The Make-up Fairy made me do it.

 Okay she didn't really but in response to my last post The Make-up Fairy said she thought it was really important to think about the reasons why my heart hasn't been in it recently. So here I am, sitting at the back of the class writing my essay.

 You know when you were in school and had homework to write an essay about something you hadn't really paid attention to. Well that's how I am feeling right now. I don't really know where to start because I think the main reason I haven't been doing so well is because I have got lazy. When this was going really well and I was making good progress I was planning my food every week, tracking my actual food every day, planning my exercise every week, tracking my exercise every day, thinking carefully about if I actually wanted/needed to eat x,y,z and thinking about why I was trying to lose weight. I have become complacent.

Oooh, hang on, something just went ping in my head. One reason why that has happened is because I have reached a point with my weight where I am at a lower point than I have been at any point over the last 12 years. That means I am at the same weight I was at when I was 21. I also know that I am a lot fitter than I was back then. When I think about where I have got to now my over-riding thought it one of "Well heck, I have done so well. I deserve a bit of a break from this".

I have also reached the point where my two sacks of too small clothes have shrunk to two pairs of trousers and a shirt. The stuff that fits me now is pretty much it when it comes to clothes I own fitting well. Some of it is already starting to feel too big. That scares me. I know it sounds ridiculous but once those things are too big I have to make do for a while. We can't afford for me to be buying more clothes right now. So if I get smaller then I have to be smaller in baggy clothes. Now that shouldn't bother me but at the moment things fit nicely, I don't look too bad and it's not like I am the type of person that is too bothered about how I look. At least that's what I thought. Over the last few weeks I have begun to quite like what I see in the mirror. I have realised that for pretty much the past 10 years I have worn clothes that I consider don't make me noticeable. I hate standing out at the best of times. Standing out when I was very overweight really didn't appeal. It wasn't a conscious thing I just had a wardrobe full of generic jeans and tops. Feeling happier with me has meant that my wardrobe has a little more colour. I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!

In some ways I don't feel like anything has changed. My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago. If I need to convert my weight from stones and pounds to pounds then I always find myself first of all multiplying 12 by 14. Then I have to start again because I am not 12 stone anything. I am 11 stone something. That seems pretty stupid to me because I am actually only a few pounds away from being 10 stone something and I can't even get my head round 11 something. If my head is still stuck in the 12's then no wonder I am struggling to get stuck into the eating ways of my new life.

Here is a big one. I am scared. I am scared that something is going to come along and change it all back. What if I get injured and can't exercise, what if I wake up one morning and have suddenly gained back all 20lbs, what if I can't do it. I will have seen and felt what it is like to weigh a lot less than I used to and know the pain and misery of not succeeding. That scares the crap out of me. I think part of my head thinks it would be safer to just go back to that safe little cocoon I had and just be the quiet, fat girl sitting quietly in the corner.

I am worried about what to do when I get there. So when I get to that healthy weight where I am also happy with the way I look. What do I do? Will it be a constant battle to stick at it? Will I end up only being able to maintain it if I eat next to nothing? I don't like the idea of that. Not one little bit. To me that screams not healthy.

The exercise is the one thing that has stuck with me. I don't find it a struggle (mentally) to do it. I actually enjoy it.

So there we go. That is some of the stuff that has spewed from my head because The Make-up Fairy made me do it. Now I will admit that I would never in an entire lifetime come across her blog if it wasn't for the fact that she is working on losing weight as well. Make up for me is something that I wear once in a blue moon. She would be horrified that I still have make up kicking around some where from when I got married. That will be 10 years next year. That woman does things with make up that I can't even begin to imagine knowing how to do. In that respect we couldn't be more different. But that woman talks sense. She told me it was important to give thought to the whys. She was damn right. Looking at those things I have highlighted I feel like I can start working out how to deal with them. If you are less make-up challenged than me go and check out her blog. She is giving away some goodies right now so as well as coming away from her blog with useful advice you might well end up with some make up too.

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 2 1/2lbs- A loss of 1lb since last week making 20lbs loss total.

Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss

No change on chest/waist

1/2in lost from my hips making 4 1/4in total loss

 

I should be feeling very cheerful and excited this morning. My weigh in today takes me to 20lbs lost. That makes me the same as I was when I was 21. For some reason though, that I have yet to put my finger on I just feel flat. The calendar tells me I might possibly have TOM soon. At least I would if my body knew how to do anything to a routine, as it is that could be this week, it could be next week, it could be a fortnight from now.

 

Anyway, good things. I am continuing to lose weight and inches. I have continued to run. I have had a slightly tight hamstring but nothing that a good massage won't cure (hopefully). I am counting down the days to my first 5k race (notice I said first 5k race, I am already thinking about doing some more before the 10k I have booked next May). I still haven't quite managed to run 5k in my training runs but I am now up to 28 minutes of running and have covered 4.48km before needing to walk. I will be going out for my last training run tonight. Obviously that has been a cue for some of the hottest weather we've had for a few weeks and so far the forecast for the day of the race is thunderstorms!!!!!!

 

I have noticed a sudden increase in my activity levels over the last week. Our garden needs some serious attention. It has been getting it from me (with a little help from my husband at the weekend). Things have been tidied, moved, thrown out, retrieved from the undergrowth AND most spectacularly of all we have finally put up the climbing frame we bought the children 2 years ago. Having the energy to do things like that is very nice. It is also very rewarding to see the result of it. Our garden has been very neglected over the last couple of years due to a triathloning (!) husband and a lazy, dis-inclined me.

 

I am noticing my clothes getting looser again. Some of the ones that are getting looser are UK14's. This is heading into strange territory for me now. I am starting to look at myself in the mirror and quite liking what I see. Yes a lot of areas are still nowhere near how I would like them but dressed I have felt that I am no longer looking just plain old fat. I have a few pairs of jeans that I really need to get rid of. They are ones that are still in really good condition because I bought them between starting this journey and now. I am hoping to sell them on eBay. Even a little bit of money for them will help towards getting me something else that fits nicely. I have noticed that the days I am most complacent about what/how I eat are the days when the clothes I am wearing are the loosest. I would like to be able to just give them away to someone who is a little bit further back on the path than I am but I also know that I need to replace them and that takes money.

 

I plan to spend some time catching up on blanket squares this week. After I run tonight I plan to give my legs a rest from exercise for a few days ready for the 5k. I will probably be back here before the 5k but if not I will definitely be back to post about how it goes.

 

Happy Wednesday everybody.

 

 

 

I don't care if clothes sizes have changed

I have heard so many people say that clothes sizing has changed. It is undoubtedly true. They also vary hugely between shops. I probably should care because it means that a size that fits me now wouldn't have fitted me 20 years ago. What I am more interested in is why I don't care.

I don't care because I am more interested in how it fits me than the number on the label. In my draws/cupboards I have clothes that range from a UK10 to a UK 18.

The 10 is a cover cardigan that my Mum bought for herself and decided it didn't work on her because she has no butt. As she so beautifully put it "I bought this and the sizing comes up really big. It doesn't suit me because my bum is flat but yours is..... um, er. Well try it on and see what you think. If you like it you can have it". She has a way with words as you can see. Anyway I tried is on and it looked really good so I kept it. Now I could be all woohoo because something in a 10 fitted me. But I'm not fussed either way. It looks good and let's face it there is no way that with these boobs I am a 10. Not sure what the shop were thinking when they sized it but they were way off.

The 18 is a tight mock wrap top that I bought years ago and never wore because it made my middle look huge. Now it fits just nicely and doesn't look crazy. I could be all boohoo (see what I did there!) about the fact it is an 18 when most of my other clothes are a 14 but I'm not. It looks good and lets face it with these boobs certain things are just not going to get round them at less than an 18. It just means I have to be sure to try things on because what fits on the boobs (which measure 42in round) isn't necessarily going to fit on the middle (which measures 35in round). Incidentally the boobs are now smaller than the middle was 4 months ago.

One thing I do know is that my body has shrunk massively over the last 4 months. I know that without doubt because;
Clothes that were as tight as it gets before they didn't do up have had to go because they are way too big.
Clothes that just about did up are now too big but just about hanging in there (with the aid of a belt!) and some of them have had to go
Some things that I bought recently when they fitted nicely have had to go because they stopped fitting really quickly.
Clothes that didn't do up now fit nicely.
Clothes that weren't even going on let alone doing up are now doing up and almost fit.
Clothes that I haven't worn for 10+ years have had to come back out of the cupboard.
I had two sacks of 'too small' clothes stashed. I now have 3 things left that are still 'too small to do up' and 3 things in my wardrobe that are nearly there. It gives me such a buzz that before I know it they are going to fit and I am going to have to be buying more new stuff because everything else is swamping me.

There is only one thing I am gutted about never fitting me (not that I was going to wear it again anyway but still..). I am now 14lbs lighter than I was when we got married. That means my wedding dress would be big on me. S'ok though. The marriage is still there and if I keep putting the same effort and belief into my journey with weight loss then I will get to where I want to be.