Okay she didn't really but in response to my last post The Make-up Fairy said she thought it was really important to think about the reasons why my heart hasn't been in it recently. So here I am, sitting at the back of the class writing my essay.
You know when you were in school and had homework to write an essay about something you hadn't really paid attention to. Well that's how I am feeling right now. I don't really know where to start because I think the main reason I haven't been doing so well is because I have got lazy. When this was going really well and I was making good progress I was planning my food every week, tracking my actual food every day, planning my exercise every week, tracking my exercise every day, thinking carefully about if I actually wanted/needed to eat x,y,z and thinking about why I was trying to lose weight. I have become complacent.
Oooh, hang on, something just went ping in my head. One reason why that has happened is because I have reached a point with my weight where I am at a lower point than I have been at any point over the last 12 years. That means I am at the same weight I was at when I was 21. I also know that I am a lot fitter than I was back then. When I think about where I have got to now my over-riding thought it one of "Well heck, I have done so well. I deserve a bit of a break from this".
I have also reached the point where my two sacks of too small clothes have shrunk to two pairs of trousers and a shirt. The stuff that fits me now is pretty much it when it comes to clothes I own fitting well. Some of it is already starting to feel too big. That scares me. I know it sounds ridiculous but once those things are too big I have to make do for a while. We can't afford for me to be buying more clothes right now. So if I get smaller then I have to be smaller in baggy clothes. Now that shouldn't bother me but at the moment things fit nicely, I don't look too bad and it's not like I am the type of person that is too bothered about how I look. At least that's what I thought. Over the last few weeks I have begun to quite like what I see in the mirror. I have realised that for pretty much the past 10 years I have worn clothes that I consider don't make me noticeable. I hate standing out at the best of times. Standing out when I was very overweight really didn't appeal. It wasn't a conscious thing I just had a wardrobe full of generic jeans and tops. Feeling happier with me has meant that my wardrobe has a little more colour. I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!
In some ways I don't feel like anything has changed. My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago. If I need to convert my weight from stones and pounds to pounds then I always find myself first of all multiplying 12 by 14. Then I have to start again because I am not 12 stone anything. I am 11 stone something. That seems pretty stupid to me because I am actually only a few pounds away from being 10 stone something and I can't even get my head round 11 something. If my head is still stuck in the 12's then no wonder I am struggling to get stuck into the eating ways of my new life.
Here is a big one. I am scared. I am scared that something is going to come along and change it all back. What if I get injured and can't exercise, what if I wake up one morning and have suddenly gained back all 20lbs, what if I can't do it. I will have seen and felt what it is like to weigh a lot less than I used to and know the pain and misery of not succeeding. That scares the crap out of me. I think part of my head thinks it would be safer to just go back to that safe little cocoon I had and just be the quiet, fat girl sitting quietly in the corner.
I am worried about what to do when I get there. So when I get to that healthy weight where I am also happy with the way I look. What do I do? Will it be a constant battle to stick at it? Will I end up only being able to maintain it if I eat next to nothing? I don't like the idea of that. Not one little bit. To me that screams not healthy.
The exercise is the one thing that has stuck with me. I don't find it a struggle (mentally) to do it. I actually enjoy it.
So there we go. That is some of the stuff that has spewed from my head because The Make-up Fairy made me do it. Now I will admit that I would never in an entire lifetime come across her blog if it wasn't for the fact that she is working on losing weight as well. Make up for me is something that I wear once in a blue moon. She would be horrified that I still have make up kicking around some where from when I got married. That will be 10 years next year. That woman does things with make up that I can't even begin to imagine knowing how to do. In that respect we couldn't be more different. But that woman talks sense. She told me it was important to give thought to the whys. She was damn right. Looking at those things I have highlighted I feel like I can start working out how to deal with them. If you are less make-up challenged than me go and check out her blog. She is giving away some goodies right now so as well as coming away from her blog with useful advice you might well end up with some make up too.