This would be so much easier if.....

I was never bored, hungry, tired, sad, happy, celebrating, commiserating .............

The list is endless.

Weigh in

Well I haven't done this for a while!

Weight - 11st 4lbs- This is 1lb up on the last time I weighed in here BUT I am happy with it because it's 2lbs less than Monday!!!

Body fat - 35% - 1% up since last time I weighed in here/5% total loss.

1/2in gain from chest since last time. (I really don't need to keep saying that do I? You get the idea) .

1/2in gain on waist.

1/2in gain on hips.

11 1/2in total loss.

 

I am kicking myself that I have spent the last 6 weeks stalling and the last 13 weeks making no progress at all but I know that I didn't really feel it in that time. I am going to focus on the fact that in that time I easily have re-gained everything I had lost (and more). In the past that is what has happened. So I am going to convince myself that this is a positive thing. I have managed to sustain my weight loss for 3 months. Now it's time for the next attack.

 

I have 5 weeks till my birthday. I AM going to be reach the new low weight I talked about by then. The lowest weight I have been at in the last 12 years is 11st 2lbs (156lbs). That means my very lowest aim is 3lbs in the next 5 weeks. That is a very low pressure goal.

Two posts in two days. That hasn't happened for a while!

Yesterday was a good day. I stuck to my food plan and did manage to go out for a run in the evening. My short, fast run consisted of 1.01 miles and took me 9m 56s. To say I am chuffed to bits at being able to run a mile in under 10 minutes is something of an understatement.

I think it is going to take me a fair bit of effort and determination to get back on my journey but for now my main focus is trying to make sure I get back to eating properly rather than grazing all day long. Grazing all day would probably be fine if I were eating sensible things but when it is mostly cakes and chocolate that I am grazing on that's not so good!

Today has been a good day too. Mostly. I did eat an un-necessary and un-planned chocolate bar at lunchtime but it was a 15g bar of good quality, dark chocolate so I will go easy on myself there.

One thing that I have noticed since I started this journey is how much of a good impact it has had on my children. They have always been healthy and active but are now even stronger, healthier and fitter than ever before. For that I give myself an A+.

Sneaking back in

I have tried several times in the last month or so to get back in the swing of things but it hasn't been happening. I am considering myself VERY lucky that I haven't gained more than I have. I have gained 3 pounds since my last weigh in post. That has taken my current weight back up to 11st 6lbs (160lbs). This morning I have woken up feeling ready to get back on the road. I'm not sure why the change but I do know that every part of me is screaming that I am so not ready to settle here.

As for what has been happening for the last month (probably closer to two in actual fact) I haven't strayed too far from what I am aiming to achieve. I have managed to keep up the running (bar a rest for over training and a cold). My running time has slowed down a little but I can run for longer. Food wise I have not been eating the best way but I have (mostly) stuck to meal times.

I have planned my meals for today and evening meals for the rest of the month. I am going to work on a day by day basis for the meals during the day, partly because we are trying to make sure that we don't spend quite so much on food and eat what we have in unless we REALLY need to shop. If I can combine that with losing weight then I will be a happy bunny.

One thing the last couple of months has shown me is that I can do a reasonable job of sustaining a weight.

Another thing I am going to start doing again is blogging most (if not every) day. So I apologise for the random drivel that will be finding it's way into your blog feed.

First of all I am aiming at getting back to losing weight. Next goal after that is to get to a new low by my birthday. That gives me about a month to lose at least 4lbs. I'd love to get down to 10st something but I am not going to approach this with any pressure.

Have a marvellous day everyone.

I haven't disappeared in a puff of smoke

Lately I haven't had time to spare to sit down and update this blog. I haven't gone too far off track. I am still 20lbs down, I am still running, I am still here. When life calms down I will be back more often.

Sorry.

So my legs need time to recover

I liked finding that I could run 5k non stop in August. I liked it so much I have done it several times since. Not every day but because I have done other things on most of those in between days I haven't really given my legs a chance to recover. Last night they decided that if I was going to ignore them then they were going to shout louder.

I took part in a local 5k race. It's a regular thing and husband talked me into it. It is very hilly and as a result I found I couldn't run the whole thing. I tried, oh boy did I try, to keep making them start running again but just over 4k in I had to walk for a bit. I kept starting running again but it didn't last and that last 1k was walk/run the whole time. I did make myself run up the last hill though.

This morning my legs ache. I knew they would. My last three runs have been tough going. I have had to force my legs to carry on. Husband (he who never rests) has told me he would suggest I take a week off running. I can do other things; gently cycling, swimming and core/upper body workouts but rest the legs is the general message.

My first thought was genuinely "No running for a week! That's a long, scary time". But I know from the way my legs feel that if I don't do this I will regret it. Then I actually chuckled at the thought of me being bothered about not being able to run for a week.

Watch this space because I expect my next run in a week to be damn good. Then I am going to start building my way up to 10k ready for May.

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3lbs- No loss since last week making 19 1/2lbs loss total.

Body fat - 34% - 1% loss since last week/6% total loss

1/4in loss from chest

no loss on waist

1/2in loss on hips

13in total loss

 

So I didn't lose any weight this week and I was a very bad blogger. Time kind of melted away and something I was vaguely involved in kicked off and I became more involved equalling lots more time needed than I had. I did lose inches and fat though. That I am pleased about.

 

I haven't really given a lot of thought about my plans for the next week but I would like to shift the scales further down. I am going to set some time aside to dedicate purely to giving some thought to how I am going to achieve that.

 

I am running a 5k race FOR FUN tonight. I will be doing it with my husband while we abandon the children to the fate of the grandparents. A year ago the suggestion that I would do that would have had me rolling on the floor clutching my sides.

 

One thing I have continued to find time for is running. At the weekend I went out by myself and ran my furthest/longest run so far. It was only a little more than previous times but I was really pleased with myself because the whole time my legs were very heavy and I had to push to keep going. The idea of doing that made me feel very proud of myself.

 

This is a strange bitty post. I apologise for that but it kind of reflects how my thoughts are in my head right now. I have a lot going on and no real sense of order to it.

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3lbs- A loss of 1/2lb since last week making 19 1/2lbs loss total.

Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss

No change on chest/waist/hips

 

  I think I shall consider that a success given the hunger episode and the fact that TOM no longer seems to give me the losses I used to get with it. I don't know if it is eating properly or the exercise but what used to happen when TOM was here was that I could expect to drop a couple of pounds. Now that doesn't seem to happen anymore.

  

  I have allowed myself to be talked into doing a 5k cross country next week. I have now run just over 5k a few times since the race. I have beaten the hill that was causing me trouble at the end of my run route and yesterday I ran to and from Bookworm's lesson while she and Hyperboy cycled. I was pleased to find that if anything I could have done more, were it not for the fact that it would have meant leaving the children behind!

 

  I haven't quite managed to get completely back on track with eating right but I am making sure that what I am eating is far more balanced and within targets on myfitnesspal.

A weird change

Last time (not last month, TOM doesn't call that regularly) I had a weird experience at the beginning of it. On one of those days I went through a period of a few hours where I experienced extreme hunger that just would not be satisfied. The only other time that has ever happened to me was during my two pregnancies. I put it down as a one off and ate every half an hour or so until it was satisfied.

Well now TOM is here again and the exact same thing happened last night. All of a sudden I felt hungry. We are talking ravenous, belly aching, could gnaw my own arm off hunger. I had already eaten a decent days food. There was no reason why I should be hungry. So I drank a glass of water (I already drink plenty but just in case thought it was worth a try). 20 minutes later there was no change in the hunger and I was starting to feel sick and faint. So I started looking at what I could eat that would a) satisfy my hunger and b) not sabotage my week. I should have concentrated on 'a' because by the time I had eventually satisfied the hunger I had eaten almost another meals worth of food. I was eating then waiting to give it chance to register. My body wanted/needed food. I probably would have been better off if I had just had a 'meal' in the first place but I was hoping there would be a chance of easing it with a little snack.

Has anyone else experienced this? It was really strange and if it's going to be happening every time TOM pays me a visit then I would like to be able to plan for it but that is not easy because of the lack of regularity.

I ran it off

I decided to give something new a go to deal with the frustration last night. When husband got home I went out for an unplanned run. I had no idea if it would actually work but I felt like I needed to do something. I wasn't sure how it would go because I already did level 2 of 30 day shred (I still don't like that level but I can do it with something approaching ease now). After the first 1k of my normal route I decided to come back a different way and that way is all up hill. I ran the first 1.5k at just under 10min/mile pace. I was rather pleased with that as it didn't feel hard to do it. It was only a very short run of just under 2k but it was enough.When I got back I was in a much better mood. Running had helped.

I don't know if it was the exercise itself, the fact that I was concentrating on the running or that I was really pleased with how much of the up hill bit I managed to run. Do you know what though? I don't care. I am now the sort of person who runs, not just for exercise, but also for relaxation and fun. I have mocked my husband (mostly through lack of understanding, partly through that being the kind of relationship we have) for years about his love of exercise. Now I think I am beginning to understand and feel a little bit bad about the mocking.

This morning I have muscle aches in my butt and upper legs. I am recognising that feeling now as my body getting stronger. I used to hate that feeling. When I hated it before it was way back when I would work out maybe once a week for maybe 3 weeks. Now I have worked out no less than 4 times a week for 4 months. Most days I don't get that ache anymore and when I do it passes quickly.

Throwing frustration in the bin instead of stuffing it down my mouth!

OK, I said earlier I was going to make myself be more aware of why I was eating. The challenge arose rather more quickly then I anticipated. This afternoon something has happened that caused me intense frustration. It coincided with a tray of cookies that Hyperboy made cooling on the side. BIG, BAD COMBINATION.

I convinced myself that the first cookie was OK because "I was being a good Mummy and checking out how he had done".

Second one "This isn't good but they are yummy".

Third one "What am I doing? Surely one would have been plenty".

Fourth one "Oh yeah, I am meant to be thinking about this and working out why. OK, I am in a bad mood, I am annoyed and there is nothing I can do about it. So I have eaten these instead.".

At that point I still had half a cookie left in my hand. I stood there staring at the cookie. Then I threw it in the bin. My frustration hasn't eased any, I am still really angry but I have only made it 3 1/2 cookies worse rather than an entire tray full.

I can still salvage today by replacing part of my tea with salad and still making sure I get a decent healthy meal. I have work to do on this. A lot of work. But I will get there.

Back on the road - day 3

So yesterday didn't go too well. It started off OK, I was OK with my weigh in. I had planned my food. I had planned my exercise. My stumbling block came after lunch. I had 3 squares of chocolate. Not a big deal. A sensible amount. The rest went back in the tin. But THEN, I am not sure why, I blocked out any thinking about it, I decided to have a bowl of ice cream and sauce. If I'd left it at the chocolate it would have been fine. But oh no, ice cream and sauce to top it off.

But wait, it gets even better. We met some friends for a picnic (picnic part for the children). I packed food just for the children. But whilst packing I pinched a couple of the mini sausage rolls I'd cooked. Not bad on their own, lean sausage meat all made with good stuff. But on top of the chocolate and ice cream. D'OH!

On the way home from the picnic I was quite psyched up about going for a run. Then I started to feel rough. It came out of nowhere. I waited to see if it would pass but it didn't. I felt bad and very tired. I decided to make yesterday a rest day. At no point did it occur to me that maybe I was feeling rough because of the extra sugar and fat swimming around my body. That light bulb moment waiting for this morning. Which is why after tea, when husband decided he fancied some ice cream and sauce I joined him and had a second bowl. I neglected to mention that I had already had some earlier in the day.

So I didn't do a great job all round yesterday. I did track it all, and looking at the figures it could have been a lot worse. The thing that bothers me most about yesterday's eating is that I didn't allow myself to be aware of the thought process in doing it. I deliberately blocked it out. I need to make sure I am listening to what is going on in my head because not doing that is a very slippery slope for me into re-gaining all the weight I have lost and a lot of binge eating. I have been there before and I know damn well that I am not going back. I am not going to let it happen.

Today is a new day and I am not going to make the same mistake today. Today will be better, it will be on track and I will stick to my plans. Half way through the day all ready and so far so good.

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3 1/2lbs- A gain of 1/2lb since last week making 19lbs loss total*.

Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss

No change on chest/waist/hips

 

*Any other week that kind of weigh in would probably have had me feeling down and trying to figure out how I was going to remedy it. Not this week though. I tell you why.

 

On Monday morning I was 2lbs heavier than I am today after a week of eating whatever I could get hold of. My head was in 'I'm on holiday' mode. I said in my post on Monday that the only reason I didn't gain more than 2 1/2lbs is that I was still exercising. I have been thinking more about last week and I know that had it not been for the running, mountain biking, walking and exercise DVDs I could have been looking at a much bigger gain. I guess I was half way there to a new 'I'm on holiday' way of thinking.

 

I put a halt on the eating junk after Sunday night and have done my planned workouts with gusto. Seriously, yesterday doing BFBM I was dripping sweat onto my mat while I was doing to plank positions. Gross but true. I have eaten really well and have been drinking plenty of water to flush out as much rubbish as I can. So yes I am up 1/2lb on last week but I will take that. I will take it and I will carry on what I have done for the last two days and I will be aiming to reach a new low next week.

 

I am finding I have strength I could never have imagined before. When I work out I am so much stronger and am capable of pushing my body harder and for longer than I have ever done. Yesterday my legs were so tired that I really didn't feel like working out. But I did it (eventually!). I did the whole BFBM workout, which totals about 50 minutes and I pushed myself. At no point ever in the history of me have I exercised for as long as I am capable of doing so now.

 

I am on fire at the moment. It is my time.

Back on the road - day 1

Writing the blog post yesterday was really helpful for me. Sorry it was so long! I think one of the most helpful parts was posting the pictures. OK so you can't see my face but I could see the difference between those two pictures. I liked seeing the difference. That was on my mind all day and having got that far I am fired up to carry on now.

I did level 1 of 30 day shred yesterday morning and I still can't get over just how much easier it feels now compared to when I first started. I am no longer a huffing, puffing, sweaty, aching mess when I finish. 2 minutes tops and I feel almost back to normal. I am not sure today's recovery will be quite so quick. I am going to do the banish fat, boost metabolism workout which is twice as long.

Planning my meals and snacks was a big help, I knew it would be. Doing that meant I didn't have to think about what to eat and knew that the right choices were there. I logged everything (a much easier task when you know you are eating right!). For this week I have decided to do a sort of South beach, phase 1/2 mixture. I need it to get myself out of the sugar bowl I seem to have been swimming in lately. After that I will do what I was doing before, plain and simple eating a little bit of everything and not too much of anything. It was working so well for me until I stopped planning and tracking.

Husband pointed out another change in my body last night. Apparently my shoulders have lost weight. He says the sweetest things.

For such a long time now I feel like I have been cruising. Last week was a fork in the road and it could so easily have been the start of heading off down the same route I have taken so many times before. I have seen that path before though, it's boring now. I am ready for something new. Bring on today. :oD

Hello

I think this blog post needs to start with a hello because I kind of feel like I have turned a corner when it comes to 'getting there this time'. I have spent weeks now talking about how I am not really feeling it and can't quite get my head into the right place. Well today is a new day and it feels different. How much of that is down to having some much needed time for myself last week I don't know but I would guess a LOT.

Bookworm and Hyperboy spent a whole week with my parents. Husband and I got some evenings and 1 1/2 days to ourselves (he had to work the rest of the time). When he went off to collect them, spending a couple of days with my family (I am glad they get on so well), I spent an evening and morning with my friend who has been abroad for a couple of years. After that I got a whole afternoon, night and morning All To Myself. Do you know how often that happens when you home educate? Hardly ever. Yes I missed my children and husband but man it felt so good  to just be by myself.

So what did I do with my time? Well, yes I ate chocolate, and way too much of it. I am going to be completely honest here and say that the reason I hardly blogged last week was because I knew that was what I was going to do. If I blogged I would have to be honest that I knew it was going to happen. Go figure! Hang on though, before you stop following me. Guess what I did on my Sunday morning. clue - In the past having that time to myself has always, without exception, meant watching rubbish, wasting time on the Internet, stuffing myself silly and generally being a lazy glutton.

I went for a run.

That's right, I CHOSE AND WANTED to go for a run. I was so glad I did. I set out on my 5.12k route. The one that I had never completed because the first half of the last km is uphill. Yesterday I ran the whole thing. Every last metre. I was so hyped up when I got home that I felt like I could do more. I didn't because I had the calling of a quiet house. I stopped on a high and had a very long bubble bath. With no one coming in to use the loo or arguing or wanting to know how long till lunch. Bliss.

The damage I did last week with copious amounts of chocolate, cake, ice-cream (spot the recurring sugar theme here) and anything else I fancied was limited a bit (thank goodness) by the fact that husband and I took the chance to spend some of the child free time running and mountain biking. Yes I lost my mountain biking virginity. 1 1/2 hours of non stop cycling. Dirt tracks, mud, woodland, tree roots and branches will all make cycling on the road seem a breeze from now on. It was scary, muddy, fun and a damn good workout. It poured with rain for a lot of the time too so were were soaked as well as muddy.



I am informed this is known as 'mountain bikers ankle'.

 The runs were tough. We did hills in the woods one day. OH MY GOODNESS! Man that was hard. The last hill was very steep. I didn't think I could run all the way up. When I reached the point where my legs refused to move I decided I wasn't going to walk the rest. I stopped for 20 seconds and then ran the rest. Despite all the exercise I still managed to gain 2 1/2lbs in the last 1 1/2weeks. I am not considering that official though. My weigh in day is Wednesday and I hope to have lost some of that by then with careful eating and letting my body release some of the junk!

I have gone off on a tangent here. I sat down with the intention of blogging about how I have planned this week and how I feel a renewed enthusiasm for getting where I want to be! My last blog post was all about how I was going to handle the reasons I had been struggling. I have done what I said and planned every meal and snack for the next week. I am also going to track in myfitnesspal all food and exercise. I haven't taken direct comparison photos. In the end I didn't need to. Husband took a picture of me on a day out in London and I took one look at it and could see where every pound and inch had gone from.

You will have to trust me when I say that the size isn't the only difference between the two pictures. In the first one I look so unhappy. In the second one I am grinning like a Cheshire cat.

In the first one - 12st 11.5lbs (179.5lbs), chest, 45in, waist 41in, and  hips 46in. (3 1/2lbs heavier than when I started this blog.) 

In the new one-  11st 3lbs (157lbs), chest 41.75in, waist 34.75in and hips 40.5in.

Picture and numbers to remind me how far I have come! Thanks to Chris for making me give serious thought to adding photos. That woman is AWESOME!

As for today. Well the first thing I did was exercise. I no longer feel like I need to build up to it. I can get up and kick butt without needing to psych myself up. I am so proud of myself for not letting the last few weeks lead to a big gain in weight or a big decrease in activity. I have maintained for a few weeks now but the fire in my belly is burning strong again. This is far longer than I intended so I will force myself to stop rambling.

After my post yesterday I decided that having given some head space to what is going on with why I am stalling it would make sense to go through the reasons I highlighted and start making a plan for changing and getting back on. So here goes.

I have become complacent.
This has two parts to it really. The food part is that I have stopped planning stopped tracking everything. The exercise part is that while I have still been doing it I know it means I can eat a little more and not gain (much). I am not ready to stick where I am. If I stay the way I am with food and exercise that is exactly what will happen. Resolving the food part is so simple all I have to do is sit down for an hour once a week and plan a weeks meals. That and logging everything I eat again. The exercise part isn't a big deal but I know that if I stick with what I am doing I will not only continue to get stronger and fitter but getting the food bit back in check will mean that I will get back on that journey to losing weight as well.

I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!
Well I sure as heck don't want to go back to sitting in the corner and occasionally being noticed because I am turning into a blob. I know that doesn't sound nice but please know that this is not how I see other people. It is purely how I saw myself 6 months ago. If I think back to then my mind is not a happy one. So as for this bit I will just have to suck it up and trust that when the time is right life will bring smaller clothes, or the funds to buy them, my way.

My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago.
Part of me wishes I had kept just one of my big outfits. If I had I could try it on and see just how much difference there is. But I didn't so tough luck. I do have some photos that I took last time round which are about where I was when I started this time. If I dig those out, take some new ones and stick them somewhere (probably inside my wardrobe) that I will see them often as a reminder of how much I have changed.

I am scared of everything changing back to how it was.
This is where I just need to grow a pair really. The only way that is going to happen is if I let the current state carry on and change back to doing nothing and eating the way I used to. I think the first solution of planning and tracking should take care of that.

I am worried about what to do when I get there.
Well this one is kind of pointless to worry about at the moment. I am not there so I don't know what approach I need to take once I am. I won't know what it is like if I never get there. So my plan is
1) get there first
2)decide if I like it
3) if the answer is yes then work out how to stay there, if the answer is no then I can always eat a bucket load of food, stop moving my massively smaller butt and head right back up there to 12/13 stone +.

So this is where I go from here;

Sit down for an hour once a week and plan a weeks meals and log everything I eat. One other thing with food that I know is that I have let too much chocolate back into my day. That first week needs to be very low on sugar to get my body used to eating it little and very occasionally.

Trust that when the time is right life will bring smaller clothes or the funds to buy them my way.

Dig out some old photos, take some new ones and stick them inside my wardrobe

I am not going to post a weigh in this week. I know that I have gained half a pound since last week, I know that is because while the children are away the parents are eating out more while we get the chance, if I post it here I will head into beat myself up mode. They come home on Sunday so while it smacks of 'the diet starts Monday' I am going to plan a weeks meals from the point they come back. I will weigh in as normal next Wednesday and take what is thrown at me after this weeks relaxed eating.

The Make-up Fairy made me do it.

 Okay she didn't really but in response to my last post The Make-up Fairy said she thought it was really important to think about the reasons why my heart hasn't been in it recently. So here I am, sitting at the back of the class writing my essay.

 You know when you were in school and had homework to write an essay about something you hadn't really paid attention to. Well that's how I am feeling right now. I don't really know where to start because I think the main reason I haven't been doing so well is because I have got lazy. When this was going really well and I was making good progress I was planning my food every week, tracking my actual food every day, planning my exercise every week, tracking my exercise every day, thinking carefully about if I actually wanted/needed to eat x,y,z and thinking about why I was trying to lose weight. I have become complacent.

Oooh, hang on, something just went ping in my head. One reason why that has happened is because I have reached a point with my weight where I am at a lower point than I have been at any point over the last 12 years. That means I am at the same weight I was at when I was 21. I also know that I am a lot fitter than I was back then. When I think about where I have got to now my over-riding thought it one of "Well heck, I have done so well. I deserve a bit of a break from this".

I have also reached the point where my two sacks of too small clothes have shrunk to two pairs of trousers and a shirt. The stuff that fits me now is pretty much it when it comes to clothes I own fitting well. Some of it is already starting to feel too big. That scares me. I know it sounds ridiculous but once those things are too big I have to make do for a while. We can't afford for me to be buying more clothes right now. So if I get smaller then I have to be smaller in baggy clothes. Now that shouldn't bother me but at the moment things fit nicely, I don't look too bad and it's not like I am the type of person that is too bothered about how I look. At least that's what I thought. Over the last few weeks I have begun to quite like what I see in the mirror. I have realised that for pretty much the past 10 years I have worn clothes that I consider don't make me noticeable. I hate standing out at the best of times. Standing out when I was very overweight really didn't appeal. It wasn't a conscious thing I just had a wardrobe full of generic jeans and tops. Feeling happier with me has meant that my wardrobe has a little more colour. I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!

In some ways I don't feel like anything has changed. My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago. If I need to convert my weight from stones and pounds to pounds then I always find myself first of all multiplying 12 by 14. Then I have to start again because I am not 12 stone anything. I am 11 stone something. That seems pretty stupid to me because I am actually only a few pounds away from being 10 stone something and I can't even get my head round 11 something. If my head is still stuck in the 12's then no wonder I am struggling to get stuck into the eating ways of my new life.

Here is a big one. I am scared. I am scared that something is going to come along and change it all back. What if I get injured and can't exercise, what if I wake up one morning and have suddenly gained back all 20lbs, what if I can't do it. I will have seen and felt what it is like to weigh a lot less than I used to and know the pain and misery of not succeeding. That scares the crap out of me. I think part of my head thinks it would be safer to just go back to that safe little cocoon I had and just be the quiet, fat girl sitting quietly in the corner.

I am worried about what to do when I get there. So when I get to that healthy weight where I am also happy with the way I look. What do I do? Will it be a constant battle to stick at it? Will I end up only being able to maintain it if I eat next to nothing? I don't like the idea of that. Not one little bit. To me that screams not healthy.

The exercise is the one thing that has stuck with me. I don't find it a struggle (mentally) to do it. I actually enjoy it.

So there we go. That is some of the stuff that has spewed from my head because The Make-up Fairy made me do it. Now I will admit that I would never in an entire lifetime come across her blog if it wasn't for the fact that she is working on losing weight as well. Make up for me is something that I wear once in a blue moon. She would be horrified that I still have make up kicking around some where from when I got married. That will be 10 years next year. That woman does things with make up that I can't even begin to imagine knowing how to do. In that respect we couldn't be more different. But that woman talks sense. She told me it was important to give thought to the whys. She was damn right. Looking at those things I have highlighted I feel like I can start working out how to deal with them. If you are less make-up challenged than me go and check out her blog. She is giving away some goodies right now so as well as coming away from her blog with useful advice you might well end up with some make up too.

Losing the will rather than the weight.

I am not doing a great job right now of sticking to my aims and goals. I have stopped tracking food, stopped blogging all my thoughts and stopped planning meals. The result of this is that my weight is sticking. There is just enough thought going on in there to stop it from going back up. I don't want that. The only thing still going on properly is the exercise. I think that is my saving grace.

The worst thing at the moment is that I don't really feel the inclination to get back on top of it. I know that deep down I want to I just can't quite make that final push.  I keep coming up with reasons why it might be that my heart isn't in it at the moment. I am not going to go into them right now. They don't deserve the head space.

This whole blog is supposed to be about getting there this time. I am not THERE yet. That I do know. But I have become complacent. I've left the land of obese and am down to overweight, I have got into regular exercise, I have lost 20lbs, I have shrunk out of so many clothes and most of the time (dressed) I don't look in the mirror and look terrible. I have achieved so much and I am happy about that BUT I am not going to settle for half way there or nearly there.

I feel like I need to have some space for me to sort my head out and come up with a plan. Luckily I get that chance next week. Bookworm and Hyperboy will be with their Grand-parents for a week so I will have some child free time.

Before I get that chance if there is anyone reading this who can relate and has any wise words for me let me know.

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3lbs- A gain of 1/2lb since last week making 19 1/2lbs loss total.

Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss

No change on chest/hips

1/4in lost from my waist.

 

I am stalled at the moment. I know I could be doing more to change the way I eat and have tried to be a little more aware of it. For the week before my 5k on Sunday I chose to not cut back at all. I set myfitnesspal at maintain. I didn't want to get to the race and be low on energy. I had 4 days before the race and 1 day after without exercising so my legs would be fresh for the run and could recover. Now that is out of the way I am going to change myfitnesspal back and get back on it. I want to see the back of the 11's.

 

This weekend I will be seeing a whole load of people I haven't seen for between 1 and 12 years. It will be very strange. Those I have seen more recently will have last seen me at nearly 13 stones the ones I haven't seen for longer won't see anything different because I last saw them at the size I am now. Bizarre!

I just want to say

That I am absolutely disgusted at the behaviour of the mindless, selfish, stupid idiots who seem determined to ruin the lives and livelihoods of people. There is no excuse for the appalling behaviour that has taken place over the last few nights. And if you are reading this and have been taking part in it then be truly ashamed of yourselves. You should probably also know that you have been scaring small children. My son has been asking today if we live in any of the places you seem intent on trashing. Congratulations. You are capable of scaring a small child. Does it make you feel big?