Trying to work out why this is different

Sorry for the double post today. This post has been sitting in my drafts for a couple of weeks. I decided I should either finish it or delete it. If you are reading it I guess that gives away what I decided to go with!

When I first started my attempt at 'getting there this time' I didn't know exactly how that was going to happen. I just knew that I felt awful. I got blinding headaches every couple of weeks when my sugar levels dropped. I woke most mornings feeling sick and sluggish. My clothes were as tight as they could get before needing the next size up, or if I am honest I probably would have been more comfortable in clothes 2 sizes up. I could feel my body wobbling when I brushed my teeth. That one was a big kick, it surely isn't right for your belly to wobble when you brush your teeth! Basically I was a mess.

I have tried various 'diets' in the past. The first one being when I was 20 and weighed 10st 10lbs (150lbs). That seems like nothing now. I spent a few weeks eating 1000 kcal/20g fat maximum and doing a few sit ups/leg raises. I now know that was probably one of the most un-healthy attempts I have made to lose weight. I know a lot more about nutrition now and what good food really is. I got down to 10st 2lbs (142lbs). It lasted about 3 weeks before I started to gain it all back. Up to 12st 2lbs (170lbs) by the time I got married at 24. Up to 14st 7lbs (203lbs) by the time I was 26 and Bookworm was 6 months old. After that I managed to get it back down to 12st 2lbs again before I got pregnant with Hyperboy. After he was born it went down and up and down and up between 13st 8 1/2lbs (190.5lbs) and 11st 10lbs (164lbs) repeatedly. Mostly at the upper end of that range. I've tried Weight watchers, south beach, atkins and slimming world based.

At no point in any of this did I try just plain and simple eating less of the things I enjoy eating and doing more exercise. This time it's different. The eating this time round is proper food of the sort that works for our family life. I am just eating smaller portions of it and thinking more about balancing it. If I know tea is going to be heavier I will compensate and have salad for lunch.

The other biggest difference is that I am snacking a lot less. After a couple of weeks of blogging I noticed buttons for http://www.myfitnesspal.com/. I started using it and have to say it has been great for me. I have found it so easy to track what I am eating on there and it takes out so much of the guesswork about how much I should eat. I don't go too strict on myself. If I have eaten my quota and I am hungry then I eat. If I haven't eaten my quota but am stuffed I listen to my body.

The other thing I have never tried is good old fashioned exercise. I have a bicycle which a couple of times I have half heartedly ridden. I have legs which used to enjoy cross country at school but have done nothing more than walk since. I love swimming but have been too damn lazy to go. I am doing all of those things now. But none of those are what have got me into the routine. That is down to Jillian Michaels 30 day shred DVD. I bought a copy a few months ago having seen several mentions of it. I did 5 days over a couple of weeks, got ill and then it gathered dust. After starting this blog it was popping up everywhere. Blogs I was reading, facebook status of a friend, message boards. I decided to get it out and do the 30 days. The progress I made doing that was enough to convince me that I could work out.

A new swimming pool opened 1.5 miles from home and Hyperboy learnt to cycle which gave me a reason to go out for bike rides. Bookworm started lessons at the new pool and finishes at just the right time for my husband to meet us there and whisk the children home while I stay and swim.

Lots of the blogs I read are by people who have taken up running as part of their journey. I was reminded that I used to enjoy it and decided to start too. I am now using the c25k programme. With the help of my fitness pal I can see how much difference the exercise makes to the amount of food I eat and am really enjoying it.

9 weeks ago I was hating myself, couldn't run for 1 minute and the idea of feeling good about myself was alien. Now I feel so much better. I am a third of the way to a healthy BMI and can see myself getting there. It won't be as quick as it might be if I were to follow a low calorie diet or some other eating plan. But this is working for me and it's working well. The smile on my face is growing as the rest of me is shrinking.

Time to make some goals

At the beginning of this journey I didn't have any goal other than to get healthier and fitter. I am feeling pretty confident in that goal now and have decided it is time for me to give myself some goals.

First of all I think I need to give myself some credit for what I have already achieved.

In the last 9 weeks I have;

Starting exercising regularly. At least 6 days a week for at least 25 minutes and usually more. I have never done that before. As a result I am much fitter.

I have lost 13 1/2lbs.

I have been out running/walking and cycling and got to the point where I'm not worried what passers by might be thinking.

I have lost several inches.

I can get into clothes that I couldn't even do up before my first pregnancy 9 years ago.

I realised when I got home from swimming last time that I hadn't given a thought to how I looked in my costume.

So my new goals are;

Be able to run for 20 minutes.

Keep dropping the weight. I don't want it to be my main focus but it has to be a big part of what I am trying to achieve.

Swim 1 mile without stopping.

Run a 10k by June 2012.

I am going to build up to the 20 minutes running one using the c25k programme. I have downloaded the podcasts and found that this works really well for me. When I go out with a watch to time myself I find it difficult to push myself. Having something else to tell me when it is time to start/stop running seems easier.

In the early days of this I said I wasn't aiming for a particular weight. Checking the BMI calculators suggests that 9st 10lbs (136lbs) is the upper range of healthy for my height. I am going to make that my goal. But if before I get there I am feeling comfortable then I may adjust that. That gives me 27lbs to lose. I was very nervous of setting a goal before because I was worried about not achieving it. After what I have achieved in the last 9 weeks I know I can do it.

With the swimming I am most of the way there and although I think it's great that I can say I can swim 1300 metres without stopping I want to be able to say I can swim 1 mile. For no reason other than it would be cool to be able to say it.

The 10k run is because of the speed my mouth moved in my bout of sibling rivalry the other week. Telling my teenage brother that I'll do it if he does means the particular run we were talking about is a year away. It gives me a long term goal and I am determined that this time next year I will be fitter, healthier and way more active than I have ever been. Once I can run comfortably for 20 minutes I will start building up to 10k then work on the time.

Weigh in - 9 weeks

Weight - 11st 9lbs - A loss of 1/2lb since last week making 13 1/2lbs loss total.

Body fat - 36% - A loss of 1% making 4% loss total.

Another 3/4in lost over chest, waist and hips making 8in lost in total

 

I am happy with that despite only losing 1/2lb because of the body fat % drop. I may have only lost 1/2lb total weight this week but I have apparently lost almost 2lbs fat. Happy dance.

 

It is a bank holiday in the UK so there ends my post. I shall be back to bore you with mindless waffle tomorrow. :oD

Torture by TOM

After my honesty post I realised I am having major cravings at the moment and they are all for sweet things. I know that sometime soon TOM will be paying a visit but don't know when. (One of the joys of the PCOS is that I have an extremely bizarre cycle. As in there is no pattern but I know I am going to be blessed with a visit sometime soon and my hormones are playing havoc with my state of mind!). I think that is something to do with it.

Other than the silly size chocolate bar the other night I have managed to keep a hold on it. Just. It is almost like it's on a string which is snapping one fibre at a time.

People around me are now noticing and commenting that I am losing weight. I am trying to channel the feelings I have about that into my blanket squares and have been catching up on those. It still makes me feel uncomfortable but I have noticed that it depends who it is. My close family and my closest friends can comment and compliment me and it doesn't really bother me. In fact I have even quite enjoyed the compliments. Less close friends and aquaintances commenting does still bother me a bit though. I am trying to ignore that part and focus on the fact that I am feeling much better physically. I think I have made some progress there though because in the past anyone except my husband commenting would have raised those feelings.

All in all at the moment I am finding it tough going. I am craving the comfort I feel from food but fighting it. I am looking forward to the point in the near future when I have got past this hurdle and am feeling positive again. It is almost like there is something trying to pull that positivity away from me in a tug of war type battle. It's pretty even right now.

Honesty

I could come and write about how happy I am that I have lost weight every week for the last 8 weeks. I could come and write about how my fitness levels have increased drastically over the last 8 weeks. I could talk about the fact that I am actually loving exercise.

All of that is true but in talking about those things I would be glossing over the fact that I have sat down this evening and eaten an entire Green and Blacks caramel bar myself. I had even gone as far as making sure that it would fit within my calories/fat for the day. How stupid is that?! Nice one, yes it fits in with calories/fat for the day but it's not in anyway a smart choice.

I have always been a huge chocoholic. We are talking anytime of the day bring me chocolate and I will eat it. Favourite breakfast - Pain au chocolat. Lunch - Must be finished off with something sweet. Dinner - See lunch. Snacks - A nice bar of chocolate will go down well. And yes on a lot of days that would have all occured in the same day.

Over the last 8 weeks I have eaten less chocolate than I would normally have eaten in half a week before. Have I missed it? Yes, a bit. Did it bother me? To begin with maybe but I have got used to it. Do I feel better for not eating so much of it? Yes, definitely.

So why on Earth have I just sat there and demolished a whole 100g bar of the stuff? Honestly. I felt like I have done so well and it was about time I treated myself. Yeah, nice one. A real treat. Now my mouth feels all clagged up with sugar, my stomach is cramping a bit and I feel stupid.

Next time I feel like this I need to come and read this, especially that last paragraph. If I'd stopped at a few pieces I wouldn't be feeling like this right now. I'd be thinking, 'that was nice. And I ate a sensible amount'.

While I am at it I predict a sugar low headache in the morning so if I am reading this back to myself at some point in the future in an attempt to remind myself why that bar of chocolate I am about to eat is a BAD IDEA think about that too. That ache that starts behind the eyes and doesn't shift for the whole day.

And don't forget the fact that you feel like you have let down all those people who have been telling you what a great job you are doing. (Sorry).

Until that this had been a good day. I had worked out doing the 45/50 minutes of cardio in Banish fat, boost metabolism. I had prepared everything I need for a busy day tomorrow. I was looking forward to a nice quiet evening by myself while my husband is out.

I am going to try not to feel guilty. I am going to feel everything and be aware of everythng that chocolate brings me. First though I am going to go and clean my teeth because right now my mouth feels absolutely horrible.

If you are reading this and contemplating doing similar later then learn from my experience and don't do it! Enjoy a little bit and leave it at that.

Weigh in - 8 weeks.

That time of the week again.

Weight - 11st 9 1/2lbs - A loss of 1 1/2lbs since last week making 13lbs loss total.

Body fat - 37% - A loss of 1% making 3% loss total.

Another 3/4in lost over chest, waist and hips making 7 1/4in lost in total.

I am also now 8 weeks from when I started so I have taken other measurements too.

Left bicep - 12 4/8in -loss of 3/8in over 4 weeks/6/8in total.

Left thigh - 23 1/8in - loss of 6/8in over 4 weeks/1 6/8in total.

Left calf - 15 2/8in - loss of 1/8in over 4 weeks/4/8in total.

 I wasn't expecting much this week. We spent the weekend with my parents which is usually something that sees plenty of food and lots of doing very little. It is also something which, when I have been trying to lose weight in the past, sees me either losing nothing or regaining some. This is not because my parents are lazy. They aren't. My Mum has always been a healthy weight and if she sits down in the day it usually means she is ill. My Dad is a long time marathon runner who goes running most days of the week. My youngest brother is skinny as a rake, always has been and always will be. It is that childhood home comforts thing.

But I am happy with everything from this week. Especially my weight, 11st 9 1/2lbs (163.5lbs) is the lowest I have seen on the scales for over 10 years. It also means that I am now officially (fanfare please) overweight. Dum dum de dum dum dummmmmm. I have dropped from being obese to being overweight. I am so happy about that. You'd think I had been told that I'd won the lottery!

I am starting to be able to see big changes in the mirror. I can see the shape of my waist that I always used to love. I can't believe the loss so far on my thigh. I am amazed that they have shrunk so much. In fact the only place I can't really see the difference is in my calves. I have never liked them and they have always been huge. I am glad that I have been tracking their measurement because if I hadn't then I wouldn't think there was a difference.

I did eat more carefully while I was at my parents than I have in the past. But I know it wasn't as carefully as I have been eating at home. Most important for me is that I took my running stuff there and went for a run/walk with my husband and brother. Over 30 minutes we walked 19 minutes and ran 11 minutes. I have made a note of the time and route and when we go back next time I plan to cover the same route and see what time I can do it in then.

Biggest surprise though was my mouth! As I mentioned my Dad is a runner. He loves it. There is a 10k race that he is doing soon and he was talking to my brother about how he will be old enough to do it next year. Before I realised it I was telling my brother that if he does it I will. So there, I have committed to my first race. I plan to do other shorter ones just as soon as I can run 5k. There are some coming up nearby soon but I want to be able to say I ran the whole thing. I could do them now but only if I walked/ran. I am seeing it as a challenge and am determined that this time next year I am going to be preparing for my first 10k run. So this time next year when I am saying 'what on earth possessed me to say I would do this' remind me that it was all down to sibling rivalry and direct me over here!

I am happy with the way everything is going but I am also getting a bit worried. It is seeming a bit too good to be true at the moment. I do feel a bit like I am watching it all from the outside. I am losing weight every week, measurements are shrinking every week, my fitness levels are rising almost daily and I am not looking forward to the week that sees a gain. I have realised I have been starting to expect it and be fearful of it. So this is my plan, when it happens I am not going to let it de-rail me. I am going to carry on with what I have been doing. I am going to remember that there will be a reason behind it. It could be because of TOM, it could be because of muscle gain, it could be because I haven't been so mindful of what I have eaten. There will be a reason and it won't be the end of the world.

So this no longer obese person is off to change all the bits and bobs on her blog that need adjusting and to enjoy the day.

Letting the cat out of the bag and a bit of gushing.

I have bored anyone reading this blog repeatedly with the fact that, in the past, when other people have started to comment on me losing weight I end up going way off track. The other day after my super swim I couldn't keep it to myself and my facebook status reflected that. One of my closest friends emailed me to ask what I had been doing so I replied. I even told her I had been keeping a blog (but didn't give her the link). This is my place to let off steam and get my thoughts (good and bad) out without worrying about what my friends think. If anyone knows me and figures out this blog is mine I don't want to know! Anyway yesterday my friend called me and told me she was really impressed. She knows how many times I have gone up and down with weight. We had a long chat and then realised that we'd not actually seen each other since I started this. I will be seeing her in a couple of weeks for the first time in nearly two months.

The biggest part of the conversation for me was accepting the praise she gave me. I didn't feel uncomfortable about it and enjoyed it for what it was. I then realised that this weekend I will be seeing a whole bunch of people who haven't seen me since before I began this.

This got me thinking. I know that the people I will be seeing WILL say something. One of them in particular always notices (as every good mother should notice changes in their children). My Mum will say something. It will be complimentary. I know that it is going to happen and keeping this blog has made me realise that I have gone way off track in the past when that happens. I think maybe the reason I opened up on facebook was to help prepare myself for the inevitable. Since speaking with my friend I am still on track. I think I gave myself some practice ready for the weekend.

My blanket squares that came about as a result of my musings on the subject of me feeling safer with the status quo haven't really been happening. I am surrounded by new babies recently so lots of knitting time has been going on them. I know it is there though and I want that blanket to be big enough to keep me nice and warm come winter. I will be picking it up again just as soon as I am finished with my current new baby knit. I am also going to post up a photo soon of the squares I have completed so far.

My blanket is getting bigger, my body is getting smaller and my confidence in myself is growing every day. I know that there will still be days where I stumble but I also know that I can come back here and read back through past posts but more importantly get inspiration from other bloggers. There are some truly amazing people who have been blogging their way through a similar journey. Their words have done so much to help me get on the path and stay on it. Particularly the following ones. You probably know them already but their words inspire me greatly so if you don't go and check them out.

http://alltheweigh2009.blogspot.com/ - Kenz has more determination in her little finger than some people have in their whole body.

http://diaryoffatwoman.blogspot.com/ - Joanna's was the first blog I read when I was starting. She juggles study, family and getting herself healthy. An inspirational woman.

http://alittlelessoflauren.blogspot.com/ - Lauren is someone I am honestly jealous of. I really wish that I had 'got it' at that age. As well as doing an amazing job of losing weight she is very honest in her blog. She also has one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen.

http://www.thefitbee.com/ - Colleen's story is one of those that made me say 'wow'. She has achieved a massive amount and has completely changed her life. I defy anyone to read it and not be inspired.

http://chrislivessimple.blogspot.com/ - Christine has given me words of wisdom that have meant a massive amount. She is very honest and open in her blog and I love the fact that she really puts herself out there.

There are others that I read, enjoy and am inspired by but these women have really helped me. Enough gushing. I'm off to enjoy the day.

Just call me Superwoman

Yes I am sorry. I am afraid I am blowing my own trumpet. But heck, I blooming well deserve it so if you can't abide self-congratulation then look away now.

I woke yesterday feeling like I didn't want to, and couldn't be bothered to, do the swimming in the evening. So what did I do? Well as my daughter had her swimming lesson I had to go to the pool anyway I packed my swimming bag so that later in the day I wouldn't have the excuse of it not being ready. Sneaky hey, I can not only outwit my 8 and 4 year olds I can outwit myself too. :oD That done I didn't have to give it a thought until late afternoon.

When it came time to leave for my daughter's lesson the mini's (I really should find them some blog names) and I set off on our bikes. It's a 1.7 mile ride to the pool and I am really pleased that the mini's can cycle there, DD can do her lesson and then they can cycle home.

Okay, mini's is going to annoy me. It sounds so twee.

DD from now on will be known as Bookworm. She really is. That girl would read all day if I didn't keep getting in the way with bits of work and her brother didn't keep getting her to play. DS will be known as Hyperboy. I worked with children for 18 years before he was born and I have NEVER known such an active child. If he isn't moving he isn't happy.

After Bookworm's lesson we had arranged that my husband would meet us at the pool straight from work and cycle home with them. He arrived just as we came out so they set off for home and I went back in to swim.

Swim I did. I started with the intention of seeing how much I could do aiming for at least 400 metres, remember I was not really in the mood for it so I just wanted to be able to say I had swum. I got that far in about 15 minutes and felt pretty good by that point. So I carried on. I swam and swam and swam. In the end I did 1,250 metres and had been swimming for 45 minutes with no breaks. That is the furthest and longest I have ever swum for in one go.

When I got out of the pool my legs were rather tired but gradually life returned to them and by the time I was showered and dressed I was a bit more sure about cycling home. When I first set off I wasn't convinced that I would make it home. There is a bit of a (long) hill at one point most of the way home and I didn't think I'd make it up there without having to get off and push. But I did. The gears on my bike came in very handy and I was moving so slowly that I swear I saw a snail rush past me but I made it. I even found the strength (both physically and mentally) to joke with a couple of men who had stepped aside to let me past. That was huge for me because as I said in my post about running I feel self-conscious about people seeing me exercise. But if you are reading this and yesterday some huffing, puffing, bright red in the face woman crawled past you on her bike and said 'give us a push' thank you for not laughing and mocking her and for chuckling with her.

When I got home my legs were very tired and I was ravenous but the sense of achievement had me on such a high that I didn't care. This morning I don't ache as I expected to. I feel proud of myself. Because I darn well should be. And boy am I glad I removed my excuse by packing my bag early in the day.

So if you had planned to do something today and there is a chance that you might find an excuse to not do it later what are you waiting for. Go and find a way to remove that excuse now, I want to read your blog post about what you did.

Taking the first steps

As I mentioned in my weigh in post this week my husband bought me some proper running shoes. This involved me pushing down every bit of self-consciousness that was screaming at me to stay at home and eat chocolate. I know from my husband and step-dads experiences of triathlons and marathons that the best way to make sure you get running shoes that work for you is to go to a shop, run on a treadmill and have someone who knows what they are doing assess your running style.

For me that assessment was more a case of

Shut head down.

Go to shop surrounded by husband and children (in order to send out the message that yes I may be an unfit mess but these people love me no matter what).

Sit and wait while staff deal with other customers (ignoring head screaming you don't belong here).

Explain to staff that you have just started trying to run and need some new trainers (while your head is saying if she laughs I am out of here).

Feel slightly more relaxed when she doesn't laugh but explains how they do the assessment.

Try on 'neutral' trainers and think 'wow, they feel really different'.

Run on treadmill (all the time thinking 'don't fall over'.

Discuss film (whilst thinking 'holy cow my calves are enormous').

Realise I have just run, with ease, on the treadmill.

Try on a couple of other pair of trainers, repeat running.

Choose neutral trainers because 'hey I might be fat and unfit but I have a neutral gait'.
Get to the till and almost faint when sales assistant says how much they are.

Bring trainers home and resist temptation to go out for a test walk/run because although the mind is tempted the legs are tired after the earlier 3.5 mile bike ride and 1000 metre swim.

So as you can see my experience was rather different from that of my husband and step dad.

Last night I christened my trainers. No I didn't dunk them in a font. I walked my daughter and her friend to Brownies then did 2 minutes walking, 1 minute running intervals home (via a longer route because I made more progress than I had expected).

So what was the difference. Well I didn't feel my heels slamming the floor with each step. I found running easier than I thought I was going to. I also learnt just how wrong my old trainers were. The support all round my foot was so different.

The shoes can't address my main problem when I am running which is being super aware of every single person within a visible radius. If I see someone coming the opposite way I find myself wishing that I pass them before my next running minute. Last night part of my route took me onto a playing field there were other people on the field. They were walking dogs, riding bikes, out for walks with friends. I know truly that they are more interested in what they are doing than anything I might do. But my head screams at me. It keeps trying to make me believe those people are going to laugh at me. That some how each and everyone of them is going to co-ordinate into a circle around me and jeer. Now I know that isn't that likely to happen (although I do know that people have shouted smart comments at my husband before) but it takes me more strength to just carry on with the walk/run than it does to actually run. I just have to keep reminding myself that in doing what I am doing I will reach a point where I will be able to just run.

Now last night I completed my target for walk/run. I managed to ignore what was going on in my head and yes that feels good. But I also don't feel like my self-consciousness is going to stop any time soon. For now though I am going to try really hard to focus on how good it was that I was worried about it and did it anyway. (Plus the fact that my husband just bought me an £80 pair of trainers and if I don't stick with it I will feel even worse about wasting that money!).

Friend Makin' Mondays: What Makes You Awesome?

If you've taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you're new, please take a moment to answer this week's question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section. And be sure to head over to All the weigh to see what the lovely Kenz has to say and let her know what makes you awesome. 

Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen.  The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it's time for this week's topic!

What makes you awesome? List at least five qualities/hobbies/habits make you cool and unique?

My daughter would be impressed. Awesome is her new favourite word and must be used as many times a day as possible so here goes.

1) I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a nanny then have my own children. The older I get the more I realise how lucky I am to have been so sure of that. I don't meet many people who have always known what they wanted to do with their life.

2) I cook and I love to cook and am proud to say that people have praised and looked forward to my baked goodies on many occasions.

3) I have been told I am a nice person. I find this weird because I am just me and behave the way I do because it is just the right way to be but I know others think this makes me awesome.

4) I genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason. My husband loves and is frustrated in equal measures by the fact that even when awful things happen I can soon after be heard to say "well at least it meant that x,y,z happened". The only exception to this was my Granny dying. The following 18 months were the worst of my life.

5) I just checked and am 1/2 inch taller than I thought I was which means I am only 1lb away from going from obese to overweight.

Okay that last one is a bit lame but it makes me feel pretty great knowing that in (hopefully) a few days time I will no longer be obese. :oD But if it helps then make number 5 "I am a pedant".

Weigh in

I am doing a little happy dance here. That probably gives away the direction my scales and tape measure have gone this week. :oD


Weight - 11st 11lbs - A loss of 2 1/2lbs since last week making 11 1/2lbs loss total.

Body fat - 38% - 1% up on last week/2% lost in total.

Another 1in lost over waist and hips (none lost from chest again this week) making 6 1/2in lost in total.

 

I think it is fair to say that I feel like I have earned every lb/in of my loss this week. I am 4lbs away from being overweight. Now while it might sound very strange for someone to be excited about being overweight I have been obese for a long time. To be so close to 'just' being overweight is great. I know lots of other people following the same journey as myself will get what I mean.

 

If I am honest I was terrified when my shred DVD refused to play. I realise now that had become my comfort zone of activity. It was working, I could do it and when it wouldn't play I had felt (irrationally, I know) like I was going to suddenly ping back to where I was before. But I am one of those people who annoyingly, irritatingly believes that everything happens for a reason. Well since that DVD went the way of the dodo I have done swimming, running and cycling in it's place. I have shown myself that I can swim 1000 metres without stopping. I can cycle just over 4 miles and feel like I could go out and do it again later that day. I can go out for a walk/run and not feel like I am channeling Bambi when he first stands up.

 

There will be more running to come. I was talking to my husband about how my legs/feet felt when I was running. He took me off to one of those shops where they assess your running style. I now know that I apparently have a neutral gait and am the proud owner of a pair of (shockingly expensive) trainers.

 

I have also got a replacement shred DVD on the way and a copy of Banish fat boost metabolism. They have been dispatched. I am not just going to stick with those though. I plan to combine running,swimming, cycling and Jillian Michaels' instruments of torture ;o).

 

Oh and I am sorry, I lied. It isn't a little happy dance. It is a bloomin', great big, enormous happy dance.

I should have guessed it was Friday 13th!

I hadn't been aware of the date today. Nothing about today required me to know the date so I was oblivious. But as my title says, I should have guessed. So what should have given it away?

Well first of all my plan to workout before our day started didn't happen. Mostly through a lack of organisation. I didn't get DS's lunch ready for playgroup last night so that needed doing amongst other things this morning. That was fine. I could do it later....Fast forward to later...

Later came, I decided to do it before DD and I had lunch. I got myself ready and sorted out my mat and weights. Put DVD in. Nothing. Try again. Good, it's working this time. Oh no it isn't. Now sometimes our computer needs a major dust removal. It is worse at the moment because not far away there is a building site so we are dust central right now. No problem. Take cover off, clean out, put back together. Good, now I can do it. Put DVD in. It started. Then froze. I tried again and again, another 10 times. Like it might suddenly decide to work. At this point I figured that it wasn't going to suddenly work.

I should have expected it really. I noticed a crack in the DVD the other day and it kept freezing a few seconds at a time last time I used it. The jury is out on who is responsible for the crack but I have my suspicions. I have a 'very helpful' DS who likes to load and put away DVDs for me.

So plans to shred scuppered. Then I had a brain wave. I wonder if I can download it on itunes. Click click. It would seem that the version of quicktime we had was too low. Ok, un-install, re-install. £10?!!!!! £10?!!!!! I paid £5 for the DVD on Amazon. I'm not paying that much. By now it was an hour later than when I had planned to start, I was in a foul mood and DD had gone to play upstairs because she could see the tell tale signs of smoke billowing from my ears as I was simmering gently.

At this point I realised I was hungry. The trouble is my frustration had me wanting to eat. I stopped way before I ever would have done before but did eat a completely un-necessary chocolate bar. I wasn't hungry for it, I didn't enjoy it and I certainly didn't savour it.

So far, so bad. No workout DVD, messed up eating and foul bad mood. I am going to go and blog about this so I can get it off my chest. Click. What? What do you mean unavailable?! I NEED it, that is my outlet. This is not good.

I also realised I was feeling anxious. Not about the DVD. Not about the food. No. I was, for the first time ever, feeling anxious because I hadn't been able to do my exercise. Who has replaced my brain. Come on. Own up. I don't enjoy exercise. Do I? Woah there. I think I do. Me. Queen of excuses for getting out of PE at school. Merciless mocker of my husband for his intense training schedule. I want to exercise.

Now after a bit of thinking I decided that when DH got home I would go for a walk/run. DH and the children came with me to the field I planned to run in and after a bit, okay a lot, of talking myself into not thinking all the dog walkers would laugh at me I set off. Up and down the field a few times. Running for between 1 and 2 minutes at a time with 2 to 3 minutes of walking in between. I do have to get some new trainers. I can feel that they have no support at all. My husband assures me that decent trainers make a major difference. He says I can get some. There is one of those places that assesses your running style nearby. I can go there, run on a treadmill and they will find shoes that suit the way I run. (Do they do shoes for people who run in the style of a baby elephant?!).

Now there is a challenge for me. I have to go and run in front of people who spend their days with proper runners. Watch this space.

As for Friday 13th. Pah, I laugh in the face of your pathetic attempts to de-rail me. I did manage to get back on track with my eating and while I didn't get in below myfitnesspal's target I did eat less than 'normal, non-weight loss' calories etc. I did my exercise. I sucked it up and ran when every part of my brain was telling me that I would look absurd and would attract a crowd of laughing witnesses (I didn't). And this morning. I am wearing a new pair of jeans that were languishing in the too small pile. Another pair of non-stretchy 14s. Yah boo sucks Friday 13th. You'll have to try harder than that. Oh and as well as the replacement DVD I have ordered banish fat, boost metabolism.

Welcome back blogger. DON'T DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!

Going well

So far this is looking to be a good week for me. I have managed to do 2 levels of 30 day shred back to back. I attempted a (very) little bit of running. I am eating well. I have had a night out with my husband. More smaller clothes are fitting. My brothers first baby has arrived. All in all I am feeling really good.

So doing level 2 and then level 1 of 30DS. Now that went well. I was really surprised at how well in fact. It felt easier than back on that first day that I did level 1. After that I could barely move. After 2+1 I was sweating like a pig but I didn't have too much trouble with anything.

Food - I have been using myfitnesspal to log my food and exercise. So far that is working really well for me.I have found it a great motivator for exercise because to see the calories I have burnt doing it works well for me. On the food side of things it does make me really accountable and makes me think about what I am eating.

A night out with my husband is always a good thing. It was looking a bit shaky there for a moment when on the day we discovered that the person who said they would baby sit had forgotten they were meant to be doing it. Luckily a friend was able to step in at the last minute so we still got to go.

I have pulled another pair of jeans out of the cupboard today which 5 weeks ago I could just about do up if I did the laying down, breathing in, rolling around thing. Today they fit really nicely.

New baby - Well that is always guaranteed to put a smile on my face but when it is my brothers first baby. Well let's just say that I couldn't be any more excited if it was my own baby. I can't wait to meet him. We don't live close by so I am waiting patiently for the OK to go and visit while they settle in to their new life.

Tonight I will be going swimming. Proper swimming for the first time in a while. I started going last year on a twice weekly basis and it was going really well. I got up to being able to do 1000 metres and then got lazy and stopped going. It is going to be the first day I haven't done 30DS since starting it.

And on top of all that it is a lovely sunny day here. I hope the sun is shining on you. Have a lovely day.

Weigh in

I wasn't expecting to do too well this week. If you read some of my posts you know that I was finding it tough going. But I have done better than I expected and while the loss on the scales isn't as much as it could be it's better than I expected and I am pleased with the loss on the tape measure.


Weight - 11st 13 1/2lbs - A loss of 1 1/2lbs since last week making 9lbs loss total.

Body fat - 37% - 1% down on last week/3% lost in total.

Another 3/4in lost over waist and hips (none lost from chest again this week) making 5 1/2in lost in total.

 

I am very happy with the weight loss. I really wanted to get below 12stone but wasn't expecting to. Until now I have had every other week being a low loss of 1/2lb so to have lost 1 1/2lbs this week and waved goodbye to 12 stone is great. The body fat loss is great for me too. I can't remember being less than 37% body fat on my scales at all so the next loss on that is going to be a pretty big thing for me (note that is a WHEN not and IF). The inches loss is also something I am pleased with. One thing I don't mind not losing on is my chest. I like my boobs thank you very much. :oD

Goodbye 12 stone anything. I shan't miss you.

NSV's left, right and centre

1) - 30 day shred. If you pop over here often then you might notice that I have moved my 30 day shred counter. There is a very good reason for that. I have done it every day for 30 days. This is huge for me. I have never exercised regularly. Even at secondary school I would find excuses to miss PE when I could. I am chuffed to bits with myself. In the gap it's left I am going to put my weekly plan for exercise and carry on updating it once I have done each day. Of course having completed 30 day shred I fully expect to wake up in the morning with the abs Jillian promises. If not I shall be seeking recompense. ;oD

2) - More energy - Bucket loads of the stuff. I was running with my DS today. He is 4 and I may have mentioned before that he never walks when he could run. I ran up a steep-ish path with him today. Twice.

3) - Trousers - I am sitting here wearing a pair of UK 14 jeans. They do up, they are comfy and did I mention they are a 14? 5 weeks ago even my loosest UK 16's were 'snug'. The 14's I have on are that weird stretchy denim so not truly jeans but they are still 14s and they are even a bit loose which brings me to #5.

4) - Belts - As the trousers are a bit loose I dug out a belt I bought a couple of months ago. When I bought it the first notch on it was just about manageable. Today it is on the 3rd notch (each notch is an inch apart from the next one). No breathing in, it is bona fide 3rd notch in.

5) - Bras - A bra that I had given up on 2 months ago because it left red marks around me and was uncomfortably tight fitted me perfectly yesterday. I am a sucker for nice bras and can't wait for the next time I need to get some new ones. I have warned DH that I will be needing some soon. Most of the rest are fitting on the tightest hooks so won't be long now.

That will do. I am a happy bunny right now.

I'm still here

Thank you for the lovely words after my moment yesterday. I have picked my toys up and put them back in my pram. I love the fact that those who commented seemed to get that I don't respond well to bossiness and need a bit of gentle steering. I am obstinate. Extremely. In fact I will always be proud of the fact that the head of year said exactly that in my school report in my first year at secondary school. I took that as a compliment. :o} When it came to exam time my home economics teacher told me that I might as well accept that I wasn't going to get any higher than an E grade in my exam. Red rag to a bull. I got a C. Not great but I proved her wrong. It only took me 12 years to realise she knew that was exactly what would happen!

Anyway. I didn't give up, I didn't binge and I stuck within my own plans. I made a start on my 7th blanket square and watched a programme on online tv.

I am back on full power today and have just shredded. If anyone had told me 3 weeks ago that I would be a) doing it everyday, b)doing level 3 within the 30 days and c) enjoying it I would have laughed at them. But I have done all of those things. I set myself a goal of doing it for 30 days in a row. Two days left to go and I will have. I need to make a plan for Monday onwards. So here it is;

Monday - Shred - Go back to level 2 and if I feel like I can do more then follow it up with level 1
Tuesday - Shred - level 1 in the morning. In the afternoon when taking DD to her swimming lesson wear workout clothes and run for as much of the journey as I can while DD and DS cycle.
Wednesday - Go swimming in the evening.
Thursday -Day off - if I feel like I can in the evening then do shred - level 1
Friday - Shred level 3
Saturday - Shred level 2 (+ level 1 if I can)
Sunday - Shred level 1 (+level 2 if I can).

This is a one week only plan because our weeks vary a bit and I want to see how it goes to begin with. It is heavily in favour of shredding because at the moment I feel comfortable with that.

Oh - and I almost forgot. I have added my name to my blog. So hi from Michelle. There will still be lessofme but I figure I am earning that title and should connect it with my name.

I have to get past this point

I am at the point where I start  to feel like giving up and thinking that I'm not really that bothered. I am leaving my 'safe weight' zone. I know that in reality I do want to do this and I know I need to keep going. But man it's hard. I've not been properly below this weight for, um, ever.

So what if I don't carry on. So what if I just stay at this nice comfortable, wibbly-wobbly, cuddly me. Why is this point so hard? What do I need to do to get past it? I am having to be super strict with myself when it comes to eating because I am feeling very much on the edge of a big, blow out binge. I know that I don't really want that and the downward (or should that be upward) spiral that inevitably follows.

Yes this is an attention seeking post. Yes it is just because I want the reassurance that I can do this. Sorry.

Having a serious word with myself

I did not stick to my 25g Easter chocolate a day yesterday. (I am trying to see typing that as plain and simple honesty. Not to punish myself.) I had far more than 25g. In fact I now have hardly any left. I did share it with my husband (I don't share chocolate!) and it was a lot less than I would have eaten in previous times but still way more than I had planned to.

I know why the sweet munchies got me. I felt like I deserved a reward. My DD has just started new swimming lessons about 1 1/4 miles away. Instead of driving there the children took their bikes and I walked. I had got up and shredded in the morning and then the walk took 45 minutes each way. That's way more exercise in a day than I have done for, um, ever! A lot of that time was spent walking fast to keep up with them. I rewarded myself with what I know best and that was chocolate. I seriously need to get some new rewards! Maybe I'll make myself a star chart. Ha ha :oD No, at the moment I don't know what it's going to be but I can't use food as a reward/comfort/treat etc anymore. That sort of thing is one of the reasons I have got to make this journey in the first place.

One thing I am pleased about, I was thinking on the way back from the swimming that I was quite enjoying the faster pace of walking and that next week I might don my trainers and workout clothes for the journey. You never know I might be tempted to jog some of it. If nothing else it will sure help keep up with my ridiculously fast son on his bicycle. I swear that boy has legs like pistons and has just got a brand new bicycle, no stabilisers (he's only 4). He takes after his Daddy.

What do you do to treat/reward yourself if you used to use food to do it with?

Weigh in

Back again for another weigh in, a day later than usual because we had a busy day yesterday. I did weigh/measure yesterday but didn't have chance to come and update here. It's been quite a good week as far as staying on track goes. Weight is still coming off slowly but as I am not following a specific diet plan that is no suprise. I reached the goal weight I set for this week.

Weight - 12st 1lbs - A loss of 1lb since last week making 7 1/2lbs loss total.

Body fat - 38% - No loss this week.

Another 3/4in lost over waist and hips (none lost from chest this week) making 4 3/4in lost in total.

I am going to aim for 12 stone (168 pounds) this week. I really want to get to a weight that is 11 stone something but I don't want to start focusing on the weight loss too much. I am pleased with the way my body is toning up and inches are dropping. By this time next week I will have completed 30 day shred and to have worked out 30 days in a row is my main goal at the moment. I am deciding what to do when the 30 days is up. I am going to keep 30 day shred workouts in there somewhere but am thinking of bringing in swimming too. We have a really nice new pool near us which is close enough to cycle to.