Throwing frustration in the bin instead of stuffing it down my mouth!

OK, I said earlier I was going to make myself be more aware of why I was eating. The challenge arose rather more quickly then I anticipated. This afternoon something has happened that caused me intense frustration. It coincided with a tray of cookies that Hyperboy made cooling on the side. BIG, BAD COMBINATION.

I convinced myself that the first cookie was OK because "I was being a good Mummy and checking out how he had done".

Second one "This isn't good but they are yummy".

Third one "What am I doing? Surely one would have been plenty".

Fourth one "Oh yeah, I am meant to be thinking about this and working out why. OK, I am in a bad mood, I am annoyed and there is nothing I can do about it. So I have eaten these instead.".

At that point I still had half a cookie left in my hand. I stood there staring at the cookie. Then I threw it in the bin. My frustration hasn't eased any, I am still really angry but I have only made it 3 1/2 cookies worse rather than an entire tray full.

I can still salvage today by replacing part of my tea with salad and still making sure I get a decent healthy meal. I have work to do on this. A lot of work. But I will get there.

After my post yesterday I decided that having given some head space to what is going on with why I am stalling it would make sense to go through the reasons I highlighted and start making a plan for changing and getting back on. So here goes.

I have become complacent.
This has two parts to it really. The food part is that I have stopped planning stopped tracking everything. The exercise part is that while I have still been doing it I know it means I can eat a little more and not gain (much). I am not ready to stick where I am. If I stay the way I am with food and exercise that is exactly what will happen. Resolving the food part is so simple all I have to do is sit down for an hour once a week and plan a weeks meals. That and logging everything I eat again. The exercise part isn't a big deal but I know that if I stick with what I am doing I will not only continue to get stronger and fitter but getting the food bit back in check will mean that I will get back on that journey to losing weight as well.

I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!
Well I sure as heck don't want to go back to sitting in the corner and occasionally being noticed because I am turning into a blob. I know that doesn't sound nice but please know that this is not how I see other people. It is purely how I saw myself 6 months ago. If I think back to then my mind is not a happy one. So as for this bit I will just have to suck it up and trust that when the time is right life will bring smaller clothes, or the funds to buy them, my way.

My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago.
Part of me wishes I had kept just one of my big outfits. If I had I could try it on and see just how much difference there is. But I didn't so tough luck. I do have some photos that I took last time round which are about where I was when I started this time. If I dig those out, take some new ones and stick them somewhere (probably inside my wardrobe) that I will see them often as a reminder of how much I have changed.

I am scared of everything changing back to how it was.
This is where I just need to grow a pair really. The only way that is going to happen is if I let the current state carry on and change back to doing nothing and eating the way I used to. I think the first solution of planning and tracking should take care of that.

I am worried about what to do when I get there.
Well this one is kind of pointless to worry about at the moment. I am not there so I don't know what approach I need to take once I am. I won't know what it is like if I never get there. So my plan is
1) get there first
2)decide if I like it
3) if the answer is yes then work out how to stay there, if the answer is no then I can always eat a bucket load of food, stop moving my massively smaller butt and head right back up there to 12/13 stone +.

So this is where I go from here;

Sit down for an hour once a week and plan a weeks meals and log everything I eat. One other thing with food that I know is that I have let too much chocolate back into my day. That first week needs to be very low on sugar to get my body used to eating it little and very occasionally.

Trust that when the time is right life will bring smaller clothes or the funds to buy them my way.

Dig out some old photos, take some new ones and stick them inside my wardrobe

I am not going to post a weigh in this week. I know that I have gained half a pound since last week, I know that is because while the children are away the parents are eating out more while we get the chance, if I post it here I will head into beat myself up mode. They come home on Sunday so while it smacks of 'the diet starts Monday' I am going to plan a weeks meals from the point they come back. I will weigh in as normal next Wednesday and take what is thrown at me after this weeks relaxed eating.

The Make-up Fairy made me do it.

 Okay she didn't really but in response to my last post The Make-up Fairy said she thought it was really important to think about the reasons why my heart hasn't been in it recently. So here I am, sitting at the back of the class writing my essay.

 You know when you were in school and had homework to write an essay about something you hadn't really paid attention to. Well that's how I am feeling right now. I don't really know where to start because I think the main reason I haven't been doing so well is because I have got lazy. When this was going really well and I was making good progress I was planning my food every week, tracking my actual food every day, planning my exercise every week, tracking my exercise every day, thinking carefully about if I actually wanted/needed to eat x,y,z and thinking about why I was trying to lose weight. I have become complacent.

Oooh, hang on, something just went ping in my head. One reason why that has happened is because I have reached a point with my weight where I am at a lower point than I have been at any point over the last 12 years. That means I am at the same weight I was at when I was 21. I also know that I am a lot fitter than I was back then. When I think about where I have got to now my over-riding thought it one of "Well heck, I have done so well. I deserve a bit of a break from this".

I have also reached the point where my two sacks of too small clothes have shrunk to two pairs of trousers and a shirt. The stuff that fits me now is pretty much it when it comes to clothes I own fitting well. Some of it is already starting to feel too big. That scares me. I know it sounds ridiculous but once those things are too big I have to make do for a while. We can't afford for me to be buying more clothes right now. So if I get smaller then I have to be smaller in baggy clothes. Now that shouldn't bother me but at the moment things fit nicely, I don't look too bad and it's not like I am the type of person that is too bothered about how I look. At least that's what I thought. Over the last few weeks I have begun to quite like what I see in the mirror. I have realised that for pretty much the past 10 years I have worn clothes that I consider don't make me noticeable. I hate standing out at the best of times. Standing out when I was very overweight really didn't appeal. It wasn't a conscious thing I just had a wardrobe full of generic jeans and tops. Feeling happier with me has meant that my wardrobe has a little more colour. I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!

In some ways I don't feel like anything has changed. My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago. If I need to convert my weight from stones and pounds to pounds then I always find myself first of all multiplying 12 by 14. Then I have to start again because I am not 12 stone anything. I am 11 stone something. That seems pretty stupid to me because I am actually only a few pounds away from being 10 stone something and I can't even get my head round 11 something. If my head is still stuck in the 12's then no wonder I am struggling to get stuck into the eating ways of my new life.

Here is a big one. I am scared. I am scared that something is going to come along and change it all back. What if I get injured and can't exercise, what if I wake up one morning and have suddenly gained back all 20lbs, what if I can't do it. I will have seen and felt what it is like to weigh a lot less than I used to and know the pain and misery of not succeeding. That scares the crap out of me. I think part of my head thinks it would be safer to just go back to that safe little cocoon I had and just be the quiet, fat girl sitting quietly in the corner.

I am worried about what to do when I get there. So when I get to that healthy weight where I am also happy with the way I look. What do I do? Will it be a constant battle to stick at it? Will I end up only being able to maintain it if I eat next to nothing? I don't like the idea of that. Not one little bit. To me that screams not healthy.

The exercise is the one thing that has stuck with me. I don't find it a struggle (mentally) to do it. I actually enjoy it.

So there we go. That is some of the stuff that has spewed from my head because The Make-up Fairy made me do it. Now I will admit that I would never in an entire lifetime come across her blog if it wasn't for the fact that she is working on losing weight as well. Make up for me is something that I wear once in a blue moon. She would be horrified that I still have make up kicking around some where from when I got married. That will be 10 years next year. That woman does things with make up that I can't even begin to imagine knowing how to do. In that respect we couldn't be more different. But that woman talks sense. She told me it was important to give thought to the whys. She was damn right. Looking at those things I have highlighted I feel like I can start working out how to deal with them. If you are less make-up challenged than me go and check out her blog. She is giving away some goodies right now so as well as coming away from her blog with useful advice you might well end up with some make up too.