About Me

I am a 33 year old mum of two who has spent her entire teenage and adult life struggling with her weight. I am not going to struggle with it anymore. I am in charge!

Saturday, 30 April 2011

How many times have I given up. Let me see...

I honestly couldn't count how many times. But I can remember some.

I wasn't really too aware of my weight in secondary school. I knew I wasn't skinny but I didn't think I was too bad. Then a cousin asked me how much I weighed. I must have been about 14 I think and the answer was 10 stone something. Her shocked face said a lot and I mumbled something about not really being worried as long as I never got to 11 stone something.

By the time I was at college (16 ish) I was about 11 stone. I didn't care.

By the time I was 20 I was still 11stone something. About 11stone 7lbs I think. I had been in a pretty crappy (sorry) relationship where I let myself be walked all over since I was 15. We also used to visit pizza hut. Weekly. Nuff said! I tried to lose some weight by cutting calories/fat to maximum of 1000kcals/20g fat and got to about 10 stone 7lbs. I finally had the courage to end the relationship and lost another 5lbs or so. It was the relief of being out of it.

I soon got together with my now husband (who I'd known since we were 13) and happiness and being comfortable saw me at 11 stone again by the time I was 21.

By the time I was 22 I was 11stone 7 lbs. This rose to 12 stone 7 lbs by the time I was 23 1/2. When we got married at 24 I was 12stone 2 lbs. A few times I would half heartedly cut back on my food. But the biggest problem was I would then binge. Out of control masses of sweets, crisps and chocolate. I managed to unravel the reasons and sort of got a hold of it.

A few weeks after getting married I was pregnant with DD. My best friend died when I was 8 weeks pregnant. Straight after giving birth I was 13stone 7 lbs. By the time DD was 7 months old I was 14 stone 7lbs. (No that isn't a typo, I really did gain a stone after giving birth). You know that noise of a needle going across a record (ok, you might not if you are any younger than me) it was like that. I managed to lose 2 stone over the next 2 1/2 years and then got pregnant again when I was 12stone 4 lbs. After DS was born when I was 29 I was 13 1/2 stone. There was no way I was gaining weight AFTER giving birth this time so I was able to stick at that for 18 months then lost 1stone 10 pounds. By the time I got to the beginning of this year I had regained 1 stone of that after my wonderful Granny died and I was in a haze of sadness for over a year. That was my needle/record moment again. I plodded for a while going up/down a few pounds then decided enough was enough.

Here we are now. Enough is enough. I have lost 7 lbs since then (almost 5 weeks ago). And I just worked out that 14 stone 7 lbs is 203 lbs. I never realised before now I had been that big. I know there are a lot of people who are working damn hard to lose from more than that but I am only 5 feet 1 1/2 inches. I don't have ANY photos from that time but from pictures I have looked at where I was a good 1 stone (14 pounds) less than that I must have looked absurd!

So no, I can't remember how many times I have given up. I can remember vividly, it would seem, how much I weighed at various points in my life. I'm not letting that happen any more. If we have more children I don't want to look back and think 'oh yes, I weighed x then'. When we move house I don't want to be able to look back and connect it with a number on the scales. I want those kind of things to be separate. I am going to reach a point where I know that I feel good and I am a healthy weight. I know that I won't ever be able to drop it from my mind completely. I will always need those scales to keep an eye on it and I will always need to be aware of what I am putting in my mouth. But I am going to reach the point where I rule it and not the other way around.

30 day shred just made me cry

Not because it hurt (although it did a bit), not because it was hard (although it was, a lot!) but because I got to the end of level 3 and just blubbed. I think it was a combination of not being able to quite believe I had done level 3 and the fact that I feel a bit guilty for having wasted so many years of my life.

I like that my body is changing. I like that clothes I used to wear because that is all that would fit are now big enough to look a bit ridiculous. I like that I can feel my muscles getting tighter. I like that clothes that I was squeezing into a few weeks ago are now fitting really nicely (and in some cases are verging on being too big).

I don't like that I have spent so many years, my whole adult life, letting myself be the way I am working so hard to get away from. I can't change the past though so wiping my tears and snotty nose on one hand and mopping my sweaty brow with the other (I have standards ;op) I am making a promise that this time I am sticking with it. I AM getting there this time. I AM NOT going back.

My husband started to comment last night on the fact that there is a lot less of me than there was a few weeks ago. He stopped himself and felt really guilty. He loves me no matter what and strangely enough thinks I am sexy regardless of how I look. It took a lot to convince him that he doesn't have to not appreciate the changes. He knows, better than anyone, how many times I have started trying to make changes to my body/self/way of eating/exercising. He also knows better than anyone how many times I have given up on it. I think he was worried about the effect it would have on me if he said how good I look and then a few weeks down the line I end up back where I was. How bad is that. This most wonderful man feels that if he says something good that it is going to make me feel bad if I don't succeed. Another reason to stick with it I think.

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Bloggest Loser Weight Journey Award - I'm not worthy (a la Wayne's world stylee!).

Hyla over at bloggest loser commented on my weigh in post this week to let me know she had deemed me worthy of the award. Aw shucks, I'd like to thank.... Nah, I'm not one for gushing but seriously I am quite chuffed. Thank you Hyla.

Anyway as part of it I have to tell you the following stuff so here goes...

Name 3 things you have found the hardest on your journey.
1) Making myself get started with exercise. It doesn't come easily to me.
2) Knowing what to do with myself on those days when I just want to eat junk.
3) Dealing with the realisation that I have not been successful in the past because I was scared.

Name 5 things you have enjoyed about your journey.
1) Discovering the blogs of some amazing people, at all parts of the journey.
2) The wonderful comments and support I have got so far.
3) Being able to see my changing shape.
4) My clothes starting to fit nicely.
5) Shh, the exercise, I am starting to enjoy it.

Pass the award on!
I am going to pass it on to Candy over here. I love her honesty and determination.

Hyla created this award to acknowledge the hard work we have been doing and to congratulate all of the scale and non scale victories!  Pass this onto your fellow bloggers who are working hard, everyone deserves to be recognized for their hard work!
Post the award and a link to the blogger you received it from.
Name 3 things you have found the hardest on your journey.
Name 5 things you have enjoyed about your journey.
Pass the award on!
Notify the bloggers you have given the award to!


Wednesday, 27 April 2011

A quiet few days

On my blog at least. With the Easter bank holiday being closely followed by Royal wedding hype in the UK we have a double dose of bank holidays. My husband is one of the lucky ones who was quick enough off the mark to book the three days in between off work giving him an 11 day break from work. And me and the children 11 days of uninterrupted time with the most wonderful man we know. (Almost, he is using the time off to be able to fit in lots of triathlon training!).

Never fear though, I am still shredding everyday, 19 straight days now. I am giving myself a pat on the back there. I am also still eating well and checking out some of the blogs I have come across that I really like. I have been using my fitness pal to log my food and exercise too. I dread to think what it would have shown up if I had logged my old way of eating!

DH has just done level 2 of the shred with me and for a die hard exercise nut he is quite impressed and actually broke a sweat. Oh and did I mention I am more flexible than he is. No, well I am. I can touch my toes and he can't. I can't however cycle non stop for 3 hours but I am more flexible than him.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Friend Making Monday - 4/25/11

If you've taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you're new, please take a moment to answer this week's question on your own blog then add a link at the bottom of this post so we can all see your post. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Be sure to head back to Kenz's blog - All The Weigh and check out the rest!

FMM: Today I....
Today I felt...happy and relaxed.
Today I saw....my children almost fall over laughing at a fast forwarded exercise DVD. I was checking out what is in Level 3 of 30 day shred.
Today I ate...fantastic home made pizza courtesy of my husband.
Today I kissed...my husband and my children. My husband is off work for the Easter/royal wedding break. Spending so much time with him is a rare and wonderful treat.

Today I bought...a new shower. Such excitement. :oD

Today I heard...my children giggling so hard they nearly cried (see 'I saw...' above!).

Today I lost... more body fat and more inches and more weight. I was a bit disheartened with 1/2lb loss but have looked at it combined with the fat/inches and am pleased.

Today I decided...that I'm sticking with my plan and no matter how slow it is I am going to get healthy.

Today I need...to get started on home ed plans for the coming months.

Today I wish...that we will realise our ultimate dream of moving to be nearer my family. Patience is the key, it will happen when the time is right.

If you participate, please put your link in a comment!  I'd love to see everyone else's answers!

Weigh in - Has it been a month already?!

No really, I can't believe it is already a month that I have been being new me. Trust TOM to come along now and throw a spanner in the works of my motivation and loss! It's not that I haven't lost it's just that I was hoping for a little more this week. The number on the scales isn't my main reason for doing this but after so many attempts to lose weight in the past it is difficult to let go of that as being the important marker. Well here is where I am this week;

Weight - 12st 2lbs - A loss of 1/2lb since last week making 6 1/2lbs loss total.
Body fat - 38% - Another 1% down making 2% loss total.
Another 1in lost over chest, waist and hips making 4in lost in total.

Now for talking some sense into myself.

Only losing 1/2lb isn't so bad really seeing as TOM is here for a visit.
Losing another 1% from body fat is marvellous. Probably even more important than losing weight is getting that number lower.
The inch loss is really good too. For the only time I have been combining regular exercise with healthier eating and it is clearly working.

As it has been a month I have also measured bicep, thigh and calf. I have only measured on the left side for these. I have to say, Jillian Michaels has certainly come up with an effective workout in 30 day shred. I have been doing that for just over 2 weeks now.

Left bicep - 12 7/8in - loss of 3/8in.
Left thigh - 23 7/8in - loss of 1in. I am particularly chuffed with this.
Left calf - 15 3/8in - loss of 3/8in.

As I say I am really pleased with the loss from my thighs. My legs are the part of my body that I really don't like. They are short and stumpy. I can't do anything about the length ,short of medieval stretching instruments (and I'm not that desperate) but I can make them smaller. I live in jeans. In the last 10 years I have worn a dress twice, my wedding day and my brothers wedding day. I don't do skirts and dresses but maybe, just maybe by the time Jillian has finished with me I might feel more comfortable about doing so.

The motivation side of things is a little lacking. I am having to try really hard to remind myself why I am making the changes I have and to stick with it. It's very up and down at the moment. I don't know if it is because of TOM or if it's something else. I am going to stick with this though. Like I say in my about me box 'I am in charge', hormones aren't going to derail me. I really want to see the back of 12st anything. It doesn't suit me! :oD

Sunday, 24 April 2011

4 weeks ago tomorrow....

... I started this blog and the beginning of my journey to, once and for all, losing weight and getting healthy. Starting this blog has been so helpful. I have been able to 'talk' through things which have been on my mind that might otherwise have had me give up. I have had somewhere to put down my plans for dealing with struggles that I can go back to again if I need to remind myself. I have found solutions to problems while I have typed. I have been keeping a record of my progress blanket and exercise. I have read blogs of some amazing people who. Some at the start of a similar journey, some part way through and some who are 'at the end' but living the way they have learnt works best for them.

  I am not following anyone else's diet plan. I am doing what works for me. It is slow. But I feel so much better than I did 4 weeks ago. 4 weeks ago I was feeling a bit despondent. All I could see was that I have begun this journey so many times before. This time I am not following anyone else's map. I have my own route to where I want to be. It's maybe got a few detours on it but I am going to get to where I want to be this time. This time I know I can do it. Before I have always set myself long term goals. This is bad for me. When I did that I would always end up thinking 'well, it's ages away so a bit less effort this week won't matter'. Then get to that date I had originally planned to reach xxx pounds by and think 'oh well, never mind. I obviously just can't do this'. So short term goals this time with a long term aim. Short term goals being a weekly weight loss goal, long term aim being get healthy.

 If you are reading this, have commented on posts I have written or have a blog that I have come across in the last month then thank you. I'm doing this but I find immense support in all those things.

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Life is full of suprises

I was going to come here today and moan, whinge and whine blog about how 30 day shred was so unbelievable horrible yesterday. It was. The weather was hot, I was really tired and I had a horrible headache that I just couldn't shift. But I still shredded.

When I started I had thought that the headache was under control and had gone into hiding after being beaten with paracetamol. Oh no. As soon as I started there it was. I had to take some of the stuff easy and had to adapt a couple of the more bouncy bits because my head just couldn't take it. But I saw it through to the end. I had a ready made and fully justifiable get out clause right there tormenting me the whole way through but I carried on. Can you tell I am more than a bit proud of myself. So there is surprise number 1. I could have skipped a day, free from guilt but I didn't.

Surprise number two has just cropped up. I just shredded for today and it was the best one yet. I felt really comfortable doing it. Yes I am typing this with sweat running down my face and my work out clothes REALLY need to go in the wash (Sorry!) but I did it, I kept up and at least half of it is at the harder end of the options.

Oh and did I mention I have shredded every single day for 15 days now. That is definitely surprise number 3! I can see the difference and I can sure as heck feel the difference. I am no where near ready to move on to level 3 yet but I don't care. I am enjoying it and it is working. Jillian Michaels may be completely insane and a bit of a sadist (disclaimer: this may be an exaggeration!). but she sure knows how to design an effective workout!

Now I am off for a cool drink and shower. Enjoy your day.

Friday, 22 April 2011

Into the jaws of temptation but this time with a plan. Mwa ha ha ha haaaah.

It is impossible to miss that Easter is coming up! All the shops are crammed with chocolate eggs, bunnies, chicks etc. Now for me Easter is about chocolate. I'm afraid that I am one of those people who does the Easter egg thing and the Christmas present thing but who doesn't do it because of the religious reasons. I don't mean for that to offend anyone reading for whom it is firmly connected to their Christian beliefs. It's just that I am not religious, I make no apologies for this. I am a good person, I have been told I'd make a good Christian too. It amuses and bemuses one of my loveliest friends (who is a devout Christian) that I live the way I do and am the way I am but don't have the belief she does. Anyway, that isn't what this post was about, just got a bit carried away in explanation there!

Anyway, because Easter for me is about chocolate that means I am setting myself up for quite a challenge come Sunday. I know that I will be receiving plenty of it and I don't want to get it and then have scoffed it all within a week (okay it is often less than that, if I am honest). Now I am trying hard not to be strict on myself but I know that if I don't make a plan for this then I will just go mad and nibble a bit here and a bit there and lose track of how much is gone. Before I know it I'll have nibbled back the 6 pounds I have got rid of.

So here is the plan. Whatever chocolate I get I am going to limit myself to 25  grams of it a day. I am going to weigh that out every day and put it in a separate tub.

This is going to be strange for me. My step-dad is one of those people who can have a couple of pieces of chocolate and leave it there. My Mum is one of those people who can easily eat their way through the biggest bar going (she doesn't have any weight issues though).

I am going to enjoy any chocolate that comes my way but I am going to go for actually enjoying it rather than having it barely touch the sides on the way down.

Now the other problem I am going to have is the children's chocolate. Every year before now I have 'helped' them with their chocolate. When I say 'helped' I mean that I have dipped into their chocolate repeatedly. So this year I am going to have to be strict on myself. I blame my child hood days. It was a source of amusement that if my brother and I had chocolate I would finish mine and then tell/persuade him that he had to share his because I didn't have any left. So her is my pledge. I am NOT going to steal, take, borrow or sneak any of my children's chocolate. I am going to impose a penalty on myself that if I do then I have to give them back double the amount from my own chocolate. If they offer me some and I accept then I have to take that out of my 25g per day.

So there is my Easter survival plan. I am going to eat chocolate, I am going to enjoy it and I am not going to ruin what I am working for.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

A far better day than I expected.

I was glad when I got up this morning that I had got everything ready for my breakfast. I didn't have the same feelings about just giving up as I did last night. But when I was getting things ready last night I discovered that we didn't have the things I had originally planned to have. Because I was sorting it out though I was able to make a sensible replacement choice. That might not have been so easy if I had left it till this morning.

I have been having some lower calf aching because of 30 day shred and yesterday it was particularly uncomfortable after working out. I had decided that today I would either skip a day or go a little easier on the cardio parts that were having the most impact. By 2.30pm I had decided that I didn't want to skip a day so worked out and replaced the oblique twists with squat punches. I am quite proud of myself for making that choice.

So after a day that gave me cause for concern yesterday I have worked through that, avoided the slip up and carried straight on with my plan for a healthier me. It is fair to say that I am pretty chuffed with myself.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Struggling a bit

I am feeling a bit of wavering in my motivation to do this. I know all the reasons why I want to do it. But I am tired and I have been fighting off thoughts this evening of just a little chocolate/cake/biscuits.

I think TOM is on it's way (but can't be sure because it's never very predictable). I am going to try to see off the thoughts of not sticking with it by knitting. I am hungry too but am worried that if I eat something I am going to end up going overboard. My plan for the rest of the evening is a banana, knitting and watching some online TV then bed.

I hope to wake up in the morning and find it's just a blip. Just in case I am going to prepare everything I need to for breakfast in the morning so that I can come down and just make and eat it. I don't need any temptation to ruin what I have achieved so far and set myself back on what I want to achieve.

Friend making Monday (and it's even on Monday this week!)

Friend Making Monday - 4/18/11

If you've taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you're new, please take a moment to answer this week's question on your own blog then add a link at the bottom of this post so we can all see your post. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Be sure to head back to Kenz's blog - All The Weigh and check out the rest!

FMM: The Grocery Store

1. Do you make a list when you go grocery shopping? Do you stick to it? Yes. I used to just go and pick whatever I fancied. Now I plan meals for the whole week based around the veg box we will be getting that week and do an online shop.
2. Do you buy more groceries when you're hungry?   Groceries, no. Chocolate, Yes. One thing I love about the online shopping is that I can shop and forget about it. It takes the impulse buying away.
3. Coupons. Use 'em?  When I do go to the shops yes.
4. Have you ever complained to the manager of your grocery store?  Yes, but not about the food. I got an unfair parking ticket. :oD

5. Do you like to buy groceries at huge chain stores like Wal-Mart and Target? Or do you shop exclusively at food stores?  Our food shopping comes from lots of places now. Organic fruit and veg delivery company, online supermarket delivery, wholesale food co-op and occasional top ups from supermarkets.
6. How much time do you spend reading labels in the grocery store?  Quite a bit. My son has allergies which mean I need to know what is in the food.
7. Do you push your own grocery cart to the car and return it? When I do go to the supermarket yes I do.
8. What is the one food item you always buy at the grocery store that you must have in the kitchen? Fruit, it is consumed like it is going out of fashion in this house.

9. Do you enjoy grocery shopping? If I get the chance to go without the children then yes. Another plus to the online shopping is I don't have to suffer the torture of dragging them round the shop and neither do they.
If you participate, please put your link in a comment!  I'd love to see everyone else's answers!

Weigh in number 3

Here is where my 3rd week has got me.

12st 2 1/2lbs - that is a 1 1/2lb loss this week and 6lbs total.
another 3/4 in lost over my chest, waist and hips which is 3in total (an inch from each).

I am happy with that. Next week I am aiming for a 1 1/2lb loss. As well as the weight/measurement success I am also really pleased that I have done 9 straight days of 30 day shred workout managing to move up to level 2 yesterday. My husband also noticed there is less of me yesterday. As I have said before I have an issue with people noticing but I am going to channel that into the two new blanket squares I need to knit now (and probably come here and blog if I feel the need to comfort eat).

Sunday, 17 April 2011

30 day shred - Level 2

I just did level 2. That is all.

The list of excuses is long

Actually, scrap that make it 'The list of excuses WAS long'. I am not going to make excuses anymore. I am seeing them for what they were. So the excuses I have used in the past are, in no particular order, drum roll please.....

But I like and enjoy food so much - Yes OK, so food is great. It can taste delicious. But eating as much as I was my enjoyment of it was starting to shrink rapidly. I had started to notice I was eating things at the same time as thinking "eating this is just adding to my growing weight". That led to me feeling bad afterwards. There wasn't much liking or enjoying going on anymore.

But I have PCOS, it's harder to lose weight when you have PCOS - Now that may be true but harder doesn't mean impossible. It just means it takes a bit more effort on my part. And PCOS symptoms get worse the more extra weight you carry. So carry on as I was and the things I really dislike about the symptoms I experience are just going to get worse and then I get more miserable.

But I have tried so many times before and it doesn't work - As I am starting to realise some of the things I have tried before just didn't work for me. If I go really strict on myself I feel deprived as I've said in previous posts. So yes I could lose weight faster in the short term if I went on a really strict diet. But when I start to feel deprived I sneak extras in and before I know it I am right back where I started (or worse).

But I don't like diet food - Now I do fall into the camp of believing that 'proper' versions of food are far better for you than low fat adaptations. That means that I don't buy low fat spread, low fat cheese, semi skimmed milk, low fat yogurts etc. What never computed in my head before was that just because I only do 'full fat' doesn't mean that I have to eat so much of them.

But I hate exercise - This is true. I don't particularly enjoy it. In equal measures that is because it's hard and I feel very self conscious doing it. Hard, I am realising, because I never do it. Self conscious because I don't look like the sort of person who should be doing it. That is in part because I have an image coloured by having a Daddy who has forever been a runner, in fact he is doing the London marathon today and a husband who competes in triathlons and the like.So the people they are often around are whippet thin and live for activity. Now the hard part isn't going to get any easier unless I start doing it. And the self conscious part ... well I guess I just have to get over myself. I am starting in my living room but I aim to build up to being able to go out running. I enjoyed that at school.

But I don't want my children to be aware of me dieting - I hate that 'thin is beautiful' is so out there as a message. I hate that children are being fed the message that there is Good food and Bad food. Not in my house there isn't. But how on Earth does it then make sense for me to stay fat, wobbly and unhealthy?! That message is no better. Now we don't do vacuous TV programmes, we have no TV so we don't watch that stuff. They don't go to school so the lessons they learn about healthy eating are from us and their friends. Oldest child is strongly of the opinion that all food is fine as long as you eat lots of different foods. (Not sure how I have managed to instill that in her without listening to myself for so long!!!!).

So there are a long list of BUTS. And they have all led to me having a much bigger BUTT than I would like. I am kicking the whole lot out. No more excuses. No more trying to make myself do something that doesn't work for me. No more hoping that I am going to wake up one morning looking the way I would like. It just isn't going to happen. What is going to happen is this....

I am going to enjoy food. I am not going to eat so much of it that I feel rubbish either emotionally or physically.
I am going to work with the PCOS. I don't like the extra hair, the haywire periods and the random spots. I might be able to reduce those things with being more sensible about my food. It might not make any difference. But I will have tried and I sure as heck won't find out without doing that!
I am going to do what works for me. I am not going to follow someone else's diet plan.
I am going to eat real food. I don't have to smother dessert in cream to enjoy it. If I have cheese I don't have to eat a whole block of it. It isn't going to suddenly get taken off the market! I don't have to have thick layers of butter on toast/sandwiches. Who knows I might even be able to taste the rest of my meal.
I am going to find exercise that works for me. Right now that is 30 day shred in the privacy of my own living room. There are swimming pools nearby and I love swimming.  As soon as I am brave enough I am going to start going. And I will start going running. I'm not setting myself a deadline on that right now. I need to figure out how to make that work for me.
I am going to set my children a good example. The healthy example of how to eat that I think children should see. Not the lessons their friends get in schools or the rubbish way of scoffing everything I could get my hands on. Neither extreme is good.
I am going to make this work for me. I am going to be happy that I am doing my very best to be healthy.

Sorry about the colours by the way. I am always telling my daughter when she gets upset at making mistakes in her work to take those mistakes (rain) add a bit of sunshine (her) and make a rainbow (the right answer). I make no apologies for having a Cinderella outlook on life. :oD

Friday, 15 April 2011

Exercise every day. Me?! Nah.

Um, well actually yes. But if you'd said that to me at, ooh, say any time in the past, ever, then I would have assumed you were joking. OK so in part it's because I have felt good about being able to come here and update my side bar everyday to say I've done it. Partly also because a friend of mine started doing the 30 day shred DVD the same day as me (we didn't know). But also, and shh don't tell my husband, I'm actually enjoying it a little bit. I say don't tell my husband because he is the most active person I know and loves exercise. If he doesn't get out cycling, swimming or running at least once a day (and the 6 miles journey to work and back doesn't count) then he starts to go a bit insane. I still find it a little strange and I have known him for 21 years and been living with him for 12 of those.

Everyday for the past 7 days I have done the level 1 workout on the 30 day shred DVD. It is certainly already having an effect on how easily I can manage it and I do feel like things are toning up a bit.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

No amount of planning helps sometimes.

I am going to have to come up with a plan for when the planning doesn't work out. Today has been one of those days when all my careful planning has gone completely out of the window because one thing at the beginning of the day over ran and the rest of the day has been completely rushed because of it. It meant having to grab lunch on the run and because the activities we had to attend for the rest of the day had lots of temptation, in the form of Easter cakes and chocolates, I have spent much of the afternoon picking at those. It's amazing how all those little pickings add up.

I had prepared for the day as it was supposed to happen. Appointment, come home have lunch, prepare to go out, take a piece of fruit to the group we were heading out to, come home, eat tea. Unfortunately the appointment was much longer than planned which meant 'have lunch' became rush lunch with the quickest thing I could manage. That wasn't too bad. A cheese salad sandwich with plenty of salad. We were then in such a rush getting everything ready and going back out that I found it impossible to overcome the temptation. If things had gone to plan I was going to be nicely full and satisfied so wouldn't want the goodies.

So what do you do when your day goes haywire and your plans come undone? I can plan for rushing around if I know that is what is going to happen. It's days like today that are tricky. All advice, tips and tricks gratefully received!

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

30 day shred

I really didn't want to do it today. But I did. (kind of glad because I am definitely finding it a little easier). That is all I wanted to say.

Free ice-cream versus Me

Our night out last night coincided with Ben and Jerry's free cone day. The cinema we went to has one of their stands. I love a good freebie and am a big ice-cream fan. Combine the two and well...... But I didn't have any. For me that is worth repeating, I didn't have ANY! I looked at the times and saw that the give-away period coincided with when we were going to see a film. I thought about all the flavours I really like. And then, with no battle in my head at all, decided that as I had been so careful to plan round our meal out it would be silly to undo all that by eating ice-cream just because it was free.

This was huge for me. Not only the fact that I by-passed the free ice-cream but the fact that there was actually rational thought behind it. And rational thought that didn't involve me having to force myself into not eating something. It's almost like someone has re-programmed my head.

When we got to the restaurant for dinner they were out of stuffed crust base. We had the garlic stuffed crust instead. I wasn't that taken on it so ended up eating a lot less than I would if the base we normally go for had been there. I also discovered that the cookie dough dessert now comes in single servings. It was always a share one when we went before. If we got the share one then I would always end up eating far more of it than my husband. He doesn't have as much of a sweet tooth as I do. OK so dinner wasn't as good as I could have chosen from their up-dated menu but it wasn't as bad as I had planned around either.

I have started today feeling really positive about being able to make a good choice when it came to the ice-cream. I also really feel that I have made some good progress with having a one off diversion from sticking to healthier choices and not going off track. A friend of mine was a nutritionist in a former life and she is a strong advocate of eat 'good' 80% of the time and eat whatever you would like the other 20%. In the past I have never got that. I always thought that it has to be either all 'good' or it goes to pot. I think I understand a bit better now. If I eat all 'good' then I feel deprived and it goes to pot any way. I can see myself being able to make that 80/20 thing work for me. At first I thought 'but if I do that it will take me longer to reach my goals'. Actually thinking about it though I think, long-term, the opposite is true. If I went for 100% of the time my deprived mind set would soon knock me so far off track I would fail and head straight back to the first step. The way I planned round the party at the weekend and going out last night feels right.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Friend Making Monday! (On Tuesday because of that pesky time difference).

Spotted on adiosfatgirl

If you've taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you're new, please take a moment to answer this week's question on your own blog then add a link at the bottom of this post so we can all see your post. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Be sure to head back to Kenz's blog - All The Weigh and check out the rest!

FMM: Everyday Things

1) What is your favorite part of an average day?  The time the day when I know that I have done all of the 'need to' and 'must have done' for the day. My children are home educated so there is a lot of to-ing and fro-ing to things on top of looking after the house and myself. (3 weeks ago 'myself' wouldn't have featured in that).
2) Is there one food that you eat every single day?  Not anymore. If you'd asked me before I would have said chocolate. But I am proving to myself that I don't need it every day.
3) Are you an early bird, or do you prefer to sleep in late? I used to like to sleep in late if I wasn't at work, now though I quite like that part of the day when my husband has left for work and the children aren't up yet. It is peaceful and still.
4) Share one thing that you're looking forward to doing this week. Going out for an evening with my husband. I can't remember the last time we went out.
5) What's for dinner this evening? Oh, today is a bad day to ask. Because we are going out I am going to be eating Pizza. But something I have never done before is consider that when I decide what to eat for the meals before and after.
If you participate, please put your link in a comment!  I'd love to see your answers!

Testing myself

I get a rare night out with my husband tonight. It doesn't happen very often so when it does it feels like a huge treat. Like a lot of couples we used to go out on a weekly basis before we had children. Now we are lucky if it happens more than a handful of times a year. So my Mother-in-law has been drafted in to babysit and we will be heading out for dinner and a film.

The film part of it will be easy enough. I am going to have a snack just before we leave and bypass the chocolate (my usual choice) for during the film. This is progress because normally I would see sitting in the dark watching a film as an opportunity for a Ben and Jerry's core sundae or a big bag of chocolate buttons (which would not see the end of the film).

The dinner part leaves us with not many options and isn't planned best. We will be eating late which is something I am trying not to do anymore. We will also be heading for Pizza hut which is just not somewhere I find the words "I'll just have..." come into my vocabulary. I feel bad about the fact that I don't really have any intention of going  for a sensible option for dinner. I have planned round it which is as much as I feel I can do right now. I haven't eaten anything other than a stuffed crust pizza there for well, since they started selling them! And since they introduced the cookie dough dessert, well, probably best not to even go there.

I have planned my food for the rest of the day and the next couple of days to minimise the damage, I am going to do 30 day shred DVD after lunch. I would normally do it in the evening, but it's either after lunch or not at all. The pizza I always have does have a ton of vegetables on it so it's not the worst option. But, really, there aren't any excuses. I think the biggest test is most likely to be tomorrow when I am going to have to make myself get right back in there.

I have never planned round things like this before when I have been attempting to take control of my weight and get to a healthier me. I have always thought, ah it's just a one off. Then forgotten to think carefully about the afterwards. Planning the afterwards for me is pretty big. I know I could plan to eat a lot differently when we are out but I also know that if I do that then what will happen is that I will feel deprived and will make up for it ten fold for the next few days with eating rubbish where ever I can get it. So I am testing my theory. I want to prove to myself that I can eat something as a one off and then carry straight on with my inward and downward goal. Before I have told myself it's a one off it has been a one off that has lasted days, weeks, months. I am going to make this a one off that lasts one meal.

Monday, 11 April 2011

Starting to exercise

Despite being Mum to two children who are 8 and 4 and wife to a very active man I really don't move much other than for housework. I don't get that my husband enjoys cycling and running for hours on end. My idea of fun isn't to train for triathlons and duathlons. My youngest child loves to move. Lots. He has the same sort of mind as his Daddy. He enjoys it. To the point that yesterday, having just learnt to ride a bike, he was heard saying "My legs are tired but I don't want to stop cycling". He doesn't walk when he could run. My oldest is much more sedate. At the moment she is a very healthy size but so was I at her age. She would sit and read all day if she could. Much like me when I was her age. I don't want her to follow the same path I did and get to 33 thinking "Why have I let this happen?".

Back in January I bought a copy of the 30 day shred DVD. I did it for about 2 weeks and then got ill. Then my children were ill, then they were away, then they came back and got ill, then I was ill and blah, blah, blah..... Yes I have lots of excuses about why I didn't pick it back up again. But it has been there in the back of my mind.

Last week it started not so much being in the back of my mind as tapping me on the shoulder and then jumping up and down in front of me waving it's arms saying "Look at me, look at me". A bit like a small child who has just noticed that you are deep in conversation with someone other than them. All the blogs I have read by people who are having the most success and making the biggest changes to their bodies mention exercise. I know it's not just about eating right. If I want to truly achieve the goals of being a healthy Mummy for my children and myself then I need to do more. Then I kept seeing mention of the DVD all over the place. And to top ot off three days ago one of my friends mentioned on her facebook page that she had just done a fantastic new DVD workout which was, yep you guessed it.

So that afternoon I got my copy out, I was going to wait till Monday but I thought, nope, just another excuse. DO IT NOW! So I did. I had forgotten the Bambi effect on the legs afterwards. But I did it. Then I did it again yesterday. I can't say I enjoyed it. I would be lying. I don't enjoy it. I have deep aches in my shoulders going round below my arms right now and the tops of my legs are aching plenty too. My abdomen appears to have some muscles in it somewhere which are letting me know they haven't packed their bags and left while I have been neglecting them. I am reliably informed this is good! Oh and I have just discovered that the front of my thighs ache. I am going to ignore the fact that one half of my head is asking why I am doing this to myself and listen to the other half that knows why.

Weigh in

I am two weeks in now. I have found the last week a little easier and the way I have been eating feels right. I could eat less than I am but I know that if I do then I will start to feel hard done by and sneak things in. I am ok with slow and steady wins the race at the moment.

Week 2 has me at;
12st 4lbs - that is only 1/2lb loss but it is still the right way.
another 3/4 in lost over my chest, waist and hips.
Body fat reduced from 40% to 39%.

That puts me at 4 1/2lbs lost and 2 1/4in lost in total. I am also measuring my upper arm, thigh and calf on one side but won't be checking those every week. I am not down about only losing 1/2lb. I was aiming for 12st 3lbs this week but to be quite honest I think, shhhh, I need to step up the fibre intake. A bit of an issue there.

So my goal for next week is 12st 3lbs, again I know but like I said, slow and steady.

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Changing the patterns of the past

I have been giving a lot of thought to something I have found happening in the past when I have tried to lose weight. As soon as I have reached the point where people start to notice I stall and then fall back into old ways. I think on some level it makes me feel uncomfortable. I am trying to figure out why.

I think part of it is that I don't like the attention. Hence the fact that this blog is so anonymous. I like the fact that I can type out my thoughts, hopefully someone, somewhere is reading what I have to say. It kind of makes me feel that I have said it all without having to bare my soul to people who I am going to see again.

Another part of it, I think, is because I have not been a normal weight since before my teens. This wobbly body kind of feels comfortable in a way. A bit like a security blanket. No matter what else has happened it's always been there.

I need to figure out new ways to feel that security. I have an amazing husband and wonderful children but I need something in me that gives me that feeling of comfort. Christine over at A deliberate life says it really well in this post. It's a great starting point for me to work on it. This woman is truly an inspiration with her achievements and her words. She is giving me much to think about. Hers is one of a few of the blogs of I have been reading over the last couple of weeks. It is up there at the top of the list of words of wisdom.

I don't want to repeat the pattern of lose just enough for it to show and then re-gain it. That isn't the kind of security blanket I want anymore.

In fact writing this post has just given me an idea. I enjoy knitting. I am thinking for every pound I lose I am going to knit a square. The person I talked about losing in an earlier post was my Granny. She was an amazing woman and amongst the countless things she taught me was to knit. I am going to use that to knit me a new security blanket.

Maybe I have just solved my own problem and given myself another focus to add to the list. I'd best get started I think. I already have 4 squares to knit. :oD

Friday, 8 April 2011

When life throws obstacles at you.

So I know I have a children's party to go to this weekend. It is for a little one in a family of really good friends and I know that the food there is going to present me with challenges. I know what sort of food will be there and I know that it will be lots of home baked, cake-i-ness (!) and deliciously home cooked yumminess.

It happens to fall on the one day a week where I am cutting myself some slack so with a bit of forward planning I am working round it. The meals for the rest of that day and also for the days either side of it have been planned. I am working on the theory that in doing that I can make sure that the lead up to and the following days balance out anything that might be on offer at the party. All good.

Until..... My husband came home tonight and has decided that he is in the mood for beer/chocolate/both. Now for him this doesn't present a problem. 1) he is VERY active (we are talking cycles everyday, swims 2/3 times a week, does various athletic sporting events). 2) he has something I don't. Self control.

But..... When he asked if I wanted him to get me anything. I said no. That doesn't happen with me. I actually had a thought process which has never happened with me. It went something like this...

I know that the party will put food I am eating a lot less often in front of me.
I know that I will be eating some of it.
I have planned out before and after to balance that out.
I didn't want any chocolate earlier and if I decided to have some now it would be just because.
I would regret it afterwards.
I know I wouldn't adapt my plans for the party because I'd let myself off tonight.

So I still have the evening to get through. My husband will be having something that I would have joined in with before. But I feel like I can do that. And I will be able to stick with my plans for the party without feeling any guilt at it.

Maybe I do have some self control that is slowly being un-covered after all.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Yo-yo scales

I made a comment on a blog I have started reading a few days ago because I could really relate to what the blogger was saying. I ended with the words "Onwards and upwards! (or should that be inwards (on the tape) and downwards (on the scales)?!". She then went on to write a post about how that morning she had seen a number on the scales that keeps coming back to taunt her that had started off by being prompted by my words. Aw shucks.

I hate those numbers that keep going and then coming back again. Mine has always been 12st 2lbs (or 170lbs) which is which is 2 1/2lbs less than I am at right now. Last time I got below it I promised myself I would never see it again. So much for that promise. I lost one of the most important people in my life not long after that and for a whole year/18 months I couldn't think of much else than how sad I was they were gone. One day I realised that they had been so happy for me and so proud of me for getting healthier and because I had let it slide it was like I was letting them down. The guilt I felt with that realisation was pretty full on. For a long time after that I managed to avoid gaining anything but didn't get any lower. I think I needed to process everything that went with that before I could take the next step.

I finally feel in a place where I can tackle the way I eat and live and am working on it. I am trying to keep that special person in the front of my mind and remind myself of the day they told me how pleased they were that I was managing to do something they never had in their 82 years of life. It was genuine and from the heart. For now I am doing it as much for them as I am for myself and my children. I am working on making myself the main reason because I know that once I can make myself the focus of it I will have reached the place in my mind that I need to be at for it to work forever.

Monday, 4 April 2011

One week on.

So I weighed in proper for the first time this morning. I am pleased with how it has gone. It's not been easy all the time but there has been a lot more time when I thought "I can do this" than when I was thinking  "Can't do it, might as well give up!".

The first week has got me to
12st 4 1/2lbs. That means I have lost 4lbs this week.
1 1/2 inches lost over my chest, waist and hips.

I am happy with that and have set my goal for this week at 12st 3lbs. I don't want to set myself goals of more than 1 1/2lbs a week because I know that if I don't reach it I will feel down. What I have decided to do is set a goal of 1lb on weeks where my weight is a whole number and 1 1/2lbs on a half number. Sad I know, but simple things please simple minds. :oD

We have all been unwell for the past week with chesty coughs but when that is gone I am going to start doing the 30 day shred workout.