The Make-up Fairy made me do it.

 Okay she didn't really but in response to my last post The Make-up Fairy said she thought it was really important to think about the reasons why my heart hasn't been in it recently. So here I am, sitting at the back of the class writing my essay.

 You know when you were in school and had homework to write an essay about something you hadn't really paid attention to. Well that's how I am feeling right now. I don't really know where to start because I think the main reason I haven't been doing so well is because I have got lazy. When this was going really well and I was making good progress I was planning my food every week, tracking my actual food every day, planning my exercise every week, tracking my exercise every day, thinking carefully about if I actually wanted/needed to eat x,y,z and thinking about why I was trying to lose weight. I have become complacent.

Oooh, hang on, something just went ping in my head. One reason why that has happened is because I have reached a point with my weight where I am at a lower point than I have been at any point over the last 12 years. That means I am at the same weight I was at when I was 21. I also know that I am a lot fitter than I was back then. When I think about where I have got to now my over-riding thought it one of "Well heck, I have done so well. I deserve a bit of a break from this".

I have also reached the point where my two sacks of too small clothes have shrunk to two pairs of trousers and a shirt. The stuff that fits me now is pretty much it when it comes to clothes I own fitting well. Some of it is already starting to feel too big. That scares me. I know it sounds ridiculous but once those things are too big I have to make do for a while. We can't afford for me to be buying more clothes right now. So if I get smaller then I have to be smaller in baggy clothes. Now that shouldn't bother me but at the moment things fit nicely, I don't look too bad and it's not like I am the type of person that is too bothered about how I look. At least that's what I thought. Over the last few weeks I have begun to quite like what I see in the mirror. I have realised that for pretty much the past 10 years I have worn clothes that I consider don't make me noticeable. I hate standing out at the best of times. Standing out when I was very overweight really didn't appeal. It wasn't a conscious thing I just had a wardrobe full of generic jeans and tops. Feeling happier with me has meant that my wardrobe has a little more colour. I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!

In some ways I don't feel like anything has changed. My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago. If I need to convert my weight from stones and pounds to pounds then I always find myself first of all multiplying 12 by 14. Then I have to start again because I am not 12 stone anything. I am 11 stone something. That seems pretty stupid to me because I am actually only a few pounds away from being 10 stone something and I can't even get my head round 11 something. If my head is still stuck in the 12's then no wonder I am struggling to get stuck into the eating ways of my new life.

Here is a big one. I am scared. I am scared that something is going to come along and change it all back. What if I get injured and can't exercise, what if I wake up one morning and have suddenly gained back all 20lbs, what if I can't do it. I will have seen and felt what it is like to weigh a lot less than I used to and know the pain and misery of not succeeding. That scares the crap out of me. I think part of my head thinks it would be safer to just go back to that safe little cocoon I had and just be the quiet, fat girl sitting quietly in the corner.

I am worried about what to do when I get there. So when I get to that healthy weight where I am also happy with the way I look. What do I do? Will it be a constant battle to stick at it? Will I end up only being able to maintain it if I eat next to nothing? I don't like the idea of that. Not one little bit. To me that screams not healthy.

The exercise is the one thing that has stuck with me. I don't find it a struggle (mentally) to do it. I actually enjoy it.

So there we go. That is some of the stuff that has spewed from my head because The Make-up Fairy made me do it. Now I will admit that I would never in an entire lifetime come across her blog if it wasn't for the fact that she is working on losing weight as well. Make up for me is something that I wear once in a blue moon. She would be horrified that I still have make up kicking around some where from when I got married. That will be 10 years next year. That woman does things with make up that I can't even begin to imagine knowing how to do. In that respect we couldn't be more different. But that woman talks sense. She told me it was important to give thought to the whys. She was damn right. Looking at those things I have highlighted I feel like I can start working out how to deal with them. If you are less make-up challenged than me go and check out her blog. She is giving away some goodies right now so as well as coming away from her blog with useful advice you might well end up with some make up too.

Losing the will rather than the weight.

I am not doing a great job right now of sticking to my aims and goals. I have stopped tracking food, stopped blogging all my thoughts and stopped planning meals. The result of this is that my weight is sticking. There is just enough thought going on in there to stop it from going back up. I don't want that. The only thing still going on properly is the exercise. I think that is my saving grace.

The worst thing at the moment is that I don't really feel the inclination to get back on top of it. I know that deep down I want to I just can't quite make that final push.  I keep coming up with reasons why it might be that my heart isn't in it at the moment. I am not going to go into them right now. They don't deserve the head space.

This whole blog is supposed to be about getting there this time. I am not THERE yet. That I do know. But I have become complacent. I've left the land of obese and am down to overweight, I have got into regular exercise, I have lost 20lbs, I have shrunk out of so many clothes and most of the time (dressed) I don't look in the mirror and look terrible. I have achieved so much and I am happy about that BUT I am not going to settle for half way there or nearly there.

I feel like I need to have some space for me to sort my head out and come up with a plan. Luckily I get that chance next week. Bookworm and Hyperboy will be with their Grand-parents for a week so I will have some child free time.

Before I get that chance if there is anyone reading this who can relate and has any wise words for me let me know.

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3lbs- A gain of 1/2lb since last week making 19 1/2lbs loss total.

Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss

No change on chest/hips

1/4in lost from my waist.

 

I am stalled at the moment. I know I could be doing more to change the way I eat and have tried to be a little more aware of it. For the week before my 5k on Sunday I chose to not cut back at all. I set myfitnesspal at maintain. I didn't want to get to the race and be low on energy. I had 4 days before the race and 1 day after without exercising so my legs would be fresh for the run and could recover. Now that is out of the way I am going to change myfitnesspal back and get back on it. I want to see the back of the 11's.

 

This weekend I will be seeing a whole load of people I haven't seen for between 1 and 12 years. It will be very strange. Those I have seen more recently will have last seen me at nearly 13 stones the ones I haven't seen for longer won't see anything different because I last saw them at the size I am now. Bizarre!

I just want to say

That I am absolutely disgusted at the behaviour of the mindless, selfish, stupid idiots who seem determined to ruin the lives and livelihoods of people. There is no excuse for the appalling behaviour that has taken place over the last few nights. And if you are reading this and have been taking part in it then be truly ashamed of yourselves. You should probably also know that you have been scaring small children. My son has been asking today if we live in any of the places you seem intent on trashing. Congratulations. You are capable of scaring a small child. Does it make you feel big?

My first ever 5k race.

I was in a vile mood from Friday afternoon until we got to the park for the 5k. My poor husband bore the brunt of it and I am ashamed to say I snapped at lots of stupid little things that I would normally not even notice. I was extremely nervous and just wanted the whole thing over and done with.

Saturday morning came and I managed a home made cinnamon and raisin bagel (see how little my husband deserves snapping at. He makes me home made bagels!) and that was it other than plenty of water. I was able to do little more than get myself ready which meant that getting Bookworm and Hyperboy ready for the day was down to my husband. They were going to do the 1 mile fun run. Bookworm, as her name suggests loves reading and doesn't run if she can help it. Hyperboy is the complete opposite and will run as often as he can. Much excitement was coming from them at the prospect of their 'first ever race'.

We were walking to the race because it's only a mile from home. When we got their I headed straight for the loos (to be repeated several times before the 5k started!). After getting registered, and meeting up with my mother in law, the children did the warm up with a chap from the local gym and it was time for them to get started. We had already chatted with Bookworm (8) about how if Hyperboy (4) decided to run ahead then Daddy would have to go with him. She is old enough and sensible enough to follow the marshall's instructions and ask them for help if she needs it. Once they started I noticed the queue for the toilets was building up so I went to wait there. While I was waiting the first fun runner was on their way back round then to my genuine shock I spotted husband and Hyperboy on their way. My 4 year old son was going to have finished the mile in less than 10 minutes. He was also in the first 10 back and in front of a lot of older children. I guess the nickname is appropriate. He ran the last bit to the finish line on his own while husband waited for Bookworm. Once they were both finished (and I had finally made it to the loo!). I went over to find them after the finish. It turned out that Bookworm had run the whole thing and Hyperboy had only walked for 20 seconds. I was brimming with pride that my Bookworm daughter had run the full thing and Hyperboy had done so well on his 4 year old legs.

Then it was my turn. I was still very nervous and opted to join in the organised warm up to distract me. Then to the start line. I had borrowed husband's stopwatch so I could time myself and get an idea of how I was doing. I started it as I crossed the start line and didn't look at it again until the 1k marker. 21s, um either a new world record or I had knocked the button. Knowing it was the latter I started it again. I had seen my little support team about 200 metres in.
About 1 1/2k I started to feel it was getting easier. Then I saw husband which boosted me. At 2k I checked the watch again and knew I was doing slightly quicker than I had planned. I slowed down a little, I wanted to get to the finish running. The route was two loops so it was past the finish line then carry on. Not long after that I heard the PA system announcing the first finisher in 16m something!!!!
There was no 3k marker (or I didn't notice it) so the next marker was a long time coming. By the time I got to 4k I was starting to struggle. I was really having to push to keep running. Not long after that husband appeared and cheered me on and asked how it was going. I managed to say bad and gestured for him to run along side me. I needed a boost and that helped distract me just enough for a hundred metres or so and get my focus back. When I came round the last corner and headed for the finish line a marshall said "You are doing well ladies" then "go on, push hard and you can catch her". As there was no one in front of me I knew she was talking to the woman behind me. Competitiveness kicked in and I thought "No she bl***y well can't" so I pushed it to stay ahead. It worked and I crossed the line ahead of her. After getting home and checking out the photos husband took it turned out there was actually a group of 7 people behind me. There was also a great shot that my mother in law got that showed the woman right behind me pushing really hard but with me in front grinning because I had just finished. So I got my medal and my children rushed over and hugged me. Husband came and asked if I knew what time I'd done. I told him about the watch problems and he said he knew because he'd stood next to the timing man at the end.

I had finished my first 5k in 31m 50s.

I was amazed. Not only had I run 5k for the first time ever, I had run for longer than I ever have. Thinking back to when I first set myself a time target I had beat that first target (it got lower as I got better at running in the build up) I had beat my initial target by 13m 10s.

I was buzzing for the rest of the day. We had a quick lunch when we got home then a delicious roast dinner later. Followed by a well deserved piece of chocolate cake in the evening. Today my legs are tired but not aching as such. I plan to give them a day off then I am aiming to get back into 30DS most days and running a couple of days a week. Now I have to start building up towards 10k for next May. It's also back on the journey to meeting my goal. I did the 5k at 20lbs down from my starting weight. I plan to lose at least that again before the 10k.

48 hours from now

I will have, one way or another, come to the end of my first 5k. I am a little nervous. I am only at the stage of "I think I can run that far". I guess all will be clear by the end of the weekend. I really want to run the whole 5k.

Whatever happens I am proud of myself for having made a start on running and been brave enough to sign up to a 5k when I was still only running for a couple of minutes. I am saying this now because if it doesn't go as well as I hope I will need to remember that.

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 2 1/2lbs- A loss of 1lb since last week making 20lbs loss total.

Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss

No change on chest/waist

1/2in lost from my hips making 4 1/4in total loss

 

I should be feeling very cheerful and excited this morning. My weigh in today takes me to 20lbs lost. That makes me the same as I was when I was 21. For some reason though, that I have yet to put my finger on I just feel flat. The calendar tells me I might possibly have TOM soon. At least I would if my body knew how to do anything to a routine, as it is that could be this week, it could be next week, it could be a fortnight from now.

 

Anyway, good things. I am continuing to lose weight and inches. I have continued to run. I have had a slightly tight hamstring but nothing that a good massage won't cure (hopefully). I am counting down the days to my first 5k race (notice I said first 5k race, I am already thinking about doing some more before the 10k I have booked next May). I still haven't quite managed to run 5k in my training runs but I am now up to 28 minutes of running and have covered 4.48km before needing to walk. I will be going out for my last training run tonight. Obviously that has been a cue for some of the hottest weather we've had for a few weeks and so far the forecast for the day of the race is thunderstorms!!!!!!

 

I have noticed a sudden increase in my activity levels over the last week. Our garden needs some serious attention. It has been getting it from me (with a little help from my husband at the weekend). Things have been tidied, moved, thrown out, retrieved from the undergrowth AND most spectacularly of all we have finally put up the climbing frame we bought the children 2 years ago. Having the energy to do things like that is very nice. It is also very rewarding to see the result of it. Our garden has been very neglected over the last couple of years due to a triathloning (!) husband and a lazy, dis-inclined me.

 

I am noticing my clothes getting looser again. Some of the ones that are getting looser are UK14's. This is heading into strange territory for me now. I am starting to look at myself in the mirror and quite liking what I see. Yes a lot of areas are still nowhere near how I would like them but dressed I have felt that I am no longer looking just plain old fat. I have a few pairs of jeans that I really need to get rid of. They are ones that are still in really good condition because I bought them between starting this journey and now. I am hoping to sell them on eBay. Even a little bit of money for them will help towards getting me something else that fits nicely. I have noticed that the days I am most complacent about what/how I eat are the days when the clothes I am wearing are the loosest. I would like to be able to just give them away to someone who is a little bit further back on the path than I am but I also know that I need to replace them and that takes money.

 

I plan to spend some time catching up on blanket squares this week. After I run tonight I plan to give my legs a rest from exercise for a few days ready for the 5k. I will probably be back here before the 5k but if not I will definitely be back to post about how it goes.

 

Happy Wednesday everybody.