Throwing frustration in the bin instead of stuffing it down my mouth!

OK, I said earlier I was going to make myself be more aware of why I was eating. The challenge arose rather more quickly then I anticipated. This afternoon something has happened that caused me intense frustration. It coincided with a tray of cookies that Hyperboy made cooling on the side. BIG, BAD COMBINATION.

I convinced myself that the first cookie was OK because "I was being a good Mummy and checking out how he had done".

Second one "This isn't good but they are yummy".

Third one "What am I doing? Surely one would have been plenty".

Fourth one "Oh yeah, I am meant to be thinking about this and working out why. OK, I am in a bad mood, I am annoyed and there is nothing I can do about it. So I have eaten these instead.".

At that point I still had half a cookie left in my hand. I stood there staring at the cookie. Then I threw it in the bin. My frustration hasn't eased any, I am still really angry but I have only made it 3 1/2 cookies worse rather than an entire tray full.

I can still salvage today by replacing part of my tea with salad and still making sure I get a decent healthy meal. I have work to do on this. A lot of work. But I will get there.

I could just wait until tonight and post about today...

Or I could post now and be honest about yesterday. If I wait until tonight I can gloss over yesterday. If I post now I can have this here as a reminder to myself and a lesson.

 I started off with very good intentions for the day. I had decided to change my weigh in day so that I now weigh in on a Wednesday. Did that, was pleased to see that since Monday I had lost 1/2lb. I was going to go and do 2 levels of 30DS. I got to that and there was my first hurdle. My legs were tired. Very tired. I did level 1 and couldn't even begin to entertain the idea of doing another level. That was ok, I could see how good it is that I am now exercising for 5/6 days every week and have done for 11 1/2 weeks now. So I left it there and didn't beat myself up about it.

My problem yesterday wasn't exercise it was food. Not so much a hurdle as a tiny pony meeting a ruddy, great jump with a pond on the other side. Now I am logging EVERYTHING on myfitnesspal it's not so easy to ignore what crap (sorry to those who are easily offended) I put in my body yesterday. Myfitnesspal tells me, all cheerfully, that yesterday I consumed 2987 kcals and 120g fat. That is about twice what I should be looking at. So what did I eat that led to this. I am going to be really honest here.

Breakfast - orangey oats (25g rolled oats soaked overnight in 2tsp orange juice) mixed with 20g raisins, 4 strawberries, 1 pot yogurt. - This is my usual breakfast. No big deal.

Snack - caramel slice (shortbread base, covered with caramel and topped with chocolate) - not a big deal at the time. I had made some for a friend and planned 1 into my day.

Lunch - Jacket potato, butter, baked beans and cheese - again no real problem here. it was meant to be for tea but a lack of bread for the sandwich I planned to have meant swapping lunch for tea.

Snacks - caramel slice um. the caramel and chocolate part of TWO more caramel slices - yes I am ashamed, yes it is ridiculous that I actually took the time to slice the top away from the shortbread, threw that away and just ate the caramel and chocolate. WTF!!! Why the hell would I do that? I have a very sweet tooth.

Dinner - 1 slice of bread and butter - this was completely unnecessary. It was fresh out of the oven and I couldn't resist have the crust from the end while it was still warm. Egg/salad cream sandwich made with 2 slices bread, 1 hard boiled egg, salad cream and butter. - this part was what I had originally planned for lunch.

Evening - 4 homemade ginger biscuits and (yes and) 1 chocolate coated ginger ice cream stick - I didn't NEED either of these things. I had made ginger biscuits for Bookworm and Hyperboy and nibbled dough while I made so the '4' was actually 1 cooked and  the equivalent of 3 in dough. The ice-cream is one of the most delicious things I have ever tasted. I bought them from one of the supermarkets here in the UK and they are so yummy. It was the last one in my freezer.

So there you go. That as you can see people is the ridiculous food consumption for me yesterday. It all went to pot from about 4pm onwards. Now I know that before I started my journey it would have looked a little like that every day. The main difference being that most days the dinner (see lunch above) would have been a bigger meal and probably meant somewhere around 500cals/20g fat more than yesterday. So most days I was eating 3500kcals/140g fat. Everyday!!! Add into that the fact that my only exercise was normal day to day movement and I think we can see exactly why I was where I was. Frankly I am amazed I was not a  LOT bigger and very ill!

So I guess I learnt a big lesson yesterday. I treated my body like rubbish. I don't believe in low fat/low calorie food. That is fine when I am making sure that it is full fat/full calorie things balanced out. But when I eat like I did yesterday that adds up to a whole lot of stuff.

Today I feel sluggish, my legs are heavy, I have a headache and my throat is sore. Serves me right but in some ways it is useful to me. I think I had  been doubting how bad it was before. IT WAS BAD. There are no excuses for treating my children's mother that way.