I made a comment on a blog I have started reading a few days ago because I could really relate to what the blogger was saying. I ended with the words "Onwards and upwards! (or should that be inwards (on the tape) and downwards (on the scales)?!". She then went on to write a post about how that morning she had seen a number on the scales that keeps coming back to taunt her that had started off by being prompted by my words. Aw shucks.
I hate those numbers that keep going and then coming back again. Mine has always been 12st 2lbs (or 170lbs) which is which is 2 1/2lbs less than I am at right now. Last time I got below it I promised myself I would never see it again. So much for that promise. I lost one of the most important people in my life not long after that and for a whole year/18 months I couldn't think of much else than how sad I was they were gone. One day I realised that they had been so happy for me and so proud of me for getting healthier and because I had let it slide it was like I was letting them down. The guilt I felt with that realisation was pretty full on. For a long time after that I managed to avoid gaining anything but didn't get any lower. I think I needed to process everything that went with that before I could take the next step.
I finally feel in a place where I can tackle the way I eat and live and am working on it. I am trying to keep that special person in the front of my mind and remind myself of the day they told me how pleased they were that I was managing to do something they never had in their 82 years of life. It was genuine and from the heart. For now I am doing it as much for them as I am for myself and my children. I am working on making myself the main reason because I know that once I can make myself the focus of it I will have reached the place in my mind that I need to be at for it to work forever.