I ran it off

I decided to give something new a go to deal with the frustration last night. When husband got home I went out for an unplanned run. I had no idea if it would actually work but I felt like I needed to do something. I wasn't sure how it would go because I already did level 2 of 30 day shred (I still don't like that level but I can do it with something approaching ease now). After the first 1k of my normal route I decided to come back a different way and that way is all up hill. I ran the first 1.5k at just under 10min/mile pace. I was rather pleased with that as it didn't feel hard to do it. It was only a very short run of just under 2k but it was enough.When I got back I was in a much better mood. Running had helped.

I don't know if it was the exercise itself, the fact that I was concentrating on the running or that I was really pleased with how much of the up hill bit I managed to run. Do you know what though? I don't care. I am now the sort of person who runs, not just for exercise, but also for relaxation and fun. I have mocked my husband (mostly through lack of understanding, partly through that being the kind of relationship we have) for years about his love of exercise. Now I think I am beginning to understand and feel a little bit bad about the mocking.

This morning I have muscle aches in my butt and upper legs. I am recognising that feeling now as my body getting stronger. I used to hate that feeling. When I hated it before it was way back when I would work out maybe once a week for maybe 3 weeks. Now I have worked out no less than 4 times a week for 4 months. Most days I don't get that ache anymore and when I do it passes quickly.

Throwing frustration in the bin instead of stuffing it down my mouth!

OK, I said earlier I was going to make myself be more aware of why I was eating. The challenge arose rather more quickly then I anticipated. This afternoon something has happened that caused me intense frustration. It coincided with a tray of cookies that Hyperboy made cooling on the side. BIG, BAD COMBINATION.

I convinced myself that the first cookie was OK because "I was being a good Mummy and checking out how he had done".

Second one "This isn't good but they are yummy".

Third one "What am I doing? Surely one would have been plenty".

Fourth one "Oh yeah, I am meant to be thinking about this and working out why. OK, I am in a bad mood, I am annoyed and there is nothing I can do about it. So I have eaten these instead.".

At that point I still had half a cookie left in my hand. I stood there staring at the cookie. Then I threw it in the bin. My frustration hasn't eased any, I am still really angry but I have only made it 3 1/2 cookies worse rather than an entire tray full.

I can still salvage today by replacing part of my tea with salad and still making sure I get a decent healthy meal. I have work to do on this. A lot of work. But I will get there.

Back on the road - day 3

So yesterday didn't go too well. It started off OK, I was OK with my weigh in. I had planned my food. I had planned my exercise. My stumbling block came after lunch. I had 3 squares of chocolate. Not a big deal. A sensible amount. The rest went back in the tin. But THEN, I am not sure why, I blocked out any thinking about it, I decided to have a bowl of ice cream and sauce. If I'd left it at the chocolate it would have been fine. But oh no, ice cream and sauce to top it off.

But wait, it gets even better. We met some friends for a picnic (picnic part for the children). I packed food just for the children. But whilst packing I pinched a couple of the mini sausage rolls I'd cooked. Not bad on their own, lean sausage meat all made with good stuff. But on top of the chocolate and ice cream. D'OH!

On the way home from the picnic I was quite psyched up about going for a run. Then I started to feel rough. It came out of nowhere. I waited to see if it would pass but it didn't. I felt bad and very tired. I decided to make yesterday a rest day. At no point did it occur to me that maybe I was feeling rough because of the extra sugar and fat swimming around my body. That light bulb moment waiting for this morning. Which is why after tea, when husband decided he fancied some ice cream and sauce I joined him and had a second bowl. I neglected to mention that I had already had some earlier in the day.

So I didn't do a great job all round yesterday. I did track it all, and looking at the figures it could have been a lot worse. The thing that bothers me most about yesterday's eating is that I didn't allow myself to be aware of the thought process in doing it. I deliberately blocked it out. I need to make sure I am listening to what is going on in my head because not doing that is a very slippery slope for me into re-gaining all the weight I have lost and a lot of binge eating. I have been there before and I know damn well that I am not going back. I am not going to let it happen.

Today is a new day and I am not going to make the same mistake today. Today will be better, it will be on track and I will stick to my plans. Half way through the day all ready and so far so good.

Weigh in

Weight - 11st 3 1/2lbs- A gain of 1/2lb since last week making 19lbs loss total*.

Body fat - 35% - No change since last week/5% total loss

No change on chest/waist/hips

 

*Any other week that kind of weigh in would probably have had me feeling down and trying to figure out how I was going to remedy it. Not this week though. I tell you why.

 

On Monday morning I was 2lbs heavier than I am today after a week of eating whatever I could get hold of. My head was in 'I'm on holiday' mode. I said in my post on Monday that the only reason I didn't gain more than 2 1/2lbs is that I was still exercising. I have been thinking more about last week and I know that had it not been for the running, mountain biking, walking and exercise DVDs I could have been looking at a much bigger gain. I guess I was half way there to a new 'I'm on holiday' way of thinking.

 

I put a halt on the eating junk after Sunday night and have done my planned workouts with gusto. Seriously, yesterday doing BFBM I was dripping sweat onto my mat while I was doing to plank positions. Gross but true. I have eaten really well and have been drinking plenty of water to flush out as much rubbish as I can. So yes I am up 1/2lb on last week but I will take that. I will take it and I will carry on what I have done for the last two days and I will be aiming to reach a new low next week.

 

I am finding I have strength I could never have imagined before. When I work out I am so much stronger and am capable of pushing my body harder and for longer than I have ever done. Yesterday my legs were so tired that I really didn't feel like working out. But I did it (eventually!). I did the whole BFBM workout, which totals about 50 minutes and I pushed myself. At no point ever in the history of me have I exercised for as long as I am capable of doing so now.

 

I am on fire at the moment. It is my time.

Back on the road - day 1

Writing the blog post yesterday was really helpful for me. Sorry it was so long! I think one of the most helpful parts was posting the pictures. OK so you can't see my face but I could see the difference between those two pictures. I liked seeing the difference. That was on my mind all day and having got that far I am fired up to carry on now.

I did level 1 of 30 day shred yesterday morning and I still can't get over just how much easier it feels now compared to when I first started. I am no longer a huffing, puffing, sweaty, aching mess when I finish. 2 minutes tops and I feel almost back to normal. I am not sure today's recovery will be quite so quick. I am going to do the banish fat, boost metabolism workout which is twice as long.

Planning my meals and snacks was a big help, I knew it would be. Doing that meant I didn't have to think about what to eat and knew that the right choices were there. I logged everything (a much easier task when you know you are eating right!). For this week I have decided to do a sort of South beach, phase 1/2 mixture. I need it to get myself out of the sugar bowl I seem to have been swimming in lately. After that I will do what I was doing before, plain and simple eating a little bit of everything and not too much of anything. It was working so well for me until I stopped planning and tracking.

Husband pointed out another change in my body last night. Apparently my shoulders have lost weight. He says the sweetest things.

For such a long time now I feel like I have been cruising. Last week was a fork in the road and it could so easily have been the start of heading off down the same route I have taken so many times before. I have seen that path before though, it's boring now. I am ready for something new. Bring on today. :oD

Hello

I think this blog post needs to start with a hello because I kind of feel like I have turned a corner when it comes to 'getting there this time'. I have spent weeks now talking about how I am not really feeling it and can't quite get my head into the right place. Well today is a new day and it feels different. How much of that is down to having some much needed time for myself last week I don't know but I would guess a LOT.

Bookworm and Hyperboy spent a whole week with my parents. Husband and I got some evenings and 1 1/2 days to ourselves (he had to work the rest of the time). When he went off to collect them, spending a couple of days with my family (I am glad they get on so well), I spent an evening and morning with my friend who has been abroad for a couple of years. After that I got a whole afternoon, night and morning All To Myself. Do you know how often that happens when you home educate? Hardly ever. Yes I missed my children and husband but man it felt so good  to just be by myself.

So what did I do with my time? Well, yes I ate chocolate, and way too much of it. I am going to be completely honest here and say that the reason I hardly blogged last week was because I knew that was what I was going to do. If I blogged I would have to be honest that I knew it was going to happen. Go figure! Hang on though, before you stop following me. Guess what I did on my Sunday morning. clue - In the past having that time to myself has always, without exception, meant watching rubbish, wasting time on the Internet, stuffing myself silly and generally being a lazy glutton.

I went for a run.

That's right, I CHOSE AND WANTED to go for a run. I was so glad I did. I set out on my 5.12k route. The one that I had never completed because the first half of the last km is uphill. Yesterday I ran the whole thing. Every last metre. I was so hyped up when I got home that I felt like I could do more. I didn't because I had the calling of a quiet house. I stopped on a high and had a very long bubble bath. With no one coming in to use the loo or arguing or wanting to know how long till lunch. Bliss.

The damage I did last week with copious amounts of chocolate, cake, ice-cream (spot the recurring sugar theme here) and anything else I fancied was limited a bit (thank goodness) by the fact that husband and I took the chance to spend some of the child free time running and mountain biking. Yes I lost my mountain biking virginity. 1 1/2 hours of non stop cycling. Dirt tracks, mud, woodland, tree roots and branches will all make cycling on the road seem a breeze from now on. It was scary, muddy, fun and a damn good workout. It poured with rain for a lot of the time too so were were soaked as well as muddy.



I am informed this is known as 'mountain bikers ankle'.

 The runs were tough. We did hills in the woods one day. OH MY GOODNESS! Man that was hard. The last hill was very steep. I didn't think I could run all the way up. When I reached the point where my legs refused to move I decided I wasn't going to walk the rest. I stopped for 20 seconds and then ran the rest. Despite all the exercise I still managed to gain 2 1/2lbs in the last 1 1/2weeks. I am not considering that official though. My weigh in day is Wednesday and I hope to have lost some of that by then with careful eating and letting my body release some of the junk!

I have gone off on a tangent here. I sat down with the intention of blogging about how I have planned this week and how I feel a renewed enthusiasm for getting where I want to be! My last blog post was all about how I was going to handle the reasons I had been struggling. I have done what I said and planned every meal and snack for the next week. I am also going to track in myfitnesspal all food and exercise. I haven't taken direct comparison photos. In the end I didn't need to. Husband took a picture of me on a day out in London and I took one look at it and could see where every pound and inch had gone from.

You will have to trust me when I say that the size isn't the only difference between the two pictures. In the first one I look so unhappy. In the second one I am grinning like a Cheshire cat.

In the first one - 12st 11.5lbs (179.5lbs), chest, 45in, waist 41in, and  hips 46in. (3 1/2lbs heavier than when I started this blog.) 

In the new one-  11st 3lbs (157lbs), chest 41.75in, waist 34.75in and hips 40.5in.

Picture and numbers to remind me how far I have come! Thanks to Chris for making me give serious thought to adding photos. That woman is AWESOME!

As for today. Well the first thing I did was exercise. I no longer feel like I need to build up to it. I can get up and kick butt without needing to psych myself up. I am so proud of myself for not letting the last few weeks lead to a big gain in weight or a big decrease in activity. I have maintained for a few weeks now but the fire in my belly is burning strong again. This is far longer than I intended so I will force myself to stop rambling.

After my post yesterday I decided that having given some head space to what is going on with why I am stalling it would make sense to go through the reasons I highlighted and start making a plan for changing and getting back on. So here goes.

I have become complacent.
This has two parts to it really. The food part is that I have stopped planning stopped tracking everything. The exercise part is that while I have still been doing it I know it means I can eat a little more and not gain (much). I am not ready to stick where I am. If I stay the way I am with food and exercise that is exactly what will happen. Resolving the food part is so simple all I have to do is sit down for an hour once a week and plan a weeks meals. That and logging everything I eat again. The exercise part isn't a big deal but I know that if I stick with what I am doing I will not only continue to get stronger and fitter but getting the food bit back in check will mean that I will get back on that journey to losing weight as well.

I don't want to be noticed because my clothes are baggy!!!!!!
Well I sure as heck don't want to go back to sitting in the corner and occasionally being noticed because I am turning into a blob. I know that doesn't sound nice but please know that this is not how I see other people. It is purely how I saw myself 6 months ago. If I think back to then my mind is not a happy one. So as for this bit I will just have to suck it up and trust that when the time is right life will bring smaller clothes, or the funds to buy them, my way.

My head still thinks of me as where I was 5 months ago.
Part of me wishes I had kept just one of my big outfits. If I had I could try it on and see just how much difference there is. But I didn't so tough luck. I do have some photos that I took last time round which are about where I was when I started this time. If I dig those out, take some new ones and stick them somewhere (probably inside my wardrobe) that I will see them often as a reminder of how much I have changed.

I am scared of everything changing back to how it was.
This is where I just need to grow a pair really. The only way that is going to happen is if I let the current state carry on and change back to doing nothing and eating the way I used to. I think the first solution of planning and tracking should take care of that.

I am worried about what to do when I get there.
Well this one is kind of pointless to worry about at the moment. I am not there so I don't know what approach I need to take once I am. I won't know what it is like if I never get there. So my plan is
1) get there first
2)decide if I like it
3) if the answer is yes then work out how to stay there, if the answer is no then I can always eat a bucket load of food, stop moving my massively smaller butt and head right back up there to 12/13 stone +.

So this is where I go from here;

Sit down for an hour once a week and plan a weeks meals and log everything I eat. One other thing with food that I know is that I have let too much chocolate back into my day. That first week needs to be very low on sugar to get my body used to eating it little and very occasionally.

Trust that when the time is right life will bring smaller clothes or the funds to buy them my way.

Dig out some old photos, take some new ones and stick them inside my wardrobe

I am not going to post a weigh in this week. I know that I have gained half a pound since last week, I know that is because while the children are away the parents are eating out more while we get the chance, if I post it here I will head into beat myself up mode. They come home on Sunday so while it smacks of 'the diet starts Monday' I am going to plan a weeks meals from the point they come back. I will weigh in as normal next Wednesday and take what is thrown at me after this weeks relaxed eating.