I have been giving a lot of thought to something I have found happening in the past when I have tried to lose weight. As soon as I have reached the point where people start to notice I stall and then fall back into old ways. I think on some level it makes me feel uncomfortable. I am trying to figure out why.
I think part of it is that I don't like the attention. Hence the fact that this blog is so anonymous. I like the fact that I can type out my thoughts, hopefully someone, somewhere is reading what I have to say. It kind of makes me feel that I have said it all without having to bare my soul to people who I am going to see again.
Another part of it, I think, is because I have not been a normal weight since before my teens. This wobbly body kind of feels comfortable in a way. A bit like a security blanket. No matter what else has happened it's always been there.
I need to figure out new ways to feel that security. I have an amazing husband and wonderful children but I need something in me that gives me that feeling of comfort. Christine over at A deliberate life says it really well in this post. It's a great starting point for me to work on it. This woman is truly an inspiration with her achievements and her words. She is giving me much to think about. Hers is one of a few of the blogs of I have been reading over the last couple of weeks. It is up there at the top of the list of words of wisdom.
I don't want to repeat the pattern of lose just enough for it to show and then re-gain it. That isn't the kind of security blanket I want anymore.
In fact writing this post has just given me an idea. I enjoy knitting. I am thinking for every pound I lose I am going to knit a square. The person I talked about losing in an earlier post was my Granny. She was an amazing woman and amongst the countless things she taught me was to knit. I am going to use that to knit me a new security blanket.
Maybe I have just solved my own problem and given myself another focus to add to the list. I'd best get started I think. I already have 4 squares to knit. :oD