About Me

I am a 33 year old mum of two who has spent her entire teenage and adult life struggling with her weight. I am not going to struggle with it anymore. I am in charge!

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Taking the first steps

As I mentioned in my weigh in post this week my husband bought me some proper running shoes. This involved me pushing down every bit of self-consciousness that was screaming at me to stay at home and eat chocolate. I know from my husband and step-dads experiences of triathlons and marathons that the best way to make sure you get running shoes that work for you is to go to a shop, run on a treadmill and have someone who knows what they are doing assess your running style.

For me that assessment was more a case of
Shut head down.
Go to shop surrounded by husband and children (in order to send out the message that yes I may be an unfit mess but these people love me no matter what).
Sit and wait while staff deal with other customers (ignoring head screaming you don't belong here).
Explain to staff that you have just started trying to run and need some new trainers (while your head is saying if she laughs I am out of here).
Feel slightly more relaxed when she doesn't laugh but explains how they do the assessment.
Try on 'neutral' trainers and think 'wow, they feel really different'.
Run on treadmill (all the time thinking 'don't fall over'.
Discuss film (whilst thinking 'holy cow my calves are enormous').
Realise I have just run, with ease, on the treadmill.
Try on a couple of other pair of trainers, repeat running.
Choose neutral trainers because 'hey I might be fat and unfit but I have a neutral gait'.
Get to the till and almost faint when sales assistant says how much they are.
Bring trainers home and resist temptation to go out for a test walk/run because although the mind is tempted the legs are tired after the earlier 3.5 mile bike ride and 1000 metre swim.

So as you can see my experience was rather different from that of my husband and step dad.

Last night I christened my trainers. No I didn't dunk them in a font. I walked my daughter and her friend to Brownies then did 2 minutes walking, 1 minute running intervals home (via a longer route because I made more progress than I had expected).

So what was the difference. Well I didn't feel my heels slamming the floor with each step. I found running easier than I thought I was going to. I also learnt just how wrong my old trainers were. The support all round my foot was so different.

The shoes can't address my main problem when I am running which is being super aware of every single person within a visible radius. If I see someone coming the opposite way I find myself wishing that I pass them before my next running minute. Last night part of my route took me onto a playing field there were other people on the field. They were walking dogs, riding bikes, out for walks with friends. I know truly that they are more interested in what they are doing than anything I might do. But my head screams at me. It keeps trying to make me believe those people are going to laugh at me. That some how each and everyone of them is going to co-ordinate into a circle around me and jeer. Now I know that isn't that likely to happen (although I do know that people have shouted smart comments at my husband before) but it takes me more strength to just carry on with the walk/run than it does to actually run. I just have to keep reminding myself that in doing what I am doing I will reach a point where I will be able to just run.

Now last night I completed my target for walk/run. I managed to ignore what was going on in my head and yes that feels good. But I also don't feel like my self-consciousness is going to stop any time soon. For now though I am going to try really hard to focus on how good it was that I was worried about it and did it anyway. (Plus the fact that my husband just bought me an £80 pair of trainers and if I don't stick with it I will feel even worse about wasting that money!).


  1. glad you found a good pair of trainers - it makes it so much easier! i really need to get back into running!

  2. Hey. A good friend told me this quote a few years ago that I feel has drastically changed my day to day actions and I personally will never forget it. I think it will help you too -

    "You wouldn't worry so much about what people really thought about you if you knew just how seldom they actually do"

    I was the SAME way..always thinking everyone was staring at me and after hearing that from my friend, I started to realize that actually NOBODY was paying me any mind! To some that might be a bad thing but to people like us, that's a good thing. Not to mention, you are not the ONLY "heavy" person on this world..nobody is going to say "Omg look at that fat girl.." (not saying you are fat.. just using an example that I have used with myself!)

    Anyway, congrats on the running!! Don't worry about what other people may think. Chances are they aren't even thinking about you! :) Hope you have a wonderful day!!


  3. It sounds like you are going through that natural time of changing the things in your head as or before your body actually does as much changing. I find it strange how much the changing that happens is actually in the mind. You are definitely moving in the right direction and doing it in new running shoes is a great start!

  4. Keeping this blog is definitely a big help in straightening out what is going on in my head. It is also great knowing that there are people out there reading it who are going to come in with useful bits and pieces. I know that truly those other people around me couldn't care less what I am doing when I am out running etc. I do feel like I am winning the battle with not letting those thoughts stop me from doing it. Before I know it it won't even enter my head.