Don't write food plans on random scraps of paper.

Here follows a load of waffle, feel free to ignore but I need to offload.

Yes I planned my food for the weekend and then sat and planned a full week after that. The plan for the full week went on the fridge. It is still there now. I have put today's food into myfitnesspal along with the minimum exercise I plan to do today. The weekends food is a different matter.

I wrote meals and snacks down on a scrap of paper. On Saturday I stuck with it. I went for a run which became my second 20 minute run (I'm still finding it a little strange that I can now run for 20 minutes). Sunday arrived and I couldn't find my piece of paper. S'ok, I remembered what I planned for breakfast. After that it went way downhill. I couldn't find the piece of paper and 'other things' came up.

By lunchtime my husband had made a delicious smelling loaf of bread. So I used some of that to have with a cheese salad. Then I followed it up with one of the children's chocolate mousses. Excuse - They needed eating yesterday. WHAT? Yes it was nice but really, that was 10g fat I really didn't need.

In the afternoon I didn't have a nice healthy snack. Oh no, not me. I went for 3, yes 3, of my children's mini chocolate bars. Mini, that's ok. Um, actually no 1 would be ok. 3 = 318kcals/19g fat.

Dinner came and we could have had a nice healthy, plate of buffalo casserole or some thing. I had the buffalo steak to use. Clearly the only choice (in my lost list head) is a steak and ale pie, peas and roast potatoes. Hmm.

So looking at it there was nothing terrible about it. With a little bit of tweaking it would even be an ok day. BUT the lack of a little bit of tweaking is what is missing and makes all the difference.

I didn't exercise yesterday either. After the run on Saturday my legs were heavy and I was tired.

Ok so those are my excuses/reasons. STOP.

It is a new day today, I haven't lost my meal plan, my legs don't ache. I have no excuses. Most importantly I don't have 17 1/2lbs that I did have 3 1/2 months ago. Do I want it back? Do I ****! So my choices are that that there is no choice. I don't want it back and I am enjoying running. So my only option is eat well, move plenty, enjoy life.

Must try harder

Not as in punishing myself, feeling guilty 'must try harder' but I can't take it for granted that after having a couple of weeks away from my path to where I want to be I am going to be able to just get right back on it. Our camping trip took food choices out of my hands a little and my activity levels were lower. I decided when I got back that I would get right back on it. Job done - NO. Have I planned my food like I said I was going to? No. Have I exercised as planned? No. (Although I did go for a run on Thursday night). Did I drink wine and eat chocolate on our first night home because it was good to relax? Yes. Have I continued to eat chocolate, and lots of it, daily? Yes.

It's another of those times where I have a choice. I can either go tough on myself and remind myself why I want to do this OR I can let it slide and end up right back where I started. I choose the latter. So far this morning I have planned my meals and snacks for the weekend and am about to make a start on the next weeks meals. In half hour or so I am going to head out for a run.

Since coming home and being so pleased about losing 1lb at camp I have already regained that 1lb. It's not welcome. I have no one to blame but myself. I do have until Wednesday for my official weigh in day to sort that out. The last two days are going to be consigned to the bin marked 'temporary blip'.

Choices

I sat down last night to read through new posts on blogs that I enjoy and came across this. It really couldn't be better timed. The way I have been feeling lately has been very frustrating. It wasn't so much the list of reasons for losing weight that caught my attention as the bit about self-sabotage. I realised reading it that self-sabotage is just what I am on the verge of. I have been a bit lax with food. Not eating over the guide amounts on myfitnesspal but getting as close as possible. Where exercise is concerned I have been getting frustrated with lack of progress and haven't been enjoying it as much. I have a choice right now. And it would be a conscious choice because exercise has become something I do more days than not and being aware of the food I eat has been something that I have given thought to everyday for 12 weeks.

I decided reading that blog that I have to make that conscious choice NOW. Not wait until I tip over the edge and start gaining again suddenly realising that none of my clothes fit and I am back to where I was before. So my choice is this. Forget the c**p I wrote yesterday about giving myself a break. That is rubbish. That is a cop out. It would be a justification for slowly fading into the background and forgetting all about this blog and the last 12 weeks. Nope, that is not going to happen.

I choose to carry on with this.

I choose to start properly working at this.

I choose to need new clothes a few months from now because everything I own is too big.

I choose to be happier with what I see in the mirror.

I choose to keep going with teaching my body to run.

I choose to eat well.

I choose to not give up.

While it wasn't the reasons for losing weight that caught my attention it is important for me to be aware of why I am doing this.

I want to be healthier. I know that my health is affected by my weight and I know that if I don't do something now it will be more than a little niggle when I am older.

I want to be able to run around with my children rather than just watching my husband have all the fun. I can do this more now but want to be able to do it for as long as they can keep it up. 

I want to wear smaller clothes. I can now wear all but 7 items of clothing that I have from before I gained a whole heap of weight or bought to slim into. I want more.

I want to feel comfortable with what I see in the mirror. It's better now, there are actually things that I can pick out about me that I like. But there are also things that I despise. I know that some of those things could be changed by removing the layers of fat.

I want to not feel like hiding my body from my husband. I want to enjoy moments with my husband instead of thinking about what bothers me about me.

I want to set a good example to my children. Bookworm loves nothing more than to sit and read. I was the same at her age. She is fine at the moment but as she gets older that won't be the case. I don't want to be thinking 20 years from now that if I had set a better example she wouldn't be struggling with weight.

I don't want to feel like a fraud when someone says 'wow you've lost loads of weight'. I don't want the next time I see them to be the unspoken 'yes but I've gained it all back'.

I want to thank Need to get me back for writing the post she did. I needed to read exactly that. The timing couldn't be better. I am off to have my breakfast now. Have a good day and enjoy whatever you do.