Throwing frustration in the bin instead of stuffing it down my mouth!

OK, I said earlier I was going to make myself be more aware of why I was eating. The challenge arose rather more quickly then I anticipated. This afternoon something has happened that caused me intense frustration. It coincided with a tray of cookies that Hyperboy made cooling on the side. BIG, BAD COMBINATION.

I convinced myself that the first cookie was OK because "I was being a good Mummy and checking out how he had done".

Second one "This isn't good but they are yummy".

Third one "What am I doing? Surely one would have been plenty".

Fourth one "Oh yeah, I am meant to be thinking about this and working out why. OK, I am in a bad mood, I am annoyed and there is nothing I can do about it. So I have eaten these instead.".

At that point I still had half a cookie left in my hand. I stood there staring at the cookie. Then I threw it in the bin. My frustration hasn't eased any, I am still really angry but I have only made it 3 1/2 cookies worse rather than an entire tray full.

I can still salvage today by replacing part of my tea with salad and still making sure I get a decent healthy meal. I have work to do on this. A lot of work. But I will get there.

Back on the road - day 3

So yesterday didn't go too well. It started off OK, I was OK with my weigh in. I had planned my food. I had planned my exercise. My stumbling block came after lunch. I had 3 squares of chocolate. Not a big deal. A sensible amount. The rest went back in the tin. But THEN, I am not sure why, I blocked out any thinking about it, I decided to have a bowl of ice cream and sauce. If I'd left it at the chocolate it would have been fine. But oh no, ice cream and sauce to top it off.

But wait, it gets even better. We met some friends for a picnic (picnic part for the children). I packed food just for the children. But whilst packing I pinched a couple of the mini sausage rolls I'd cooked. Not bad on their own, lean sausage meat all made with good stuff. But on top of the chocolate and ice cream. D'OH!

On the way home from the picnic I was quite psyched up about going for a run. Then I started to feel rough. It came out of nowhere. I waited to see if it would pass but it didn't. I felt bad and very tired. I decided to make yesterday a rest day. At no point did it occur to me that maybe I was feeling rough because of the extra sugar and fat swimming around my body. That light bulb moment waiting for this morning. Which is why after tea, when husband decided he fancied some ice cream and sauce I joined him and had a second bowl. I neglected to mention that I had already had some earlier in the day.

So I didn't do a great job all round yesterday. I did track it all, and looking at the figures it could have been a lot worse. The thing that bothers me most about yesterday's eating is that I didn't allow myself to be aware of the thought process in doing it. I deliberately blocked it out. I need to make sure I am listening to what is going on in my head because not doing that is a very slippery slope for me into re-gaining all the weight I have lost and a lot of binge eating. I have been there before and I know damn well that I am not going back. I am not going to let it happen.

Today is a new day and I am not going to make the same mistake today. Today will be better, it will be on track and I will stick to my plans. Half way through the day all ready and so far so good.

The Make-up Fairy made me do it.

 Okay she didn't really but in response to my last post The Make-up Fairy said she thought it was really important to think about the reasons why my heart hasn't been in it recently. So here I am, sitting at the back of the class writing my essay.

 You know when you were in school and had homework to write an essay about something you hadn't really paid attention to. Well that's how I am feeling right now. I don't really know where to start because I think the main reason I haven't been doing so well is because I have got lazy. When this was going really well and I was making good progress I was planning my food every week, tracking my actual food every day, planning my exercise every week, tracking my exercise every day, thinking carefully about if I actually wanted/needed to eat x,y,z and thinking about why I was trying to lose weight. I have become complacent.

Oooh, hang on, something just went ping in my head. One reason why that has happened is because I have reached a point with my weight where I am at a lower point than I have been at any point over the last 12 years. That means I am at the same weight I was at when I was 21. I also know that I am a lot fitter than I was back then. When I think about where I have got to now my over-riding thought it one of "Well heck, I have done so well. I deserve a bit of a break from this".

I have also reached the point where my two sacks of too small clothes have shrunk to two pairs of trousers and a shirt. The stuff that fits me now is pretty much it when it comes to clothes I own fitting well. Some of it is already starting to feel too big. That scares me. I know it sounds ridiculous but once those things are too big I have to make do for a while. We can't afford for me to be buying more clothes right now. So if I get smaller then I have to be smaller in baggy clothes. Now that shouldn't bother me but at the moment things fit nicely, I don't look too bad and it's not like I am the type of person that is too bothered about how I look. At least that's what I thought. Over the last few weeks I have begun to quite like what I see in the mirror. I have realised that for pretty much the past 10 years I have worn clothes that I consider don't make me noticeable. I hate standing out at the best of times. Standing out when I was very overweight really didn't appeal. It wasn't a conscious thing I just had a wardrobe full of generic jeans and tops. Feeling happier with me has meant that my wardrobe has a little more colour. I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!

In some ways I don't feel like anything has changed. My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago. If I need to convert my weight from stones and pounds to pounds then I always find myself first of all multiplying 12 by 14. Then I have to start again because I am not 12 stone anything. I am 11 stone something. That seems pretty stupid to me because I am actually only a few pounds away from being 10 stone something and I can't even get my head round 11 something. If my head is still stuck in the 12's then no wonder I am struggling to get stuck into the eating ways of my new life.

Here is a big one. I am scared. I am scared that something is going to come along and change it all back. What if I get injured and can't exercise, what if I wake up one morning and have suddenly gained back all 20lbs, what if I can't do it. I will have seen and felt what it is like to weigh a lot less than I used to and know the pain and misery of not succeeding. That scares the crap out of me. I think part of my head thinks it would be safer to just go back to that safe little cocoon I had and just be the quiet, fat girl sitting quietly in the corner.

I am worried about what to do when I get there. So when I get to that healthy weight where I am also happy with the way I look. What do I do? Will it be a constant battle to stick at it? Will I end up only being able to maintain it if I eat next to nothing? I don't like the idea of that. Not one little bit. To me that screams not healthy.

The exercise is the one thing that has stuck with me. I don't find it a struggle (mentally) to do it. I actually enjoy it.

So there we go. That is some of the stuff that has spewed from my head because The Make-up Fairy made me do it. Now I will admit that I would never in an entire lifetime come across her blog if it wasn't for the fact that she is working on losing weight as well. Make up for me is something that I wear once in a blue moon. She would be horrified that I still have make up kicking around some where from when I got married. That will be 10 years next year. That woman does things with make up that I can't even begin to imagine knowing how to do. In that respect we couldn't be more different. But that woman talks sense. She told me it was important to give thought to the whys. She was damn right. Looking at those things I have highlighted I feel like I can start working out how to deal with them. If you are less make-up challenged than me go and check out her blog. She is giving away some goodies right now so as well as coming away from her blog with useful advice you might well end up with some make up too.

The 'My head and body are both a bit messed up' weigh in.

It seems that at the moment I can talk the talk but then go off and do a very different walk. When I think it all through I know where I am going wrong and what I need to do to make it right. But putting it into action is a very different thing right now.

I am having a difficult TOM, it is always pretty messed up but I normally get some warning that it is on the way. There is no regularity to them at all. I have always been jealous of those people who say they have a 28 day cycle. Mine can be anywhere between 15 days and 42 days. This time BAM there it was, No warning, no indications it was coming. That messed with my head for a start, on top of that I spent all day yesterday tired, achy and more than a little spaced out. I was supposed to be seeing friends last night but instead I was in bed by 8.30pm. I feel more normal today but having weighed/measured my mind is playing with me.

I have gained 1/2lb this week but body fat was down to 34% (last week it was 36%). My measurements all stayed the same. I have recorded all the numbers but I am not going to (try not to) take them too seriously. I have TOM and my eating has been all over the place. I have no idea what is down to which part. Is the 1/2lb gain down to eating weirdly or TOM? Is the 2% fat loss down to my body retaining water with TOM or did I actually reduce body fat that much?

Next week when my mind/body have stopped screwing with me I guess I will get some answers. Until then I am going to try to get my head in the right place and keep it there. And keep being honest about how badly I am doing. I know that's not what a lot of people like to read in a blog about weight loss. I make little/no apology for that though. It's not an easy journey but I am sticking with it good and bad. Eventually this time I will get there.