About Me

I am a 33 year old mum of two who has spent her entire teenage and adult life struggling with her weight. I am not going to struggle with it anymore. I am in charge!

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Changing the patterns of the past

I have been giving a lot of thought to something I have found happening in the past when I have tried to lose weight. As soon as I have reached the point where people start to notice I stall and then fall back into old ways. I think on some level it makes me feel uncomfortable. I am trying to figure out why.

I think part of it is that I don't like the attention. Hence the fact that this blog is so anonymous. I like the fact that I can type out my thoughts, hopefully someone, somewhere is reading what I have to say. It kind of makes me feel that I have said it all without having to bare my soul to people who I am going to see again.

Another part of it, I think, is because I have not been a normal weight since before my teens. This wobbly body kind of feels comfortable in a way. A bit like a security blanket. No matter what else has happened it's always been there.

I need to figure out new ways to feel that security. I have an amazing husband and wonderful children but I need something in me that gives me that feeling of comfort. Christine over at A deliberate life says it really well in this post. It's a great starting point for me to work on it. This woman is truly an inspiration with her achievements and her words. She is giving me much to think about. Hers is one of a few of the blogs of I have been reading over the last couple of weeks. It is up there at the top of the list of words of wisdom.

I don't want to repeat the pattern of lose just enough for it to show and then re-gain it. That isn't the kind of security blanket I want anymore.

In fact writing this post has just given me an idea. I enjoy knitting. I am thinking for every pound I lose I am going to knit a square. The person I talked about losing in an earlier post was my Granny. She was an amazing woman and amongst the countless things she taught me was to knit. I am going to use that to knit me a new security blanket.

Maybe I have just solved my own problem and given myself another focus to add to the list. I'd best get started I think. I already have 4 squares to knit. :oD


  1. I love this idea. Thank you for you nice words. Any wisdom I have gained has been through multiple mistakes. lol. I hope you will post pictures of your squares as you go. Your granny would be proud.

  2. I will definitely be posting pictures of the blanket in progress. I have started the first square with some nice wool I bought about 6 years ago with no purpose in mind. It was a 'I'd love to make something with that purchase'. A friend has de-stashed some of her wool recently and I am buying some of that from her too (at the time for the same reason!) so it looks as though that already has a purpose.

  3. Thanks for responding to my comment over at Chris's site and directing me back here. Every once in a while I have time to go back and recheck comments and I'm glad I did.
    This is an interesting way to deal with this issue. I'm not sure it would have worked for me because I don't think it was a 'security blanket' for me. But I do see that it is that for so many, so this idea could benefit a lot of people. For me, I honestly thought that if I tried to lose the 50 I needed to (and finally did) I would end up gaining it all back and then some just like I watched my mother do for years. I think I just needed to see that I am not my mother and that putting yourself out there does not automatically equal failure. I was too afraid of failure to even try. I learned that you have to try to ever have a chance at success!

  4. Thank you for coming to check it out. I really do think that to a certain extent it is because it feels 'safe' for me to be the way I am. I have always been like this so changing it is a huge step into the unknown. I want a new kind of safe now though.