How many times have I given up. Let me see...

I honestly couldn't count how many times. But I can remember some.

I wasn't really too aware of my weight in secondary school. I knew I wasn't skinny but I didn't think I was too bad. Then a cousin asked me how much I weighed. I must have been about 14 I think and the answer was 10 stone something. Her shocked face said a lot and I mumbled something about not really being worried as long as I never got to 11 stone something.

By the time I was at college (16 ish) I was about 11 stone. I didn't care.

By the time I was 20 I was still 11stone something. About 11stone 7lbs I think. I had been in a pretty crappy (sorry) relationship where I let myself be walked all over since I was 15. We also used to visit pizza hut. Weekly. Nuff said! I tried to lose some weight by cutting calories/fat to maximum of 1000kcals/20g fat and got to about 10 stone 7lbs. I finally had the courage to end the relationship and lost another 5lbs or so. It was the relief of being out of it.

I soon got together with my now husband (who I'd known since we were 13) and happiness and being comfortable saw me at 11 stone again by the time I was 21.

By the time I was 22 I was 11stone 7 lbs. This rose to 12 stone 7 lbs by the time I was 23 1/2. When we got married at 24 I was 12stone 2 lbs. A few times I would half heartedly cut back on my food. But the biggest problem was I would then binge. Out of control masses of sweets, crisps and chocolate. I managed to unravel the reasons and sort of got a hold of it.

A few weeks after getting married I was pregnant with DD. My best friend died when I was 8 weeks pregnant. Straight after giving birth I was 13stone 7 lbs. By the time DD was 7 months old I was 14 stone 7lbs. (No that isn't a typo, I really did gain a stone after giving birth). You know that noise of a needle going across a record (ok, you might not if you are any younger than me) it was like that. I managed to lose 2 stone over the next 2 1/2 years and then got pregnant again when I was 12stone 4 lbs. After DS was born when I was 29 I was 13 1/2 stone. There was no way I was gaining weight AFTER giving birth this time so I was able to stick at that for 18 months then lost 1stone 10 pounds. By the time I got to the beginning of this year I had regained 1 stone of that after my wonderful Granny died and I was in a haze of sadness for over a year. That was my needle/record moment again. I plodded for a while going up/down a few pounds then decided enough was enough.

Here we are now. Enough is enough. I have lost 7 lbs since then (almost 5 weeks ago). And I just worked out that 14 stone 7 lbs is 203 lbs. I never realised before now I had been that big. I know there are a lot of people who are working damn hard to lose from more than that but I am only 5 feet 1 1/2 inches. I don't have ANY photos from that time but from pictures I have looked at where I was a good 1 stone (14 pounds) less than that I must have looked absurd!

So no, I can't remember how many times I have given up. I can remember vividly, it would seem, how much I weighed at various points in my life. I'm not letting that happen any more. If we have more children I don't want to look back and think 'oh yes, I weighed x then'. When we move house I don't want to be able to look back and connect it with a number on the scales. I want those kind of things to be separate. I am going to reach a point where I know that I feel good and I am a healthy weight. I know that I won't ever be able to drop it from my mind completely. I will always need those scales to keep an eye on it and I will always need to be aware of what I am putting in my mouth. But I am going to reach the point where I rule it and not the other way around.