so good I am making sure that I am fully aware of them.

Today seems like the first time in a while that I have been able to do a proper weigh in on the 'right' day.

Weight - 11st 4lbs- A loss of 1 1/2lbs since last week making 18 1/2lbs loss total.
Body fat - 35% - A gain of 1% making 5% loss total. (Fine with that because 2 weeks ago it was 36%).
1/2in lost from my chest.
1/2in lost from my waist.
It's time for other measurements too so; 
Left bicep - 12 2/8in -no loss over 4 weeks/1in total.
Left thigh - 22in - loss of 6/8in over 4 weeks/2 7/8in total.
Left calf - 15in - loss of  2/8in over 4 weeks/6/8in total
I would like a bit more toning to be happening so I am going to start doing 30DS more often. My body is more used to running now so on the days when I am not running I will 30DS.
On the subject of running this week on the journey home from dropping Bookworm off husband and Hyperboy came too. Husband set off at a heck of a pace with Hyperboy on his bicycle. I kept up and was kind of pushed along. When I got home I was puffing and panting and was completely spent. Initially I felt awful but had a light bulb moment this morning. Yes I had felt awful straight after but damn, I ran for 9 minutes straight covering almost a mile, recovered  within 15 minutes and felt later like I could go out again. 3 months ago if I ran for 1 minute I felt worse, took ages to recover and didn't feel like I could go out again for a couple of days. So I guess I can consider that a NSV.
The weight I have lost now means I have lost 10% of what I started at. Actually make that 10% plus 1/2lb. :oD. I am still having to remind myself that the stones part of my weight is 11. I have lost count of the number of times I have gone to put 12. It is strange to me to think that I will soon be having to remember to put 10 something! It is a big thing to me that I am actually knowing that I will be reaching that point. In the past I have 'hoped' to make the kind of progress I have (and will) so far this time. I haven't ever really known that I would achieve it though. Even though I am not completely focused on it at the moment I do 100% know that I AM going to achieve it.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Not what I haven't done!

Yes that is confusing me too. But basically I decided I was going to come here and write about what I have done since Wednesday not come and moan about how bad I am doing. So here are my 'I haves'

I have... run twice.
Thursday night I did c25k week 5 run 3. I have plotted myself a new route because I was getting fed up with the route I had before. It was short enough that I was having to do it twice to fit all of c25k in and that was getting boring. My new route is far more public and has me passing a lot more people.
Friday night I went out just for fun. Yes the words 'Michelle', 'run' and 'fun' all came under the same category. I went out for the first time without my ipod and after 5 minutes walking I just ran. No timer, no company, no programme. I ran for about 13 minutes. I felt great afterwards because it's the longest I have run 'under my own steam'.

I have... tried to remember that this is a long journey not a quick fix.
I think I was starting to get a bit impatient with how slowly this is going. I could make it faster but that would involve very strict eating plans. I am not going down that road. So what if it takes me longer. I can take my time and I will get there.

I have...
Told pretty much everyone I know that I am running a 5k next month and a 10k next May. It's out there now. Everyone knows I now go running.

So it's a short list of haves but I am going to concentrate on those at the moment. The I haven'ts will get there. I will make sure they do.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

The 'My head and body are both a bit messed up' weigh in.

It seems that at the moment I can talk the talk but then go off and do a very different walk. When I think it all through I know where I am going wrong and what I need to do to make it right. But putting it into action is a very different thing right now.

I am having a difficult TOM, it is always pretty messed up but I normally get some warning that it is on the way. There is no regularity to them at all. I have always been jealous of those people who say they have a 28 day cycle. Mine can be anywhere between 15 days and 42 days. This time BAM there it was, No warning, no indications it was coming. That messed with my head for a start, on top of that I spent all day yesterday tired, achy and more than a little spaced out. I was supposed to be seeing friends last night but instead I was in bed by 8.30pm. I feel more normal today but having weighed/measured my mind is playing with me.

I have gained 1/2lb this week but body fat was down to 34% (last week it was 36%). My measurements all stayed the same. I have recorded all the numbers but I am not going to (try not to) take them too seriously. I have TOM and my eating has been all over the place. I have no idea what is down to which part. Is the 1/2lb gain down to eating weirdly or TOM? Is the 2% fat loss down to my body retaining water with TOM or did I actually reduce body fat that much?

Next week when my mind/body have stopped screwing with me I guess I will get some answers. Until then I am going to try to get my head in the right place and keep it there. And keep being honest about how badly I am doing. I know that's not what a lot of people like to read in a blog about weight loss. I make little/no apology for that though. It's not an easy journey but I am sticking with it good and bad. Eventually this time I will get there.

Monday, 11 July 2011

Start as you mean to go on

That is how my day began. I came here and offloaded before having my planned breakfast. I followed that up with level 1 of 30DS. It wasn't in my plan for the day but I have kind of missed Jillian. I am still amazed at how much easier it is to do now than when I first tried it nearly 4 months ago. I huffed and puffed my way through level 1, not able to do it all and for the things I could do I had to work at the 'easy' level. Now I can put lots of effort in, not feel like I am huffing and puffing and do most of it at the 'hard' level. I know I am the one that has put the hard work into getting to this stage but Jillian Michaels definitely deserves some of the credit. In the unlikely event that I ever meet her I will let her know just how grateful I am.

The day has gone fine with food. I stuck to my planned meals/snacks and found it useful that we were out and busy for the afternoon because it meant there was no temptation to stray from it.

After dropping Bookworm off at Brownies I set off on my route home. I go the long way home and have been using it as a measure of progress with running. Tonight, for the first time, I ran the whole thing. The last time I did it I took 10m 55s and had to walk some. Tonight it took 9m 46s. No land speed records but I am very pleased with myself. I had initially planned that once I could do the whole thing running I would start adding some in but for now I am going to stick with the same distance and add some more once it feels more comfortable. I was huffing and puffing and very red in the face when I got home. I didn't care though. I had run the whole thing. About half of it is up hill too so another big plus there.

I am peckish now and in a moment I shall have a look at myfitnesspal to work out what to eat. I do still have some calories leftover from today so I will be able to have something without going over the target on there.

Don't write food plans on random scraps of paper.

Here follows a load of waffle, feel free to ignore but I need to offload.

Yes I planned my food for the weekend and then sat and planned a full week after that. The plan for the full week went on the fridge. It is still there now. I have put today's food into myfitnesspal along with the minimum exercise I plan to do today. The weekends food is a different matter.

I wrote meals and snacks down on a scrap of paper. On Saturday I stuck with it. I went for a run which became my second 20 minute run (I'm still finding it a little strange that I can now run for 20 minutes). Sunday arrived and I couldn't find my piece of paper. S'ok, I remembered what I planned for breakfast. After that it went way downhill. I couldn't find the piece of paper and 'other things' came up.

By lunchtime my husband had made a delicious smelling loaf of bread. So I used some of that to have with a cheese salad. Then I followed it up with one of the children's chocolate mousses. Excuse - They needed eating yesterday. WHAT? Yes it was nice but really, that was 10g fat I really didn't need.

In the afternoon I didn't have a nice healthy snack. Oh no, not me. I went for 3, yes 3, of my children's mini chocolate bars. Mini, that's ok. Um, actually no 1 would be ok. 3 = 318kcals/19g fat.

Dinner came and we could have had a nice healthy, plate of buffalo casserole or some thing. I had the buffalo steak to use. Clearly the only choice (in my lost list head) is a steak and ale pie, peas and roast potatoes. Hmm.

So looking at it there was nothing terrible about it. With a little bit of tweaking it would even be an ok day. BUT the lack of a little bit of tweaking is what is missing and makes all the difference.

I didn't exercise yesterday either. After the run on Saturday my legs were heavy and I was tired.

Ok so those are my excuses/reasons. STOP.

It is a new day today, I haven't lost my meal plan, my legs don't ache. I have no excuses. Most importantly I don't have 17 1/2lbs that I did have 3 1/2 months ago. Do I want it back? Do I ****! So my choices are that that there is no choice. I don't want it back and I am enjoying running. So my only option is eat well, move plenty, enjoy life.

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Must try harder

Not as in punishing myself, feeling guilty 'must try harder' but I can't take it for granted that after having a couple of weeks away from my path to where I want to be I am going to be able to just get right back on it. Our camping trip took food choices out of my hands a little and my activity levels were lower. I decided when I got back that I would get right back on it. Job done - NO. Have I planned my food like I said I was going to? No. Have I exercised as planned? No. (Although I did go for a run on Thursday night). Did I drink wine and eat chocolate on our first night home because it was good to relax? Yes. Have I continued to eat chocolate, and lots of it, daily? Yes.

It's another of those times where I have a choice. I can either go tough on myself and remind myself why I want to do this OR I can let it slide and end up right back where I started. I choose the latter. So far this morning I have planned my meals and snacks for the weekend and am about to make a start on the next weeks meals. In half hour or so I am going to head out for a run.

Since coming home and being so pleased about losing 1lb at camp I have already regained that 1lb. It's not welcome. I have no one to blame but myself. I do have until Wednesday for my official weigh in day to sort that out. The last two days are going to be consigned to the bin marked 'temporary blip'.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Back to reality/normality

I said I wouldn't be around much for a couple of weeks. Over the last fortnight I have spent time with my family and have been off on holiday. The latter meaning that I couldn't check in here or at myfitnesspal to log food/exercise. When you are camping in a field, in the middle of nowhere, the internet isn't an option. Life is back to normal now though so I am determined to make sure that I don't let the last couple of weeks get in the way of my plan. In the past it would have been an excuse for forgetting all about eating well/exercising.

My view for the last week.

I was fully expecting to have gained some weight while camping. It was a group holiday where food was communal cooking/eating. I had decided that I wasn't going to fuss about eating. I knew there was a chance that options might be limited. I was very pleased when we got back to find that I had actually lost 1lb. I am now down to 11st 5lbs (159lbs). I was really surprised when I worked out how many pounds that was because it means leaving 160's. I am also 1/2lb away from losing 10% of my starting weight.

While I was away I didn't do much exercise. I did take my running things and did go for a run once. What I didn't get chance to come here and say was that on the morning we left I went for a run before setting off. I ran for 20 minutes without stopping. TWENTY MINUTES. I was buzzing when I got in. That was the 3rd run for week 5 of c25k. After the first run while I was away I messed up a bit and got myself a little dehydrated so decided to sort that out before attempting to run again. I didn't fancy the idea of passing out in unfamiliar country lanes. I have actually missed it though and am keen to get back into the routine again.

I now have a tent to air/dry out. It was beautiful the whole time we were there right up to the last night when it rained almost non stop all night. We didn't have the option of waiting a while to see if we could get it dry before heading home as we had something to get back for.

I am going to plan food for the next week so that I can just grab meals/snacks without thinking. I have shopping arriving today, thank goodness for online food shopping. :oD

NSV alert. My husband took some photos of me in a long skirt and vest top. I DON'T wear skirts and don't wear vest tops in public so to be wearing those in a group of 40 people was and NSV itself. But I looked at the photos last night and I didn't think how bad I looked. I was actually quite happy with the way I looked.

This is a very bitty post but then so is my house right now. I guess I should get started on the joy of unpacking.

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Weigh in and catch up

This has been a very busy week. It has actually gone really well food wise and exercise wise (more about that in a moment). One of the things I learnt a couple of years ago is that home educating Bookworm and Hyperboy takes a lot of time from other things. Something that has been really good for me over the last few months is truly appreciating the time I have given to myself. It feels good to have spent time focusing on me and being nice to me. I have fed my body well and I have enjoyed the time I have spent exercising. I have enjoyed the results of it, losing weight, not feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin and not feeling like a blimp! The result of all that has been a happier Me, Wife and Mummy. We all win. :oD

So weigh in this morning. I only set myself a goal of 1/2lb loss for this week. I knew we were going to be at my parents for a few days and I know that when I am there it is not as easy to eat the way I have been lately. I also knew that I'd be spending a lot less time being active.

Weight - 11st 6lbs- A loss of 1/2lb making 16 1/2lbs loss total. :)
Body fat - 35% - 1% lost this week making 5% loss total. :)
1/2in lost from my waist making 10 1/2in lost from chest/waist/hips in total.
I am very happy that I met the weight goal I set myself. It wasn't easy to eat well at my parents and I didn't feel great as a result but I was glad to see the loss I had been aiming for. I now weigh the same as I did 12 years ago. 4lbs to go and I will be weighing the same as I did when I was 21. :oD I am also 1 1/2lbs from losing 10% of my starting weight.
I was really surprised to see the body fat drop. It had dropped to 35% 3 weeks ago but the next week was back up to 36%. It did a similar thing when I had the drop to 37% so hopefully the drop will stick this time around.
The 1/2inch loss from my waist sort of surprised me and sort of didn't. I knew I had got smaller there because trousers feel loose. These are trousers from my "not a chance" pile that has got shrunk to almost nothing. They are ones that I haven't worn for years (or ever in some cases). I wasn't expecting 1/2in though. (Happy dance).
I posted very briefly about the NSV of running. While we were out for a run my husband was in charge of timing. He wouldn't tell me how long we had run for until we got back. He made me wait and tormented me for ages before finally telling me that the first block of running was 10 minutes. After a 2 1/2 minute walk we then went on to run 8 1/2 minutes. I was even more pleased because I had been the one to say when I wanted to stop running and start walking. Not bad seeing as I was so disheartened the other week. Two days later I went out again by myself (husband had competed the day before and little brother was still in his pit bed. I took my ipod and did c25k week 5 run 1. The NSV's came thick and fast. I went the same route and
I was enjoying it.
I wasn't phased by the few other people I saw.
I spoke to another runner I saw (yes I felt like 'a runner').
I ran all the way up an incline.
I had to extend the route because it wasn't going to be long enough and the extension took me up a fairly steep hill WHICH I RAN UP.
I felt like I could do more afterwards.
And when we got home that night I ran again after dropping Bookworm off at Brownies. In the heat, dripping with sweat and managed all but 1 1/2 minutes of the route running.
I AM ON FIRE! No false modesty here. I am doing a great job and am loving exercising.

I have entered a 5k race. It is in August. A lot sooner than the 10k I am entered for next May! I feel super confident that I will be able to run it all by then. And I even feel ok about the small chance that I might need to walk a little bit of it. The only goals I have set for it are
1) Finish the distance.
2) Don't be last.

One last NSV. I mowed our back garden yesterday. It was really hot out and thunderstorms were due so it was very muggy. Our mower is a push mower so it's not an easy job. 45 minutes of doing that and I was dripping with sweat. I noticed something though. I didn't find it hard going. Last time I did it I was aching afterwards and kept feeling out of breath. Not this time. It was a doddle.

I have another super busy week coming up so don't think I have sneaked off into a corner with a big bar of green and black's caramel. I have no intention of doing that. I just might not have much time to check in here. I will be thinking about it though and making good choices.

You are dismissed, I have finished waffling!

Monday, 27 June 2011

No time for a long post

But I have a NSV that I want to shout about. Actually make that two.

1) We had a weekend at my Mum's and when I had a bath after a run my tummy was actually below the water level. Bizarre but true and made me :oD.

2) I went for a run with my husband and brother and knocked 10% off the time I did 2 months ago on the same route but best of all manage a 10 minute stretch of running. I was buzzing afterwards.

I will come back tomorrow with a longer post but right now I am tired after a long weekend and horrible, hot car journey home.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Couch to 5k - week 4 and a heavy rucksack

I did it. I actually bloody did it. The whole thing. Plus an extra 5 minutes walking at the end because, well it was either that or not get home. :oD

I am so pleased with myself. I slowed my pace down and it worked. I am feeling so proud of myself right now. And if you'd been in the park I was in you'd have witnessed me shake my fists and say "YES!" as I finished the second 5 minute run.

At the end my knee felt a bit delicate but when I got back my husband went over some stretches with me and it's ok now.

I also realised there was one of my goals last week that I never got round to. I didn't fill that bag with the weight I have lost so far. I did that tonight and then carted it round on my back for half an hour while I made tea. Holy cow. 16lbs is a fair weight. I can't believe I was lugging that round all day every day! It can stay in the rucksack, I can take that off.

I also realised when I was filling it up that I am about 2lbs away from having lost 10% of my weight. I am almost 9/10 of the woman I was. I think my confidence and happiness has increased 100% though so I am not missing anything.

I could just wait until tonight and post about today...

Or I could post now and be honest about yesterday. If I wait until tonight I can gloss over yesterday. If I post now I can have this here as a reminder to myself and a lesson.

 I started off with very good intentions for the day. I had decided to change my weigh in day so that I now weigh in on a Wednesday. Did that, was pleased to see that since Monday I had lost 1/2lb. I was going to go and do 2 levels of 30DS. I got to that and there was my first hurdle. My legs were tired. Very tired. I did level 1 and couldn't even begin to entertain the idea of doing another level. That was ok, I could see how good it is that I am now exercising for 5/6 days every week and have done for 11 1/2 weeks now. So I left it there and didn't beat myself up about it.

My problem yesterday wasn't exercise it was food. Not so much a hurdle as a tiny pony meeting a ruddy, great jump with a pond on the other side. Now I am logging EVERYTHING on myfitnesspal it's not so easy to ignore what crap (sorry to those who are easily offended) I put in my body yesterday. Myfitnesspal tells me, all cheerfully, that yesterday I consumed 2987 kcals and 120g fat. That is about twice what I should be looking at. So what did I eat that led to this. I am going to be really honest here.

Breakfast - orangey oats (25g rolled oats soaked overnight in 2tsp orange juice) mixed with 20g raisins, 4 strawberries, 1 pot yogurt. - This is my usual breakfast. No big deal.
Snack - caramel slice (shortbread base, covered with caramel and topped with chocolate) - not a big deal at the time. I had made some for a friend and planned 1 into my day.
Lunch - Jacket potato, butter, baked beans and cheese - again no real problem here. it was meant to be for tea but a lack of bread for the sandwich I planned to have meant swapping lunch for tea.
Snacks - caramel slice um. the caramel and chocolate part of TWO more caramel slices - yes I am ashamed, yes it is ridiculous that I actually took the time to slice the top away from the shortbread, threw that away and just ate the caramel and chocolate. WTF!!! Why the hell would I do that? I have a very sweet tooth.
Dinner - 1 slice of bread and butter - this was completely unnecessary. It was fresh out of the oven and I couldn't resist have the crust from the end while it was still warm. Egg/salad cream sandwich made with 2 slices bread, 1 hard boiled egg, salad cream and butter. - this part was what I had originally planned for lunch.
Evening - 4 homemade ginger biscuits and (yes and) 1 chocolate coated ginger ice cream stick - I didn't NEED either of these things. I had made ginger biscuits for Bookworm and Hyperboy and nibbled dough while I made so the '4' was actually 1 cooked and  the equivalent of 3 in dough. The ice-cream is one of the most delicious things I have ever tasted. I bought them from one of the supermarkets here in the UK and they are so yummy. It was the last one in my freezer.

So there you go. That as you can see people is the ridiculous food consumption for me yesterday. It all went to pot from about 4pm onwards. Now I know that before I started my journey it would have looked a little like that every day. The main difference being that most days the dinner (see lunch above) would have been a bigger meal and probably meant somewhere around 500cals/20g fat more than yesterday. So most days I was eating 3500kcals/140g fat. Everyday!!! Add into that the fact that my only exercise was normal day to day movement and I think we can see exactly why I was where I was. Frankly I am amazed I was not a  LOT bigger and very ill!

So I guess I learnt a big lesson yesterday. I treated my body like rubbish. I don't believe in low fat/low calorie food. That is fine when I am making sure that it is full fat/full calorie things balanced out. But when I eat like I did yesterday that adds up to a whole lot of stuff.

Today I feel sluggish, my legs are heavy, I have a headache and my throat is sore. Serves me right but in some ways it is useful to me. I think I had  been doubting how bad it was before. IT WAS BAD. There are no excuses for treating my children's mother that way.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Weigh in - Yes I decided to change it

I said I was considering changing my weigh in day to a Wednesday. I have decided I am going to. It was mainly prompted by the fact that for the next two weeks I won't be able to do it on a Monday. So it's only been 2 days since I last checked in but I figure there is no time like the present! Plus if I leave it until next week to swap and don't check on for 1 1/2 weeks I know I am likely to think "loads of time to make up for any little gains". I don't want to do that. It would mean being less careful, because if I am honest that is exactly what would happen, for 2-3 days before getting back in to it. So I weighed this morning and took it as a proper weigh in.

Weight - 11st 6 1/2lbs- A loss of 1/2lb since Monday(!!!!!) making 16lbs loss total.
Body fat - 36% - Same as Monday making 4% loss total.
1/4in lost from my hips making 10in lost from chest/waist/hips in total
I am going to go and get Bookworm and Hyperboy started on their work for the day and then I shall shred for all I am worth.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

So it's true, you can run for longer if you slow down

Last week when I was running with my husband and then again when he was nearby playing with Bookworm and Hyperboy he was watching the speed I run at. I have been really struggling to get past 3 minute blocks of running. Husband suggested that if I slow my pace down a bit I would probably find that I could run for longer time. This was met with scepticism by me. I really felt that if I slow down then I wouldn't really be moving.

Last night on my weekly trip back from dropping Bookworm at a group I decided to give it a go. I set out slowly and just carried on until I needed to walk. I managed 5m 22s of running. Darn, the man is right. After 1 minute of walking I ran for another 2m 30s before being almost home.

My right knee is a little sore but I think the cause of that is the gears on my bike not changing properly on Sunday and jarring my knee a bit. I will take it easy for a couple of days and with a bit of luck it will be back to normal. I am looking forward to my next run as it will be the longer route (by longer I mean 2.3 miles compared to the 0.94 miles I did last night) on Thursday.

I am thinking of changing my weigh in day. For the next two weeks I won't be able to weigh in on a Monday anyway so now is as good a time as any. I am considering making it a Wednesday. It is the day we get fresh fruit and veg delivered and having that there to lead me away from being tempted by other things would be better. Mondays tend to be Old Mother Hubbard time in our food stores so after weighing I am thinking 'hmm we have biscuits and cakes that could do with being eaten'.

Monday, 20 June 2011

Friend making Monday

I haven't done this for a couple of weeks and I have missed it. If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments and head over to www.alltheweigh.com to check out Kenz's answers and others links.

FMM: Yes or No?
  1. Do you use coupons? Yes, I am always up for saving money.
  2. Do you like football? I am guessing when Kenz added this question she didn't mean soccer but as I am in the UK to me that is football. I do like football (ie soccer) but haven't really watched any for a long time.
  3. Are you in a relationship? Yes, I am happily married to my childhood penpal. Nearly 10 years now. 
  4. Is your phone always within arm’s reach? No, but I always know where it is.
  5. Do you like thunderstorms? Yes! I love storms.
  6. Can you cook? Yes, I love to cook. It is one of my favourite ways to spend my time. 
  7. Are you – or have you – lost weight? Yes, finally successfully for the first time ever. 
  8. Do you know how to read a map? Yes,but it has to be 'the right way uo' much to my husband's amusement!
  9. Do you wear makeup? No, I really can't be bothered!
  10. Do you read regularly? Yes, every day. 
  11. Are you publicly affectionate? Yes. 
  12. Do you like picnics? Yes! Open air eating is great.
  13. Do you have a/c? No.
  14. Have you ever been out of the country? Yes. But I am now scared of flying so unless we get on a boat or Euro star it's not happening. 
  15. Do you know how to ride a bicycle? Yes.
Happy Monday.

Weigh in - 12 weeks

It seems strange that I have now been keeping this blog for 3 months. Without a doubt it is the biggest factor in me sticking with losing weight this time around. In the past I have tried keeping a diary but I would get bored of filling it in or 'forget' to put things in it. How stupid was that?! It's not like anybody else read it. I have been far more honest on here. Anyway it's working so I don't really mind why! :o)

I can't say I am over the moon with the numbers on the scales/tape measure this week but they are still in the right direction.
Weight - 11st 7lbs- A loss of 1 1/2lbs since last week making 15 1/2lbs loss total.
Body fat - 36% - A gain of 1% making 4% loss total.
1/4in lost from my chest 9 3/4in lost from chest/waist/hips in total.
I am now 12 weeks from when I started so I have taken other measurements too.
Left bicep - 12 2/8in -loss of 2/8in over 4 weeks/1in total.
Left thigh - 22 6/8in - loss of 3/8in over 4 weeks/2 1/8in total.
Left calf - 15 2/8in - no loss over 4 weeks/4/8in total
The reason I was hoping for more of a loss is just because things have slowed down so much now. Instead of focusing on those numbers though I am going to concentrate on the fact that a lot of other things have changed drastically in the last 12 weeks.
My skin is so much softer. I guess all the sweating when I have exercised has helped. So there is a benefit to looking like someone has painted me with postbox red face paint!
I have a whole heap more energy.
I can run for 3 minutes without needing to stop. 12 weeks ago I couldn't run for 1 minute. I think I can do more than this. My husband says I run too fast and if I slow down I will be able to sustain longer. Going to try that later.
I can workout hard for 50 minutes and feel fine again 10 minutes later. 12 weeks ago 20 minutes of working out with a little bit of effort left me feeling like I was about to die and so sore the next morning that I struggled to move.
My nails are growing really nicely. They weren't pretty 12 weeks ago. Now they look lovely.
My body is tighter. Yes it still wobbles a fair bit but my skin is so much tighter than it was.
All of the pairs of trousers that I was wearing (except pjs) are now too big and have GONE. I have got rid of them. Some got thrown out because frankly they were tatty beyond belief, some have been given to charity and some are going on ebay. I don't really care where they go but they aren't going back in my wardrobe!
There are more changes that I am happy about but that will do for now. I am going to start my day at 11 1/2stone (161lbs) for the first time in over 10 years.